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Closed Door

So, from the past two posts, you can tell that I tried opening the door to a relationship with my legal mother. As expected, it didn’t go well. 

For the first couple of weeks, it was great. We tried to catch up. But, like I said in my last post, it was awkward. Things with her felt forced. Well, I guess now I don’t have to worry about it.

I tried to take a break from it, to see what I wanted to do. I wasn’t sure what I wanted out of the relationship. Did I really want to drag myself down the rabbit hole again? Trying to please this woman is damn near impossible, or at least it was when I was growing up. It felt like nothing I did ever made her happy, you know? Straight a’s in school weren’t good enough, working full time in high school wasn’t good enough, doing extra cirriculars wasn’t good enough, the kitchen wasn’t cleaned good enough. It just felt like nothing I ever did was enough for her. And it’s sad really. I don’t think that I was a bad kid. I didn’t do the things that you see on the movies, where kids sneek out and go to parties, drink and do drugs, get pregnant. I was on the honor roll, National Honors Society, student counsil at one point. I mean, I did what I was supposed to do. 

So, when things went crazy, that’s when I started to veer off the path. When Donna tried to kill herself back in 2010 and had to be hospitalized, I started drinking. I started smoking cigarettes. And while she was there, that’s when I found out that she had legally adopted me. I had visited with her every day the first week she was there. I missed a week of school so I could be there. I missed all my classes (I was in college at that point) for a week, just so I could be with her, supporting her. But then, they moved her to the state hospital, and that’s a four hour drive from my dorm. And I had to get back to class. I didn’t visit, but I called every day, until they switched units and no one told me how to get ahold of her. I did go to see her one time, it was after I found out about the adoption. I remember her being mad that I found out, she was screaming. She told me to get out. 

No matter how many times I keep trying to tell her that things never had to change, she’s the one who keeps changing them. Maybe because she doesn’t like that I’m stronger willed than she anticipated. I don’t bow to anyone anymore. Certainly not her. When she got home from the hospital, she slammed the door in my face and threatened to call the cops on me. I’ve tried reaching out to her since then, but we always come back to this issue here. The adoption and the fact that I found out. 

The last time I reached out to her, we talked for a few days and it blew up in my face. I crumpled a little. This time, I’m not crumpling. I expected it. I anticipated the fall out, I knew it was coming before it happened. Now, well now I’m just mad. 

I’m mad that I put myself out there again. I knew that nothing was going to come of this, yet I got my hopes up that things would be different this time around. That enough time had passed and she had changed. But she’s really just the same. 

This time, she said that I have no respect for her. And to be quite honest. I don’t. I can’t respect someone who walked out on me like she did. I was trying to have a relationship with her, trying to love her again. I was willing to let go of everything and start over for us. But that’s not going to happen.

She lives in a world that she has created. She believes every lie she has ever told. She believes that I was told things about her, instead of what I have experienced with her. I guess she forgot that I grew up with her. She wants to control who I have in my life, and I’m not about to have that happen again. 

Things just got out of hand again. Did I say some mean things, yes. But it was the truth. And some times the truth can hurt. I know when I’ve been told the truth about me, my actions, some of those truths hurt. 

I just wanted to try to have a relationship. I opened a door so that, in the event that something bad happens to her, I would have the closure I needed. But it blew up in my face. And she has the audacity to say that she feels sorry for me! 

I’m not trying to get any sympathy or anything, just simply venting at this point. I told her at the beginning, this was the last time I would try to have a relationship with her. Because there’s no point. If she closes the door again, I’m not wasting anymore of my time. And she closed the door. She runs away from problems, like I used to do. 

In all honesty, I hope that she gets help, because she needs therapy. I had hoped that we could get a relationship off the ground, a genuine relationship. But I’m not going to be told what I can and can’t do, who I can and can’t love. I’m an adult, not some small child that you can bully into doing what you want with guilt (her favorite trick). 

I wish it wasn’t going to be this way. But I feel like, I tried, it failed. My message was delievered. Whether she accepts that message is up to her.

Sorry, readers for the long bitchy post. 

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My World

There is a song that sticks in my head when I feel alone. It’s called “My World” by Sick Puppies.

This has been a really tough year. It’s only half way over, and I’m already ready to see the next year and hope that it holds better fortune.

My husband and I separated in August of 2013, after almost 3 years of marriage and 5 years in a relationship, he called it quits. At the time, it really hurt. It still hurts. But in hindsight, I saw it coming. I knew that after my hospitalization last year, that our marriage was done. He held on long enough for me to get stable and then he was done. Meanwhile, he got involved with a girl named Tasha, a resident in Hico with a child. Now, he says that there was nothing going on when we were together, but I know that’s a lie. Because I know Justin, and I know how he acts when he has a girl on the side. I’m not an idiot, I see signs. Plus, he moved in with her not even two weeks after he kicked me out. That’s not my point.

We got divorced in March of 2014. Four days after his birthday, to be exact. He got stuck with all the debt that occurred while we were married. He got mad, of course. Threatened me, of course. But now he’s moving on. He posted on his Facebook page about our divorce: “Officially divorced!!! Gonna go get drunk and party tonight! Yee yee!” The comment below, someone said “I’m sorry”. He came back with this: “Dont be sorry. Im finally free from the crazy depressing psychotic suicidal wench that ruined the past 3 years of my life.” It hurt. A lot, when I saw that. It felt like my heart had been ripped out again.

I talked to my case worker today. She’s like a counselor and I can talk to her about anything. I told her all the things that has been going on, and what I had found out about Justin. She asked me if I thought I had a “bad picker”. You know, always picking people who are bad for you. i think it’s something to do with being Borderline. We face abuse at an early age and I think that we mirror that in our relationships. Finding those who are bad for us and abusive in their own way. Justin very rarely laid a hand on me, but he was abusive emotionally, just like Donna was.

That’s another thing, too. Donna, who was my mother for 19 years suddenly up and left me because I started making boundaries for myself. That’s something that we borderlines are bad at. Finding our boundaries to protect ourselves. Finding what we’re willing to deal with versus what we are needing to do without.

Setting boundaries has never been a strong point of mine. And when I do finally set them, things seem to back fire on me. When I set boundaries with Donna, she walked away. When I set boundaries with Justin, he walked away. When I set boundaries with my ex-roommate, she was accusatory and violent – threatening me with the cops. Boundaries are important, and we all need them. To put them up to protect ourselves and our sanity, we have to be strong. And it’s hard when people want to do nothing but tear them down. People often like to push boundaries and break them. That’s why it’s so hard for us to stand firm.

I’ve had a bad run with men. All the men in my life have been abusive in some way, shape, or form. And they’ve all walked away at some point or another. One boyfriend turned out to be gay, one boyfriend raped me, Justin cheated on me while we were engaged and then again while we were married and he walked away, Jay walked away without saying a word. The important people in my life seem to disappear. This is why I don’t have many friends. Because when I let people in, they always let me down.

I may not have many friends, but that doesn’t make me crazy or sad or lonely. My life is full of love from those who are most important to me. And if you think that your words can rock me, they are like the wind blowing the tree. I might shift, but I never break.

Welcome to my world, where everyone I ever need always ends up leaving me alone. Another lesson burned, and I’m drowning in the ashes, kicking, screaming. Welcome to my world.

Happy 3 Years Baby…

3 years ago, today, I was preparing for a major change in my life. I was taking a chance and making a leap. I was ready to marry my best friend. I knew that no matter what, we would make it, we would be ok. As I got ready, I wondered what he looked like, if he was as nervous as I was. I walked down the aisle, my mom by my side, friends waiting for me at the end, my aunt waiting to perform the big day. My eyes focused on him, tears building. I was ecstatic. I couldn’t wait. As the years flew by, things changed. While my heart was flooded by the thoughts and love of him, his heart had other plans. And now, I wake up to our anniversary alone. His family taking over his life and his heart. He has a new love, while I sit alone picking up the pieces, holding them together with tape and glue. I’m moving on. And I am happy, and I pray that he is too. I miss waking up to him. But I don’t miss the mistrust, the fights, the worry, the harsh words, and a family against us. I asked you before all of this, do you want out, and you said no. And when I asked why did you want to get married in the first place, “I wanted to snatch you up before anyone else did.” Selfish. So I wake up to our anniversary alone, and feel a piece of my heart longing for you, only to know that you don’t feel the same. Merry Christmas, baby. Happy anniversary. May you find love in the arms of someone who cares now…

Wrecking Ball

I came in like a wrecking ball,

I never hit so hard in love,

All I wanted was to break your walls,

All you ever did was break me,

Yea, you, you wrecked me.

— Miley Cyrus, Wrecking Ball

A lot of people give Miley Cyrus hell about her outrageous behavior, I happen to be one of those. But the one thing you can’t deny, she made, at least, one good song. Wrecking ball, in my opinion is about a girl who was hopelessly in love with a boy who really couldn’t care less.

He had his walls up, and all she wanted was to be inside of the walls, to know what was going on in that head of his. But, by trying to break the walls, she wrecked herself.

I can relate to this song, a lot more than I would have hoped.

I never meant to start a war

I just wanted you to let me in
And instead of using force,
I guess I should’’ve let you win.
I never meant to start a war,
I just wanted you to let me in.
I guess I should’’ve let you win…

Don’t you ever say, I just walked away,

I will always want you.

–Miley Cyrus, Wrecking Ball

I never meant to start a war, all I wanted was to be inside of your world, to know what was on your mind. Now I’m told that I was trying to change you? No.

Anyhow, like/love Miley or not, I like this song.