But I guess my brain has other ideas right now.
My doctor has put me on geodon and taken me off the seroquel completely. There’s little sleep. So I had to make a quick appointment with her last week to be seen. She increased the geodon and added Lunesta.
I’m feeling more anxious. And it very well could be due to the lack of sleep. But I’m restless. I go to lay down and my mind starts going, then I have to move. I eventually have to get up. So it’s really no use laying down until I’m absolutely ready to go to sleep.
It’s starting to interfere with my job. I’m too restless at work. I constantly need to do something, but I’m too tired to do it. I can’t concentrate. I feel like I’m a mess.
Hubby tells me that I have a lot going on, and he’s being patient with me which I appreciate. I wish I could be more patient with myself.
“Have you ever been depressed?” She asked timidly.
“That’s a dumb question to ask someone like me.” I replied.
“Well, what’s it feel like?”
“What do you mean?” I said, looking sideways at her. “I’m on antidepressants, so yea I’ve been depressed.”
“Well, how did you know you needed that?” She asked, looking down at the floor.
“There are days that I can’t get off the couch…” I started, quietly, not sure where this was going.
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Change is a good thing right?
I’ve got a LOT going on recently, like a new job hired me, Hubby told me that he’s taking a new job, which means moving.
I don’t like change. I don’t.
It scares me, because I like the ordinary, I like routine.
But I know that we need this change if we are ever going to survive this year. It’s been a really hard year, and we are only 5 months into it.
Speaking of change, the new medication I’m on, helps, a lot. It’s weird because I’m used to switching back and forth pretty regularly every other day. But now, there are very few times that I am upset to the point that I want to cut. When i get stressed out, yea, I think about it, but that’s about as far as it goes and the moment passes pretty quickly. I’m sleeping more, which I think is a good thing, because I am always tired.
Things are going to get better, they have to.
I just woke up, not too long ago, and I’m already anxious.
The thought of having to go to work tonight is weighing heavily on my mind. I know that it’s stupid, but my work drives me crazy. I’m anxious.
I’m nervous because I don’t want to go in there and see how many people I have to take care of, be yelled at by other nurses, not receive any help when I need it, and be stuck there all night when my hubby sleeps soundly in bed.
I’m tired of night shift, it’s a lot easier, but I want to be home. With him. I’m tired of missing him all day and all night. We rarely get to see each other, except the days that I call in or the hour he’s home before I have to go to work.
The sad thing is, the area we live in, no one is hiring. Or, if they are hiring, I’m not qualified or they won’t pay me.
We had this argument yesterday. I want something that allows me to work the same hours as him. “So you don’t want to work weekends?” No, I don’t. “Well, you can’t be that picky!”
Ok, really. It’s my life, I think that I’m entitled to be a frigging picky as I want. I’m the one that has to suffer through the day, not him. He enjoys his job.
Basically, the way I took it, our problems are all my fault. My fault because I hate my job, I don’t go in. So I’m supposed to suck it up and deal with it. But that is really hard. Because, when I’m at work, I want to hurt people. I want to hurt myself. I can’t handle everything that is going on there. I can’t. If I had help, all night long, we could talk. But they rarely do that. And then the other nurses bullying me into having more residents than what I’m due, more than I can handle…How am I not supposed to go nuts?
“Well, if you would call the doctor, you could handle work better.” Bullshit. I barely handled it the first time I was there alone and taking meds.
I don’t know what else to do. I’ve applied other places. Honestly, I don’t want to work, but since that’s not an option, I’m looking. NOTHING is going on that I can get into. I’m trapped…again. Fuck my life.
I just wish that it was Friday evening and I could freeze time. The weekend would never have to end, I wouldn’t have to go back to work.