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I’m Not Following

It’s been two months since I’ve seen my doctor. I didn’t think it was that bad until I got in there this morning and started talking, then I realized that a lot has happened in the last two months. 

I’m on my second job since the hospital, I left due to my hours being unsteady, but I’m supposed to be prn. The first job I got after, was an hour away from my home, starting at 6 am. Meaning I had to leave before 5 to get there on time to work twelve hours to drive an hour home. So this new one that I started, I’m working the night shift. And I haven’t worked night shift in four years. To he honest, I like it. It’s just taking some time to adjust. Like today, I haven’t slept but an hour, maybe two. But I’m feeling ok. 

I’m having intrusive thoughts about my legal mother and fears of people breaking into my home and raping me. Like this morning, I couldn’t differentiate the dogs scratching on the door, I thought someone was trying to break in. And then the cat scared me and sent me over the edge. All I could see were two men coming to take me away with me screaming and Marcus being asleep. So I woke him up and we talked, we played “real or not real” until I felt better. And then we left for the appointment.

We got there and she asked how I was doing. I told her that I was better than I had been. I’ve been up and down. I’ve been anxious. I’ve been spending a lot of money. Which, then she had to ask how much I spent, i said like $200. Marcus said it was more than that. And she asked if we were able to pay our bills, to which I had to say no. 

We talked about Marcus going into the hospital and how traumatizing that was for me. And she said she wasn’t following me. “Didn’t you want him to get help?” Of course I did. I’m the one who took him to the er, but I wanted to take him to the facility. And I don’t like being alone, he’s part of my routine, he’s my rock. I need him. I told her that they took him away from me and it felt like he died. She didn’t understand why I was so upset. 

We talked about donna and the nightmares that she’s in. The intrusive thoughts about her. 

We talked about my anxiety which is at  a higher level than it should be. Increasing panic attacks. 

We’re testing my blood for my thyroid and prolactin, and my annual labs. 

So we’re increasing my Zoloft. She wants me to see a counselor. Im not sure how I feel about seeing a counselor. 

And that’s the latest. 

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New Psychiatrist

New Psychiatrist, new diagnosis, and one new medication.

I finally had my appointment with the new psychiatrist here. She was super nice and informative. She asked all the right questions and even allowed me to voice my concerns about the situation I’m currently in.

She diagnosed me with Bipolar disorder, which I already figured that out a while back, and I experience hypomania. I still have the PTSD, I wonder if that will ever go away? She said that the reason I always catch the shadows is because of my PTSD, something that I should have figured out, but didn’t think about it.

She’s keeping me on my current medications, but she’s adding Topomax for headache prevention.

I know that this is a short post. But that’s all I have right now.

Insurance Woes

So, since I quit my job recently, my insurance ran out at the end of last month. Fortunately, all of my last appointments were covered. Unfortunately, my medications and next appointments aren’t covered.

Today, I went to refill my prescriptions. The pharmacy tried to run my insurance, even after I told them I didn’t have any. They came back saying that two of my prescriptions couldn’t be filled until the 9th because of the insurance. Again, I explained that I didn’t have insurance. So they had to go back and redo some things. Finally, I got my meds. It only took almost an hour…

It’s a bitch trying to get things done without having insurance. I do understand that it’s my fault that I no longer have insurance, but still. It shouldn’t be this complicated. Or at least I don’t think that it should be this complicated.

My anxiety is pretty high today. Which sucks. We’re going to Weatherford. I should be happy, but I’m not. I’m nervous. I realize that I’m going to have to deal with BIL and possibly, him — my enemy, the cause of all my flashbacks. Ugh. This is why I feel off kilter today.

Hopefully, things will get better.

Baby Talk

For years, I have wanted children. I want a baby.

But, my doctor recently told me not to try to get pregnant until I get straightened out…

I can understand why.

No one would want a psychotic mother.

But I really think that I could be a good mom.

I know how to care for a baby.

I know that there are sleepless nights.

But then, I wonder…

Am I too fucked up to have a child?

I stumbled across a blog entry about being bipolar and getting pregnant.

The author made it sound like a death sentence.

Like bringing a life into the world would be the worse thing possible.

But I understood her points.

She’s bipolar, apparently, severely.

And I can understand that you can’t take medications during pregnancy due to birth defects.

Then, there’s the aftermath.

After you’ve had the baby, and you’re out on your own.

I just understood her reasoning.

Bipolar can be genetic. Or, maybe, it is genetic.

So, you don’t want to unleash hell on a child.

It makes me sad to think that maybe, after all these years of crying because I don’t have a baby

I can’t have one after all.

I’ve felt my clock ticking for over 2 years.

Yes, I know that I’m only 22 years old, but I’ve been married for a while

And I really want to add a child to our family.

But what if everything is too fucked up for a child to come into this house?

Maybe that’s the reason why, after two years of trying, we still don’t have a child.

What if it’s all because of me?

The reason we can’t have a child is due to me and my illness.

Does this mean that I can’t have babies?

Because I’m too fucked up?