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Better now

I’m feeling a little better today.
I hate having these problems. I felt good for a little bit last night then I crashed hard. I don’t understand why I have to feel like the world is ending all the time.
But I feel ok today. We’ll see what tonight holds.



I have been neglecting my blog again… Like that should be surprising.

I have been doing a lot at home. Doing chores and looking for jobs, or sleeping pretty much fills up the day.

I’ve been doing well. I haven’t had too much anxiety or negative side effects. The Doctor that I drove all the way to Arlington for her to see me for only 20 minutes gave me a higher dosage of my Celexa, saying that it should help with the anxiety. Well, I guess it has, but I also haven’t been in any stressful situations. I do know that the medicine is effecting me. Although, at this point, I am not sure if it is negative. I see some random side effects that I haven’t looked up yet, like muscle twitches. They don’t bother me so much, so I don’t see that it’s too big of a deal.

I have been dreaming. A lot, really. It’s getting weird that all my dreams pretty much have the same cast of characters. It’s annoying. And I’m assuming that it has something to do with my mind processing the information that I’ve been dealing with since the hospital. Like the issues with bitch and Him. (Sorry, I don’t remember what codename I gave to him…)

Speaking of him, I saw him when I got out of the hospital. I’m sure that it was him. I caught him out of the corner of my eye, but when I turned, I know that it was him. It took everything I had not to panic, but I felt it setting in. I could feel everything, and I almost slipped away. Mom and Hubby were there to help me focus on where I was. What if I had been alone and had seen him? It would have sent me into an attack and lord only knows where I would have been then.

I haven’t heard from Bitch in a while, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t think about her from time to time. Especially when I dream of her at night. There is nothing I can do to help her, but I still see her. She’s still very upset with me and my choices, who I chose to be with versus being with someone who abandoned me. I don’t understand how she can sit there and say that she loved me and wanted me when she just left me. I don’t understand how you can give up 19 years of life, just throw it in the trash and expect me to just jump back on board. She wants nothing to do with me, although, she did unblock me from Facebook. I can now look her up and she can look me up. Fortunately, for both of us, privacy is a key. Neither of us can see too much information on the other. But we both have connections to each other. We’re not stupid. And I know that she spies, wanting to know how “poorly” I’m doing in the world. Minus a slight set back, I think that I’m fending very well.

Lately, I see that Hubby’s upset with me, though he will say that he’s not. It’s the way he acts, although, I think that he’s pretty psyched that I’m cooking dinner and lunch for him. He barely talks to me, I mean, he’ll talk about work, but he won’t talk after that. He just sits there and watches TV. It’s kinda nice, in a way, we’re spending time together, watching movies and laughing. I know that Sunday was fun. We had a tickle fight in the living room. It was the most fun I’ve had in a while. It was a nice change.

I’ve noticed that one day I will have a lot of energy, and the next, I’m really sluggish and tired. I don’t like feeling like this. It’s annoying because I do have things to do, and with being tired, I can’t do everything that I have planned.

I haven’t been journaling either. Just haven’t wanted to.

Other than these things, I’ve been doing really well I think. I’ve been taking my meds regularly, been going outside, completing chores. I’ve been doing well.