I need to be able to turn the page. To close this chapter and move on.
I need to not care what you’re doing anymore. To move on without wondering about you in the back of my mind.
I’m different now than I was before.
I’m not the same person that I was. I’m better.
I don’t have as many panic attacks.
I don’t have as many down swings.
I’m mostly stable now.
I’m finding myself.
Finding out what I need in my life.
At one point, I thought what I needed was you.
You’re nothing but my past now.
Another chapter in history.
You’re not a part of me anymore.
I’m not crazy anymore.
I don’t want to die.
I want to live my life and move on.
But I want to move on with you.
I want to close the door and not look back.
But there are so many good memories that hide there.
You’re nothing to me anymore.
You’re just a dream that I had.
You know that place between sleeping and awake?
That’s where you will always be.
That’s what I need to clean up now.
You can’t be there anymore.
You’re not welcomed here anymore.
You’re nothing but a piece of my history.
Another chapter to be closed.
I love you but I’m letting you go.
Silence. No I don’t want to talk.
Talking does nothing.
My brain is screaming. No words pass my lips.
Talking brings pain. I have no use of it.
Silence speaks millions of words.
Silence truly its golden.
I am hurt, broken beyond recognition.
I don’t understand what’s happening to me.
The pieces crumble, falling down.
We built a castle, nestled on the sand, beside the ocean.
Ashes, ashes fall all around me.
Burning, everything is burning now.
Our life, our lies. Everything.
When the end came, I tried.
I tried to keep hold of everything.
Dousing the flames of the deceit and pain.
I grab my chest, holding my heart close, as I run.
Broken and shattered.
I ran, ran far away hoping you’d chase me.
Looking over my shoulder, I see that you are but a dot on the horizon.
I see you now, content with a life full of lies.
Contentment based on a freedom, a freedom from me.
I don’t understand.
I can’t pretend.
I miss you, and I will always want you.
But you’ve changed, you’ve faded.
You’re more a memory than a real person,
Pictures on the wall, falling like snow.
Memories faded around the edges, missing pieces
Like a puzzle that will never be solved.
Oh, how I miss the times when we,
King and his queen, loved like no one has ever loved.
But now, I lie on the ground broken, shattered.
Dying, barely breathing.
One day, I will wake up from this.
The nightmare will be over,
But now, all I feel is pain, hurt, and anger.
I’m watching our castle burn to the ground,
All the while, shadows collapse the walls.
Secrets shout like fireworks in the night sky.
One day, you’ll look back.
One day, you’ll miss the view, the castle we built,
The walls that we put up around our love.
One day, you’ll realize you never should have set fire to us.
You never should have shot me.
Leaves are changing, the weather cooling, cool breezes brush my face.
I love the fall. The color and the smell.
Now, there is a feeling of anxiety surrounding the month, and I remember why now. Bitch tried to kill herself, three years ago, in two days from now. On October 3… How could I forget that.
It makes sense now, realizing that this is what is surrounding my anxiety about this month. There are memories that are trying to resurface that had been buried since last year.
You hold so much promise. A new month, a new life, a new place, and hopefully so much more.
As the colors of the leaves begin to change, I pray that I, too, change with them.
A new breeze comes by, bringing with it hoodies, and campfires.
I hope that you are as excited as I am to see what you hold this year. You only get one shot.
I hope that this year will be better than the last.