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To You

Dear you,

I know that you will never read this. But if you did, I wanted the chance to clear my chest.

I know that things have been crazy. With us fighting, or not talking, like we have been, it’s hard to determine what’s going on. I think that you should know that I will always love you. I will always want you.

It hurts, more than you obviously would ever know, to let you go. But you’ve wanted this freedom, it seems, for a long time. And who am I to deny you what you want?

I can’t see you suffer anymore, for whatever reason, you were unhappy. And I guess that I never noticed. But, remembering the old times, there was a time that you were happy, and in love. And I miss that love and friendship.

But the person you’ve become, is someone that I can’t remember, someone I don’t recognize. It pains me to see you like this, and I wonder how long you’ve been like this without me knowing, or at least acknowledging it… You’ve been changing for a while, and I think that you, too, have seen the changes. What I mistook for growing closer, you saw as breaking away. So, forgive me for seeing this departure as a bad thing, at first at least.

I can look back on the good times and think of how wonderful our lives were together. How close we were, how happy we seemed. But, deep down, hidden in the shadows of our hearts, there was a sadness and anger. I think that yours boiled out at a bad time, maybe it took a crisis to make it come through, but your monster showed his face. At the same time, my monster growled and clawed at me; instead of embracing it, I ran from it. I thought that, by doing so, we were closer, stronger… I was wrong.

I will never forget you. All the times you made me laugh and love and fall deeper in love with you. I just wonder, now, how much of it was all just a hoax. Did you find what you were looking for? Or is that the reason why you left?

What makes me think it’s over? Clearly, it’s your actions, your words, and the lines that you have crossed. Some of which, are impossible to come back from. I hope that you understand that. I hope you realize that things are over, and will never be the same again.

You have your family to comfort you, as you have chosen them over me for the last time. And I really hope that you are happy with that decision, and the decisions they’ve made for you. You can’t deny that there have been issues in the past, and more recently that prove my position on this.

So, to you, I wish you nothing but happiness. But I really wish that you would realize what you threw away.

I’m sorry that I wasn’t pretty enough, smart enough, career driven enough, or whatever the excuse is, for you. But I am me, and I am still a warrior. This is nothing more than a meaningless task for me to overcome in my effort to become better, for myself and family. I hope you understand that, while sometimes, you will cause me tears, it is not the you that you became, but the precious memories that I will forever hold close to my heart. The you that disappeared before my eyes, the you that I will never see again. And that, truly, is sad.

So, again, to you, happiness and love. But stay away from me, as I cannot see you destroy yourself before my eyes.

Sincerely,

A warrior, wearing no more wedding rings, embracing a new life.

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Official Statement

So, I haven’t actually put out anything official since some of the major changes in my life started happening. I’ve hinted and tiptoed through everything, but I haven’t actually stated what’s going on. And I would like to get the official statement out before anyone has something tampering with it. So here goes…

It’s official, that as of Friday, August 23, my husband and I split up. There was a fight, and I was told to get out. Yes, he did ask me not to go, before I got in the car. But when I asked what it would fix, or why I should stay, he said “I don’t know.” We are separated for an undisclosed amount of time, without the likelihood that we will be getting back together. It’s disheartening to know that this is where that chapter of my life ends, without the idea of a new beginning, but it seems to be a permanent end.

It hurts to think about all the things that I will not experience with him, like purchasing our own home, having children, or growing old together like I had dreamed. But, that doesn’t mean that I will not be able to have that experience with someone else. It won’t be the same, but I have to keep looking forward.

It’s too painful to think of how much I wanted to have his kids, knowing that they would be a handful didn’t concern me as much as it presented a glorious opportunity. They would have been beautiful and wonderful, even with the chances that they would encounter ADD/ADHD or bipolar disorder. I looked forward to holding my babies and seeing them grown from babies, to children, to teens, to young adults, and into their adulthood. But that dream has been postponed. I’m not saying that I will never have kids, but it’s obvious that they won’t be my current husband’s…

It hurts to know that he doesn’t know what he wants. Not that people need to know exactly what they want, but I feel that people should and do have a general idea of what they want out of life. And, apparently, I’m not what he wants right now. I think that hurt the most. Why? Because he had said that he wanted me, that he loved, that he was in love with me, just days before all this transpired. I don’t know what happened, I just know that he has stated that he loves me, but he’s not in love with me, and that I need to give him space.

So, I can kind of hear the questions already… “Why are you throwing in the towel so soon?” Because he has said that he needed time, but he doesn’t know how much time. He also said that he hasn’t been in love with me for 2 months, talk about me being confused… Anyhow, he says that he doesn’t know what he wants, what he needs, and I’m just supposed to wait. I’m sorry, but life waits for none. And I’m afraid that I can’t simply wait around. I have had to make decisions that mean moving on, even if I’m not ready.

I’m not ready, because I’m in love with him. I love him and I want him, I want to be with him. but he doesn’t want that with me, and I can’t make him love me if he doesn’t. It hurts to think that just the other day, we were laughing and smiling, cuddling and kissing, and now, he wants literally nothing to do with me. It hurts, more than I ever thought I could imagine.

But the one thing that I’m determined is going to happen, I am going to prevail over this crappy situation that I have been thrown in. I am not going to let this kill me, I am not going to go back to the hospital.

There was a moment, when he told me that he wasn’t in love with me, that I felt everything in me shatter. I felt it. I heard it. The world that I was in had stopped spinning and I was falling. I couldn’t believe it, I don’t believe it. I felt everything break in me, the reality of my life hit me like a huge brick. I fell, and I wept and I pleaded with God. I wanted to lie there, to die there. To crawl into that abyss that is so comfortable to me, that welcomes me when I feel so broken. I wanted to live there and die there alone. I felt it beckoning me into its darkness.

I knew that I had to pick myself up, and I did. As much as I wanted to lie there, broken, I picked myself up. I know that I have to make a move. I have to keep going. Because going backwards is not an option for me, I have to keep my head held high and move along at a steady pace. I have to learn to take things one day at a time, which is really hard for me. But I think that I am doing relatively well.  I am refusing to let myself feel that broken again. Not that I’m not feeling the sadness of the situation, but I refuse to be broken. I’m allowing myself to feel the sadness, embrace it, and push it away. It comes in waves, some that crash far above my head, but I’m not breaking. I’m moving and I’m still breathing. That’s all that I can do.

So, there you have it, I’m not a monster. I was kicked out of my home, and I have to do what’s right for me, even if it hurts. And if there is ever a chance that we would get back together, I know in my heart that things have to change. He has to want to love me, be in love with me, and learn to talk to me. A husband and wife cannot live in a successful marriage without there being some sort of communication, and right now there is none. It hurts, but I am strong. And I know that I am a warrior and I will get through this.

If you read this, know that I am here for you when you feel like you are ready to talk…Until then, I wish you well and hope that you know I love you, with all my heart and soul. And I will miss you.