Okay here we go– every day is a struggle. I know I should live, but I feel like I want to die. To take the burden off of everyone. Everyone would be better off without me here. All I do is cause them pain and make their life harder. I have nightmares.. Things that i relive every single night because of things that happened in my past. I wake up screaming, self harming, covered in sweat and blood some nights.. I feel okay today. But what about tomorrow? Just two days ago I was sitting in my bathroom cutting because me and my girlfriend got into an argument. A stupid argument over nothing, yet I couldn’t bounce back from it. The more I thought about it, the more I dwelled on it, the more I wanted to die. That’s how it happens. The smallest things unbalance me and I’ve lost it. I feel like I’m not enough. I feel like I don’t bring any happiness to anyone. I want to be happy, and I try my damnedest to be. To be with her. To have a happy life with her because she’s amazing. But that black cloud is ALWAYS hanging over my head and it’s always drowning out the happy. I can have a good day… A great day.. And one small thing happens and my entire world is upset, turned upside down. I can’t bounce back from that… Ever. It overtakes me. She’s better off without me. I bear the scars of the strong. Most people think of us as weak but like I said. Every single day is a struggle to live. I can’t seem to have successful relationships, I can’t seem to feel I’m worth anything. I feel useless and like a downright piece of shit who will never amount to anything. But I’m still here. Still breathing. I’ve attempted several times to blow my head off. I’ve threatened to take my life. I know I should feel worth more. I have a beautiful and very supportive girl, two sons and much more. But on those days, in those moments.. Not even that seems to matter. Somehow though I pull through it. Only God knows how.
This was sent to me by anonymous. Thank you for sharing. Things have to get better when they get worse. We’re all in this together.
Tonight is the night to get your stories to me. If you’ve ever wanted to share your story about living with bipolar but have been too scared to, now is the time to get it out in the open. You can remain completely anonymous and share your triumphs, struggles, or general dealings with bipolar.
Anything supportive that you want to share, stories, poems, anything, please pass it this way. I want to incorporate it into my blog for World Bipolar Day tomorrow. Thanks in advance! 🙂
Lately, I’ve been feeling like blah. Blah is a general category for me. I don’t feel great, but I don’t feel too terribly bad, I’m not good, but I’m not bad, so I’m blah.
I had an episode the other day that resulted in crying and throwing up, then getting pissed off because of the earlier. I was freaking out because I was focusing on something that I couldn’t change. I had upset my mom earlier that day over something stupid that I should have known better than to do. But I wasn’t thinking, so I went ahead without everyone. Had I been thinking, maybe everything else would have been ok. Anyhow, I was sitting there and thinking about everything and that led to me thinking about every mistake I’ve ever made, which made me think that my newest accomplishment might be my biggest mistake yet. I’m back in School, to be an MA (medical assistant). It’s the next step up from being a CNA (certified nurses assistant). And I was sitting there thinking that everything is going to hell. I can’t pay for my bills, because I can’t hold a job, I can’t hold a job because I’m not stable yet, so what’s the point in going to school if I can’t do anything? So I started crying. And then I wanted to go home. Sad thing was, I was at home. There was nowhere for me to go. I miss people, my life before all this crap with Justin and everything else. I want to go home. But there is no home for me to go to. Nowhere that I would be happy like I want. I want to be happy like I used to be. Loved like I used to be loved.
Anyhow, that feeling passed. Well, not the going home part, but today I feel like I’m home. Or at least more home that I had been feeling. I’m doing ok. But I’m feeling kinda blah right now. It’s hard to explain, but I think that I did pretty good in the first sentence.
Remember that I want your stories for World Bipolar Day. Let’s end the stigma together by reaching out and sharing with others.
In honor of World Bipolar Day, I would like to have a post written by several people with bipolar disorder. Please share your story. You can remain anonymous. I want you to share your story with all my readers, whether it’s a story about you and your disorder or you and your loved one’s disorder, please share.
You can message me with your story or post on my page that you want to do it and we can work something out I will put it on my blog. You can include your blog, group, and FB page. Thanks! https://www.facebook.com/worldbipolarday