Blog Archives

My World

There is a song that sticks in my head when I feel alone. It’s called “My World” by Sick Puppies.

This has been a really tough year. It’s only half way over, and I’m already ready to see the next year and hope that it holds better fortune.

My husband and I separated in August of 2013, after almost 3 years of marriage and 5 years in a relationship, he called it quits. At the time, it really hurt. It still hurts. But in hindsight, I saw it coming. I knew that after my hospitalization last year, that our marriage was done. He held on long enough for me to get stable and then he was done. Meanwhile, he got involved with a girl named Tasha, a resident in Hico with a child. Now, he says that there was nothing going on when we were together, but I know that’s a lie. Because I know Justin, and I know how he acts when he has a girl on the side. I’m not an idiot, I see signs. Plus, he moved in with her not even two weeks after he kicked me out. That’s not my point.

We got divorced in March of 2014. Four days after his birthday, to be exact. He got stuck with all the debt that occurred while we were married. He got mad, of course. Threatened me, of course. But now he’s moving on. He posted on his Facebook page about our divorce: “Officially divorced!!! Gonna go get drunk and party tonight! Yee yee!” The comment below, someone said “I’m sorry”. He came back with this: “Dont be sorry. Im finally free from the crazy depressing psychotic suicidal wench that ruined the past 3 years of my life.” It hurt. A lot, when I saw that. It felt like my heart had been ripped out again.

I talked to my case worker today. She’s like a counselor and I can talk to her about anything. I told her all the things that has been going on, and what I had found out about Justin. She asked me if I thought I had a “bad picker”. You know, always picking people who are bad for you. i think it’s something to do with being Borderline. We face abuse at an early age and I think that we mirror that in our relationships. Finding those who are bad for us and abusive in their own way. Justin very rarely laid a hand on me, but he was abusive emotionally, just like Donna was.

That’s another thing, too. Donna, who was my mother for 19 years suddenly up and left me because I started making boundaries for myself. That’s something that we borderlines are bad at. Finding our boundaries to protect ourselves. Finding what we’re willing to deal with versus what we are needing to do without.

Setting boundaries has never been a strong point of mine. And when I do finally set them, things seem to back fire on me. When I set boundaries with Donna, she walked away. When I set boundaries with Justin, he walked away. When I set boundaries with my ex-roommate, she was accusatory and violent – threatening me with the cops. Boundaries are important, and we all need them. To put them up to protect ourselves and our sanity, we have to be strong. And it’s hard when people want to do nothing but tear them down. People often like to push boundaries and break them. That’s why it’s so hard for us to stand firm.

I’ve had a bad run with men. All the men in my life have been abusive in some way, shape, or form. And they’ve all walked away at some point or another. One boyfriend turned out to be gay, one boyfriend raped me, Justin cheated on me while we were engaged and then again while we were married and he walked away, Jay walked away without saying a word. The important people in my life seem to disappear. This is why I don’t have many friends. Because when I let people in, they always let me down.

I may not have many friends, but that doesn’t make me crazy or sad or lonely. My life is full of love from those who are most important to me. And if you think that your words can rock me, they are like the wind blowing the tree. I might shift, but I never break.

Welcome to my world, where everyone I ever need always ends up leaving me alone. Another lesson burned, and I’m drowning in the ashes, kicking, screaming. Welcome to my world.

Wrecking Ball

I came in like a wrecking ball,

I never hit so hard in love,

All I wanted was to break your walls,

All you ever did was break me,

Yea, you, you wrecked me.

— Miley Cyrus, Wrecking Ball

A lot of people give Miley Cyrus hell about her outrageous behavior, I happen to be one of those. But the one thing you can’t deny, she made, at least, one good song. Wrecking ball, in my opinion is about a girl who was hopelessly in love with a boy who really couldn’t care less.

He had his walls up, and all she wanted was to be inside of the walls, to know what was going on in that head of his. But, by trying to break the walls, she wrecked herself.

I can relate to this song, a lot more than I would have hoped.

I never meant to start a war

I just wanted you to let me in
And instead of using force,
I guess I should’’ve let you win.
I never meant to start a war,
I just wanted you to let me in.
I guess I should’’ve let you win…

Don’t you ever say, I just walked away,

I will always want you.

–Miley Cyrus, Wrecking Ball

I never meant to start a war, all I wanted was to be inside of your world, to know what was on your mind. Now I’m told that I was trying to change you? No.

Anyhow, like/love Miley or not, I like this song.

The Low Swing

It seems that I’m on a low swing, at least for the time being. I have been reading like there is no tomorrow. It gives me an escape from my situation.

Its been a month or so since we’ve separated. And I’ve only heard from him like twice. And that should be OK with me, because I know that talking to him makes me miss him. More than I already miss him. We talked the other day, a long conversation about how are lives are going. He got rid of Maggie and the puppies, so now he has Remy and his family. He has a new house. A truck. He’s moving on. Its only a matter of time before he has the balls to tell me who he met while I was gone. But he still hasn’t said it.

Anyhow, my low swing, I had mistaken the beginning of it as my hypomania…I thought that it was mixed. But the more that I’m looking at it, the worse its getting. I want to cut just so I can feel something. But I haven’t. I feel that people would be extremely pissed if I did. Not that I should really let that matter, I mean I love my family. But when are they not pissed about something I’ve done or not done? That’s not fair to say that. My family has been extremely supportive of me in my separation and my bipolarism.  I just can’t see them hurt because of me.

Lately, I feel numb. I feel empty. There is nothing. I put on the mask everyday at work that tells people that I’m fine. But I’m not. I don’t feel fine. I feel empty.
So I read, to escape the feeling of emptiness I emerse myself in the characters’ lives and deal with their hardships. I feel something. And then I think of them as real people, I realized that yesterday actually. I have never done that… Or at least I don’t think I have. But I’ve been noticing that I miss them when I’m not reading. I wonder what they are doing, and then I realize that they are fiction. Made up people based on an authors imagination.

I’ve noticed that I can’t grasp things very well anymore. When I’m at the register, I end up almost throwing everything, dropping things on the scanner or in bags. Its been weird and I don’t like it at all.

Then I’m realizing that my whole life revolved around him. My hubby, that I had been so proud to call mine, is all that I’ve known for 5 years. I don’t have any friends near me, I have Amber, but she’s busy and so am I. I only have my family. I don’t even remember how to date people. Not that anyone has asked me out…

Then, I see all these people with their babies or their husbands and all I can think is how dare you come through my line while you’re kissing on each other. Or I think that I used to have that and I don’t now. Its a painful longing for company. Company that I don’t have.

I’m low. So low that I just want to feel. All I’m doing is sleeping or reading or working. And I’m tired. I hate depression! It takes all your joy and your energy and all your time. Its exhausting to deal with.

I wish more people understood. I wish that it was more open than it is. And its not. And it probably will take a long time before it is as open as we all hope.

People look at me and ask if I’m OK. All I can say is yes. I’m not OK. And they know it. They know that when I get quiet that something is going on. But they don’t push, and I’m thankful for it.

Take this razor, sign your name across my wrist, so everyone will know who left me life this… Bayside

I’ve been listening to Bayside a lot lately. They have a lot of songs that relate to how I’m feeling or lack in feeling.

I miss you, but I know things won’t change, so I’m not coming back. Just so you know. I love you. And I will always love you. I miss you terribly. But you started this, and I’m not playing games with you. This is goodbye. I hope that, one day, we will be friends again.

Perfect

“Hey dad look at me, Think back and talk to me, Did I grow up according to plan?
And do you think I’m wasting my time doing things I wanna do?
But it hurts when you disapprove all along.

And now I try hard to make it, I just want to make you proud, I’m never gonna be good enough for you.
I can’t pretend that I’m alright.
And you can’t change me

‘Cuz we lost it all, Nothing lasts forever.
I’m sorry, I can’t be perfect.
Now it’s just too late and We can’t go back.
I’m sorry, I can’t be perfect.

I try not to think About the pain I feel inside.
Did you know you used to be my hero?
All the days you spent with me, Now seem so far away
And it feels like you don’t care anymore.

And now I try hard to make it, I just want to make you proud.
I’m never gonna be good enough for you
I can’t stand another fight, And nothing’s alright.

‘Cuz we lost it all, Nothing lasts forever.
I’m sorry, I can’t be perfect.
Now it’s just too late and We can’t go back.
I’m sorry, I can’t be perfect.

Nothing’s gonna change the things that you said.
Nothing’s gonna make this right again.
Please don’t turn your back,
I can’t believe it’s hard Just to talk to you, But you don’t understand.

‘Cuz we lost it all, Nothing lasts forever.
I’m sorry, I can’t be perfect.
Now it’s just too late and We can’t go back.
I’m sorry, I can’t be perfect.

‘Cuz we lost it all, Nothing lasts forever.
I’m sorry, I can’t be perfect.
Now it’s just too late and We can’t go back.
I’m sorry, I can’t be perfect…”

— Simple Plan

 When I first heard this song, I was in tears. Why? Simple. It’s my life, with Bitch.

Nothing I could do was ever right. We couldn’t talk. We fought, all the time. This was my life. And this song, this one simple song, hit the nail right on the head. It was so weird. It became my anthem. I even used some of the lyrics in a note to her, asking (begging) her for forgiveness — something I did was to grand just to say “I’m sorry”, I had to beg.

I don’t know why Simple Plan wrote this song, but I know it’s for people like me.

Bitch, was everything to me. She was my mom, she was my hero. She was everything. And she just kept throwing it away. Kept killing our relationship, over and over.

Of course, if you ask her, it was always me. I was the reason that Everything went to shit. I’m still the reason why we can’t get along.

I wish I could just let her go. But I think about her often, and no, not fondly. I had a dream about her last night. I was running away, and I kept running. I’m tired of her killing my dreams.

I’m sorry that I can’t be perfect…