I feel so lonely tonight. I’m tired and I just want to go home.
I’m back at work. Shocker right? I’ve had like a week off and have gotten used to being with hubby at night. Being with him after he gets off work and sleeping with him at night. Now. Now, I’m all alone.
I hate that feeling. It feels like something a pathetic person would say, and I’m not pathetic. But I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to do this. I want to go home.
I want to be with him. I want to be asleep and in his arms. But I’m not.
I’m sweating my ass off for people who could care less. Not the residents, but the others that I have to deal with. While the night is going quickly, it’s not going quick enough. I’m still here and I don’t like it one bit. I keep trying to tell myself “one more day, I can do this.” But I feel like I can’t. I just want to go home.
If I didn’t need to work, I wouldn’t. But I need the money, isn’t that always the problem? Money is a major issue with everyone. Money rules the world and is the root of all evil. Pathetic.
I have a new job lined up. One that I’m hoping to start very soon. But I fear everything. I’m afraid of change, but I’m so ready to get out of this hell.
I just have to keep thinking that there is something better than this out there. There has to be.
I don’t want a perfect life, I know there is no such thing, but damn it. I just want to be happy and it seems that even that is too much to ask. I don’t understand what it’s going to take for me to just be happy with what I have, where I’m at. To be semi-normal. I’m just tired of being like this.
I’m tired of being in a building full of people and feel empty and lonely.
I grew up in a Baptist church, Southern Baptist to be precise. I grew up thinking that you had to wear a dress to church. You had to go every Sunday morning and night, which was the worst for me, being a small child. I had a hard time staying awake.
Anyhow, I grew up in church. When I was five, I accepted Salvation, and when I was like 10 I got baptized. I went to all the church camps, including one for Church of Christ, and children were speaking in tongues. It freaked me out.
Many years later, we stopped going to church. I clung onto church for dear life thinking that it would fix all the problems I had, when it really made it worse. I was going for the wrong reasons. I wasn’t interested in hearing the message. And, most of the time, the sermons made me cry.
My family, well, my aunts have been devout Christians for as long as I can remember. I remember spending nights with my cousin, there would be a bible story, prayer, bed. In that order. At home, it wasn’t that big of a deal, but we had to attend. I think it was about the time that Bitch got sick that we stopped going. We returned to church, years later, this time for her wrong reasons.
Anyhow, so, I was noticing that some of the people on my Facebook have different beliefs than what I grew up with. Now, I have a touch of knowledge about different religions thanks to World Geography and a Sociology class. But I don’t have a true understanding.
While I was at college, in my biology class, we covered Evolution. Something I was told did not exist. We believe in creation. The world was created by God and He did it in 7 days, and we are all descendants of Adam and Eve. Or would it be Noah, since God flooded the earth and killed everyone but Noah and his family? Incest? Back to the class. We covered evolution, which made a ton of sense to me. No, I am NOT saying that we came from apes or monkeys. What I am saying is that what was shown in class made sense.
If you have a timeline, you study one particular animal, like humans. From the earliest humans to today, we have really changed and adapted to our surroundings. Now, I did not say that we came from monkeys. No. There were cavemen, they did what they had to so that they could survive. But have you looked at records of animals and seen how much they change over time? What was it that they used…? Birds? Certain birds have changed the shape of their beaks so that they are more able to survive.
Anyhow, they showed us a spectrum. At one end, Creationism. The other, evolution. And somewhere in the middle was a mix of the two, called Evolutionary Creationism. The belief that God created the earth and the universe and all in it, but the fact that evolution does exist in the specific species. I’m probably saying that wrong…The point is, we did not come from monkeys, but we have evolved as a race, as a species. There we go! Looking it up, it’s called Theistic Evolution.
I believe that there is a God. And he created the heavens and the earth and all living things. But, I don’t feel that he is that involved in our lives, like the church wants people to believe. I think that there are times where he intervenes and makes something happen, but for the most part, we’re on our own. We make our choices, our mistakes — look at global warming? If he were to intervene in everything, I think that we would still be running around naked, and the earth would look like the garden of Eden.
Another problem that I have with the church….the Bible. Don’t get me wrong, there are some great things in there. Great things. But, the church rewrote the bible. This is how I see it: There are documents that are hundreds of years old written in Hebrew, yes? The Romans were the ones who started the church, did they speak Hebrew? I don’t know… What do Romans speak? So if they don’t speak Hebrew, they probably can’t read it. So they “rewrote” the works of the disciples…. The church is all for scare tactics. They took pagan holidays and twisted them to fit the church, i.e. Easter, Christmas… Not that I don’t love the two holidays. But who’s to say that these things really happened? Where you there? Did you see it? Who’s to say that the church didn’t make all this stuff up, or change whatever was written?
I love God, I love that he created my home and my life, the very breath I breathe. But I don’t think that you have to go to church every Sunday to be saved, you don’t have to read a book rewritten by the church and a king to believe. I still think that science explains a lot more than religion does. Evolution exists, not between separate species, but in the species individually. I believe that there is a heaven, but I don’t want to think that there is a hell. God is a loving god who doesn’t hate. So I don’t believe that God hates gays. He loves everyone, even the people who don’t deserve it. That’s what I believe.
But, I know that there are totally different ways of looking at things. There are so many religions out there. I am definitely NOT trying to step on anyone’s toes, or squash beliefs. This is simply my thoughts. Everyone is entitled to their opinions. If you have a certain religion, I am more than happy to hear about it. Just tonight I was talking to an Atheist, it was interesting what they believe or don’t believe. Feel free to leave a comment about your religion and your thoughts, but I’m not looking for a debate. So, if you are going to answer aggressively, your comment will be deleted. Just looking for some insight to what other people truly believe.
Yea, I know, It’s a funny title. 🙂
If I were to write a book, I think that would be the title. I might have borrowed it from a friend. 😉
Anyhow, I was just thinking about my bucket list, and one thing on there was to write a book and actually be published. I mean, how cool would that be?
What would I write about? Yea…I don’t know. I used to work on a book. I think I got up to ten chapters. But, if I remember, it was like a rip off of some other book that I had read. I can’t really remember. I should find my jump drive and look it up!
I remember that it was about a girl that was dealing with depression. She has powers, like invisibility and the ability to fly. She, was me. It was based on the feelings that I was having at the time, I started it in the ninth grade. Like when I started actually realizing that I was depressed. Man, this makes me really want to find that drive!
I know that I had put a lot of effort and time into it, of course if it has things that I (at the time) “borrowed” from other books, it needs some major work done. But still, do you know how cool it would be to sit there and work on it again?
I was really big on writing stories, short stories at the time. Maybe that’s why I like to blog so much.
Just some musings this afternoon.
Just stop. Just stop. Just stop.
I’ve been repeating that for several minutes now, and it does no good. I’m panicky today. I’m very anxious. I feel like I’m going to be sick or sit there and cry with no end.
I know that it’s ridiculous for me to feel this way, but this is exactly how I feel. I don’t want to go to work. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t take anymore stress from this place. It’s killing me. A lot faster than I would like to admit. I can’t. I just can’t…