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Official Statement

So, I haven’t actually put out anything official since some of the major changes in my life started happening. I’ve hinted and tiptoed through everything, but I haven’t actually stated what’s going on. And I would like to get the official statement out before anyone has something tampering with it. So here goes…

It’s official, that as of Friday, August 23, my husband and I split up. There was a fight, and I was told to get out. Yes, he did ask me not to go, before I got in the car. But when I asked what it would fix, or why I should stay, he said “I don’t know.” We are separated for an undisclosed amount of time, without the likelihood that we will be getting back together. It’s disheartening to know that this is where that chapter of my life ends, without the idea of a new beginning, but it seems to be a permanent end.

It hurts to think about all the things that I will not experience with him, like purchasing our own home, having children, or growing old together like I had dreamed. But, that doesn’t mean that I will not be able to have that experience with someone else. It won’t be the same, but I have to keep looking forward.

It’s too painful to think of how much I wanted to have his kids, knowing that they would be a handful didn’t concern me as much as it presented a glorious opportunity. They would have been beautiful and wonderful, even with the chances that they would encounter ADD/ADHD or bipolar disorder. I looked forward to holding my babies and seeing them grown from babies, to children, to teens, to young adults, and into their adulthood. But that dream has been postponed. I’m not saying that I will never have kids, but it’s obvious that they won’t be my current husband’s…

It hurts to know that he doesn’t know what he wants. Not that people need to know exactly what they want, but I feel that people should and do have a general idea of what they want out of life. And, apparently, I’m not what he wants right now. I think that hurt the most. Why? Because he had said that he wanted me, that he loved, that he was in love with me, just days before all this transpired. I don’t know what happened, I just know that he has stated that he loves me, but he’s not in love with me, and that I need to give him space.

So, I can kind of hear the questions already… “Why are you throwing in the towel so soon?” Because he has said that he needed time, but he doesn’t know how much time. He also said that he hasn’t been in love with me for 2 months, talk about me being confused… Anyhow, he says that he doesn’t know what he wants, what he needs, and I’m just supposed to wait. I’m sorry, but life waits for none. And I’m afraid that I can’t simply wait around. I have had to make decisions that mean moving on, even if I’m not ready.

I’m not ready, because I’m in love with him. I love him and I want him, I want to be with him. but he doesn’t want that with me, and I can’t make him love me if he doesn’t. It hurts to think that just the other day, we were laughing and smiling, cuddling and kissing, and now, he wants literally nothing to do with me. It hurts, more than I ever thought I could imagine.

But the one thing that I’m determined is going to happen, I am going to prevail over this crappy situation that I have been thrown in. I am not going to let this kill me, I am not going to go back to the hospital.

There was a moment, when he told me that he wasn’t in love with me, that I felt everything in me shatter. I felt it. I heard it. The world that I was in had stopped spinning and I was falling. I couldn’t believe it, I don’t believe it. I felt everything break in me, the reality of my life hit me like a huge brick. I fell, and I wept and I pleaded with God. I wanted to lie there, to die there. To crawl into that abyss that is so comfortable to me, that welcomes me when I feel so broken. I wanted to live there and die there alone. I felt it beckoning me into its darkness.

I knew that I had to pick myself up, and I did. As much as I wanted to lie there, broken, I picked myself up. I know that I have to make a move. I have to keep going. Because going backwards is not an option for me, I have to keep my head held high and move along at a steady pace. I have to learn to take things one day at a time, which is really hard for me. But I think that I am doing relatively well.  I am refusing to let myself feel that broken again. Not that I’m not feeling the sadness of the situation, but I refuse to be broken. I’m allowing myself to feel the sadness, embrace it, and push it away. It comes in waves, some that crash far above my head, but I’m not breaking. I’m moving and I’m still breathing. That’s all that I can do.

So, there you have it, I’m not a monster. I was kicked out of my home, and I have to do what’s right for me, even if it hurts. And if there is ever a chance that we would get back together, I know in my heart that things have to change. He has to want to love me, be in love with me, and learn to talk to me. A husband and wife cannot live in a successful marriage without there being some sort of communication, and right now there is none. It hurts, but I am strong. And I know that I am a warrior and I will get through this.

If you read this, know that I am here for you when you feel like you are ready to talk…Until then, I wish you well and hope that you know I love you, with all my heart and soul. And I will miss you.

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Imaginary

“I linger in the doorway, Of alarm clock screaming, Monsters calling my name.
Let me stay, Where the wind will whisper to me, Where the raindrops, as they’re falling, tell a story.

In my field of paper flowers, And candy clouds of lullaby.
I lie inside myself for hours, And watch my purple sky fly over me.

Don’t say I’m out of touch, With this rampant chaos – your reality.
I know well what lies beyond my sleeping refuge, The nightmare I built my own world to escape.

In my field of paper flowers, And candy clouds of lullaby.
I lie inside myself for hours, And watch my purple sky fly over me.

Swallowed up in the sound of my screaming, Cannot cease for the fear of silent nights.
Oh, how I long for the deep sleep dreaming, The goddess of imaginary light.

In my field of paper flowers, And candy clouds of lullaby.
I lie inside myself for hours, And watch my purple sky fly over me.”

— Evanescence

I have loved this song since I heard it. It’s called “Imaginary” by Evanescence. I have loved it because, I think, it hit home. The nights that I couldn’t sleep and hallucinations that followed me everywhere. I wanted to create a world where I could simply disappear.

I loved it because she didn’t. I wasn’t even supposed to have this CD, but I did. I bought it myself when my cousin showed me “My Immortal”.

I would listen to the song over and over again, hours upon hours. I still don’t get tired of it. For some dark reason, I connect to it. I say dark, because the song itself is dark. It hosts dark tones and themes. It’s beautiful. And it’s been a perfect song for me for a very long time.

This might not make any sense to anyone, I could just be rambling on. But I love this song. And I think many people could feel the same connection and pull to this song, just like me.

Today…

I just don’t feel right today. Which, is odd, seeing as how I’m exactly where I want to be.

I don’t feel right…everywhere.

I want to go home, but I don’t want to be home.

I feel like tomorrow, I have to return to my sad reality. One where I hate my life and most everyone in it, and everything about it. Which, yes, I know, this is a sad thing to be. But that’s how I feel.

Maybe it’s dread. This thing that I feel.

Dread because I have to return to work, return to a life that I don’t want. The one thing that’s good about that life — Hubby is right there. At least in that life, I don’t have to share him. I don’t have to deal with people at my own home that absolutely hate me and everything I stand for. But, I have to deal with a job that I despise more and more each day, on that allows me to think of all the ways I could end it all just to make the temporary pain stop. And, yea, I know…Don’t make a permanent decision for a temporary feeling. But, it allows me time to think, and it lets my mind wander where it obviously shouldn’t.

You shouldn’t hate your job. I keep telling everyone that. I hate my job. So, again, maybe the feeling I have is that I am dreading with week. It will be another two weeks before I can return to a place of sanctuary.

I can’t really talk to anyone right now, I mean, I guess I could talk to my friend…But I think she’s busy, which is fine, I don’t want to burden her with my problems. But I can’t talk to other people. Their solution: Don’t think about it. Even Hubby tried that. If only it were that damn easy. If there was a switch that I could just flick and everything would shut down, I could just be happy, don’t you think that I would have already done that?

Anyhow, It’s a beautiful day here. Maybe I should just try to focus on that, and not that in the next few hours I’ll be dragged away from here. From my peace. I hate it…

I hope and pray that we move. I already have a job in mind, and if I can’t get that, then I can at least work with Mom until I find something else. If we move, I can go back to school. And I think that I’ve decided that I want to go after cosmetology, or at least get my nail tech license. I had thought about nursing, but I honestly cannot see myself in that role like I had originally thought. I want something where I can show off my tattoos and no one can say shit about it. I really think that it would be cool to have my own shop. But that’s still an eternity away. For now, I just need to stay occupied and quiet…