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The Feeling of Defeat

This weekend has really just kicked me while I’m down.

There’s a lot going on at home that I’m not comfortable with sharing right now. But things are better as of right now, this feeling could change at any moment.

Things are overwhelming me. Like not having enough money to pay bills that keep stacking up everyday. There is only so much that people can do, you know? And bill collectors have no compassion for people, they just want their money. I get that. I really do.

Anyhow, so the feeling of defeat. It’s been overwhelming me today. I feel like giving up. No, not dying. Just giving up on everything. It seems as though I can’t do anything right. I know the saying, when things don’t go right, go left. Haha. Yea, but really. Life would beĀ  so much easier if I was just numb or stupid. Or something other than me. I feel like everything that is going on is my fault. Which, It really is. If I had just kept my mouth shut and went to work, we wouldn’t be in this boat. But then, I would probably be back in the hospital, and all the progress that I have made would be gone.

i feel the walls coming up. Like there is no sense in talking. Because, talking makes things real, and real is worse. So if you keep your mouth shut, things go without being talked about, so there is nothing to cure, because it doesn’t exist.

I’ve had to take my seroquel twice today, remember that I was using as PRN for anxiety in the hospital. The first time I took it, It knocked me out. But it made the thoughts slow down. I was having racing thoughts so bad that I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t focus long enough to do anything. I tried journaling for 30 minutes and only made it for 20, but I guess that’s better than nothing. I tried writing a post earlier, got a quarter of the way through it, and quit suddenly.

I’m just anxious about everything. About my life, about not having money, I could care less about not having a job, but I need the money. Hubby needs me to have a job. I can’t get my unemployment until the 18th, and that’s not helping us now. Although, even if I were to have a job right now, it wouldn’t be helping us right now either. It’s a mess.

I feel like things at home aren’t going well. With me not being able to focus, and Hubby apparently too worried to function at this point, the house is a mess and I can’t do anything about it. I’m lucky if I get through this post.

Mom worries about me, I don’t blame her. I worry about me too. But I don’t want to do anything.

I feel defeated, as though nothing I do is right. There is no point to anything and I just want to run away. But there is really no place to run to. I mean, I have a place to go, if I need to, but no matter where I go, I’m going to be followed by my problems. I feel the walls closing in on me.

I know this is temporary, just like anything else. This too shall pass. Just keep breathing.


This is No Time To Panic


UGHHHHH! I am so frustrated! I got my paycheck this morning from my previous job, which I apparently left with only 3 hours of work, and I got a whole whopping $4!

Now, it’s crunch time! I am frustrated and panicking this morning. I thought that I would have had more money than this, and in fact, I would have. Had they not taken out my insurance that I thought for sure that I wasn’t getting anymore, I also thought that they would give me my sick time.

So I tried to call them, right? Seeing as how they made an obvious mistake, I should be compensated? No. The person in charge of paychecks is, of course, not there. FUCKKKKKKK.

On another note, I apparently qualify for unemployment…. Unfortunately, they won’t release funds for another week. OF COURSE.

Bad day begins.


Loneliness at Work

I feel so lonely tonight. I’m tired and I just want to go home.

I’m back at work. Shocker right? I’ve had like a week off and have gotten used to being with hubby at night. Being with him after he gets off work and sleeping with him at night. Now. Now, I’m all alone.

I hate that feeling. It feels like something a pathetic person would say, and I’m not pathetic. But I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to do this. I want to go home.

I want to be with him. I want to be asleep and in his arms. But I’m not.

I’m sweating my ass off for people who could care less. Not the residents, but the others that I have to deal with. While the night is going quickly, it’s not going quick enough. I’m still here and I don’t like it one bit. I keep trying to tell myself “one more day, I can do this.” But I feel like I can’t. I just want to go home.

If I didn’t need to work, I wouldn’t. But I need the money, isn’t that always the problem? Money is a major issue with everyone. Money rules the world and is the root of all evil. Pathetic.

I have a new job lined up. One that I’m hoping to start very soon. But I fear everything. I’m afraid of change, but I’m so ready to get out of this hell.

I just have to keep thinking that there is something better than this out there. There has to be.

I don’t want a perfect life, I know there is no such thing, but damn it. I just want to be happy and it seems that even that is too much to ask. I don’t understand what it’s going to take for me to just be happy with what I have, where I’m at. To be semi-normal. I’m just tired of being like this.

I’m tired of being in a building full of people and feel empty and lonely.