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Ben made mention that I’m going to have to figure out my triggers…again (I should add, because I’ve done this all before.)

So, I’ve been trying to think of what they are… And now, my question is, what triggered response are you asking about?

Are you asking me to pinpoint what triggers the want to need to hurt myself? The anger? The flashbacks? The depression? Or the manic episodes?

More updates to come…


Happy Birthday Rockee

Happy Birthday!

So, today is my baby girl’s fourth birthday!

It seems so crazy that she’s four. I really thought that she was older than that, but I found her shot records, and tada! She’s four!

Look how little!

Look how little!

It seems like just yesterday I brought her home. She was so cute! So little! It’s crazy right?

I remember when I took her to the vet, you know, to get her check up for being a puppy. The vet said that she was too lethargic, and that if she were to die, bag her up and bring her in so they could see what went wrong. I’ll admit, she was a sleepy puppy. But, I also think that she was younger than the people said she was… Anyhow, that was terrifying.

Some people think that I’m weird, that I had a weird connection to animals. Well, yea, I guess I do. I love animals way more than people, I’ll admit that. But, my dogs have always been my babies. I don’t have kids yet, so my Rockee girl is my baby! 🙂 I love her. And she loves me too.

Dogs are a great stress relief. Well, certain dogs… Here lately, we’ve had a hard time with another dog — she tore up everything in the house! But, mostly, dogs are great. There are all kinds of dogs for therapy. Some dogs can even help with asthma!

Rockee is special. She helps me and my fiance with anxiety. She’s very in tune with me. She detects changes in pitch in your voice. If you sound upset, or anxious, she’ll come and sit in your lap. Picking — which I do some times… Like picking at your skin? — she’ll come and want you to rub her. It’s kinda cool.

Anyhow, I just wanted to share my furbaby with you all. I hope that everyone has a chance to have their life touched by a furbaby.

Happy Fourth Birthday to Rockee!
Happy Fourth Birthday to Rockee!

One Year Ago (in 2 Days)

One year ago, in two more days, I was hospitalized for my depression. I was suicidal. I had a plan. I was going to take all the pills in the house, drink a bottle of alcohol, and die in my bed with a note that said I was sorry.

I was going to die. I was ready to die. I was sorry that I couldn’t make everyone happy, let alone make myself happy. I was sorry for everything and sorry that I couldn’t make it right.

But I told my counselor. I told someone what I was going to do. And they suggested hospitalization. I cried, for the entire hour I was there. I cried on the way home. I cried while packing. I cried to my best friend. I cried on the way to the clinic to get assessed, and on the way to the hospital. I was scared and worried. But my husband reassured me that this is what would be good for me to do. It wasn’t to harm me, it was to help me.

So, I got to the hospital. Intake took forever. But, Justin was there with me and was calming me, holding my hand and loving me and all my shortcomings. He was my rock when I was in the storm.

The hospital was fine. The first night was scary. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do. They strip-searched me, which was scary and embarrassing, but I didn’t have to do the “squat and cough” thing, because, fortunately for me, I was on my period at the time. I got settled into my room and fell asleep.

The week to follow was great actually. I was pretty much stress free. I saw a doctor everyday and attended group therapy, which was really more of a joke than anything. I was able to call everyone everyday. I missed my friends and family though. I was able to see people Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday.

I guess I knew then that things weren’t right at home. I was gone for a week and I knew that Justin was up to god knows what. We didn’t have much trust, but I was hoping that this was his wake up call. When I got back home, I wasn’t so depressed, until it came time for me to go back to work.

Work was a major stressor. I had panic attacks before and during work. The last night that I worked, I panicked and went home an hour after being there. Justin was pissed that I left early, I was just glad that I was able to go home.

I should have known then that things were different. That things weren’t the same at all, everything was a mess in my marriage. But I looked over it with the thought that he was just stressed out because of my episodes. I never realized how he really felt, because he kept everything so deep down inside of himself. When I asked him if he wanted out, he had said no. We lived like this for months.

It’s crazy how much can change in a year. I was diagnosed with Major Depressive disorder and PTSD in the hospital. My diagnosis has changed to Bipolar II disorder, Borderline personality disorder, and PTSD. I’m getting my medications checked on monthly, I’m attending therapy with my case manager Lisa, and I’m sleeping when my body tells me I’m tired. I am blogging more, whether it’s on here or on my Facebook page. I’m talking to people. I’m taking baby-steps to get back where I was. I’m making huge strides in becoming more self-aware. I am learning what I can handle and what I can’t, learning to put up boundaries for myself and my sanity. I’m learning to take better care of myself, like showering daily (yes, I know that sounds stupid) and washing my face each night. I’m learning to let things go. I’m learning what I want in life.

I’m doing a lot for myself. And I’m taking this time to reflect on my time in the hospital and all the trials that led up to that point. I’m visiting this moment with the knowledge that I am no longer that person that I was a year ago and that’s OK. I realize that I was in a down swing, and it’s ok to have those moments and that I will have more of those moments in the future. The goal is to let those moments pass and know that the sun will rise through the darkest night. I realize that my marriage falling apart wasn’t my fault, and that I did everything I was supposed to. It’s ok to visit these moments and reflect on what they offer, and then we need to move on.

My problem is the moving on part. While I realize it does no good to dwell on the past, my heart is still broken over these events. Eventually, with therapy and support from those I love, I will be able to turn the page from this chapter of my life and move on to the next. I have some faith and hope that things will turn around for me in the future. That I will find the one I’m supposed to be with and love with all my heart. Justin was not a good man for me. And that’s ok that I learned that lesson.

A year ago, I was a different person. It’s time to turn the page.

Today’s Session

Today’s session went really well. My counselor was very pleased with my progress. She says that there is a sparkle back in my eyes that hasn’t been there for a while. I noticed it too. I feel pretty good today.

She talks a lot, a lot more than I think that a counselor should, but I like going to her. She thinks that I’m doing well. She likes my idea about speaking before a high school, saying that I’m being brave. She thinks that my story needs to be heard and that i have a lot to give others.

She also wants me to call her when I start to get down, because she wants to keep up with me. She also knows that I don’t have a job, which means no insurance, which means no money. She said not to worry about it. And for that I’m thankful. One less thing to worry about.

We talked about trying to get Rockee in to be a therapy dog… The best advice she could give me was to look online, which is what I’ve been doing. I can find the testing, the requirements, but not the training. So, if any of my readers have any suggestions on that, I would be very eager to hear from you.

Life has been very good as of the last few weeks. There was a down period last week, but like I told Pat, I don’t know if it was because of the  circumstances surrounding me, or if I was simply depressed. I’m pretty sure that it was due to the circumstances.

I might have a job. So, that’s good I guess. I know that I need a job because I need the money and the insurance that is offered. But I’m nervous, or at least apprehensive because I like being able to schedule my life around what I want to do, instead of around a job. But, we’ll see how well it goes.

In therapy, we talked a little bit about my dreams. They all include bitch. That is something that is ever present. Pat thought that maybe it’s because I want to pursue that with her. But I told her that I know where bitch is, and it’s not a good place for me right now. I know that it’s something that I can’t handle right now. Pat said that she understood. And she thought that it would be good for me to just put that on the back burner and maybe come back to it later.

I think that I’ve made a lot of progress. I hope that this trend continues.