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Hurt

I am hurt, broken beyond recognition.

I don’t understand what’s happening to me.

The pieces crumble, falling down.

We built a castle, nestled on the sand, beside the ocean.

Ashes, ashes fall all around me.

Burning, everything is burning now.

Our life, our lies. Everything.

When the end came, I tried.

I tried to keep hold of everything.

Dousing the flames of the deceit and pain.

I grab my chest, holding my heart close, as I run.

Broken and shattered.

I ran, ran far away hoping you’d chase me.

Looking over my shoulder, I see that you are but a dot on the horizon.

I see you now, content with a life full of lies.

Contentment based on a freedom, a freedom from me.

I don’t understand.

I can’t pretend.

I miss you, and I will always want you.

But you’ve changed, you’ve faded.

You’re more a memory than a real person,

Pictures on the wall, falling like snow.

Memories faded around the edges, missing pieces

Like a puzzle that will never be solved.

Oh, how I miss the times when we,

King and his queen, loved like no one has ever loved.

But now, I lie on the ground broken, shattered.

Dying, barely breathing.

One day, I will wake up from this.

The nightmare will be over,

But now, all I feel is pain, hurt, and anger.

I’m watching our castle burn to the ground,

All the while, shadows collapse the walls.

Secrets shout like fireworks in the night sky.

One day, you’ll look back.

One day, you’ll miss the view, the castle we built,

The walls that we put up around our love.

One day, you’ll realize you never should have set fire to us.

You never should have shot me.

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It Continues – TW

If you haven’t guessed, yesterday/today was very hard for me. I was very depressed and I had several thought running through my mind, some that made me sick to my stomach.

Read the rest of this entry

A New Day – TW

tw-sign6It’s a new day, and the clouds have not lifted.

I’m back home, for which I am thankful. But, I’m sad. I’m so sad that my heart hurts. My chest hurts.

I am anxious. And I am very depressed. And I’ve thought about how I could hang myself. But, there’s nothing that I could hang myself on, so there’s no worries there. What I am concerned about, why my thoughts are this vicious. Why I am so sad that my heart is hurting, hurts me.

I forgot my pills last night, but one dose should not hurt me this bad. But I hurt, and I have no one to turn to right now. I texted my mom, and all she can say is “I’m sorry.”

What else can she say?

I’m sorry you feel this way. I’m sorry that I feel this way. And I’m sorry that my thoughts are so violent. And I’m sorry that I can’t be better today.

 

Loneliness at Work

I feel so lonely tonight. I’m tired and I just want to go home.

I’m back at work. Shocker right? I’ve had like a week off and have gotten used to being with hubby at night. Being with him after he gets off work and sleeping with him at night. Now. Now, I’m all alone.

I hate that feeling. It feels like something a pathetic person would say, and I’m not pathetic. But I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to do this. I want to go home.

I want to be with him. I want to be asleep and in his arms. But I’m not.

I’m sweating my ass off for people who could care less. Not the residents, but the others that I have to deal with. While the night is going quickly, it’s not going quick enough. I’m still here and I don’t like it one bit. I keep trying to tell myself “one more day, I can do this.” But I feel like I can’t. I just want to go home.

If I didn’t need to work, I wouldn’t. But I need the money, isn’t that always the problem? Money is a major issue with everyone. Money rules the world and is the root of all evil. Pathetic.

I have a new job lined up. One that I’m hoping to start very soon. But I fear everything. I’m afraid of change, but I’m so ready to get out of this hell.

I just have to keep thinking that there is something better than this out there. There has to be.

I don’t want a perfect life, I know there is no such thing, but damn it. I just want to be happy and it seems that even that is too much to ask. I don’t understand what it’s going to take for me to just be happy with what I have, where I’m at. To be semi-normal. I’m just tired of being like this.

I’m tired of being in a building full of people and feel empty and lonely.