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In Sickness and Health

These are words spoken in wedding vows and they mean so much to me. 

When we got married, I figured that I would be the one with the bad days. Having Bipolar Disorder gives you some ups and downs in life, days where getting out of bed is a feat in itself. But I found someone who has grounded me in safety and security. And when I have a bad day, it’s not as bad as it used to be. 

Now, I take care of him. And some times, it’s not easy to do. Not because I don’t want to do it, I would do anything for him. I would change the world for him if I could. But some times, it’s difficult to watch.

I remember a test that we had to do, to see how his muscles responded to stimuli. No one prepared me, when we took vows, that in sickness and health meant watching a doctor basically torture your husband for a test. A test that he needed, but you could tell that it was painful. 

“In sickness and health”, we really think of the healthy times. I see families together being happy, you don’t want to think about what happens when someone gets sick. And some times people think that sickness means just a simple cold or something. But a medical mystery? That’s something entirely different. 

It’s been an adventure. With the good days and and the bad days, I can tell you that we have taken our vows seriously. We take care of each other. We take turns some times, and some days we take care of each other at the same time. 

They don’t tell you, when you take those vows that you’re going to worry. Or that you’re going to want to know more, that you’re going to try to research everything you can to try and figure this out. They don’t tell you that you’re going to call every doctor several times a week just to get an appointment, or a certain medication refilled, or an MRI scheduled. They don’t tell you all of this.

But they can’t tell you that it makes you stronger. That it makes your marriage better. Love and marriage, sickness and health, it takes work. You have to want to work on it – I’ve seen illness tear people apart. But, for us, I feel like this adventure has made us stronger and made us love each other better. 

I know in my heart that I love my husband more and more every day. I want to be with him and take care of him, no matter where this takes us. I want to grow our family together. This has brought us closer than I ever thought possible.

To my husband, I am so proud of you for being you. For waking up each day and fighting your battle. For loving me like you do. You are an amazing man with such strength, we can only keep going from here. Together, we will make it through this. You give me courage and strength when I need it. I will always be here for you. I’m proud of all of your accomplishments. I love you to the moon and back, Siempre por Siempre.

Marriage Equality

equality

I am super excited to say that America finally got one right. Finally, on June 26, 2015, Gay Marriage is legal in all 50 states! I am so excited! Why? Because one right that everyone else has, now everyone can share it. The right to get married and be in love should be equal and available for everyone. And now, It is! Finally, my friends can be “legally” married, my Mom could get married if/when she wants. I think this is great!

Is there going to be backlash? Yes, there always will be.  But Love is Love and I am so happy.

LOVE IS LOVE

My Two Cents

There have been stories lately, on social media, because I refuse to watch the news or pick up a paper, that just piss me off. And there have been rumors, people running their mouth, and I’m sick of it.

First of all: kids running away. I have been saving this for a while now. I don’t understand why kids are running away. Like the kids who have tons of stuff, fancy clothes, iPads and such, and they run away. Then people post their pictures all over Facebook. Life might be rough at home. I can understand that. And maybe it’s just me, but you can’t just run away. That’s not how life works. I want to run away all the time. But I don’t. Because that’s not how things work. Maybe kids run away because they are sick of being treated like shit, treated like toys, treated like trophies, treated like their only purpose is to be held over someone’s head so their parents can get what they want.

Parents should treat their kids like they are special. Not that everyone gets a trophy or that you don’t have to do anything to get what you want. But treat your kids like they are people, like they matter, like they are the world to you. Their feelings matter. They are human just like you. Their feelings and fears are valid, just like yours.

Next: The whole racial thing. I don’t like it. I don’t understand it. And, personally, I’m tired of hearing about it. A lot of the problem is that both sides think the other is out to get them. That their own is better than the other. That we owe each other. Let me just say, I am not racist. I love you no matter what color your skin is. I don’t care, or wouldn’t care, if you are purple with yellow spots or white with red spots. I don’t care. What I do care about is the way you treat me. If you respect me, I respect you. If you’re being a dick right off the bat when we meet, yea, I’m not going to like you and will probably end up avoiding you.  Be respectful of each other, stay out of business that is not yours, everyone will get along.

A cop is supposed to do his job. His job is to protect and serve. Let me say this, there are crooked cops out there. We see it every day. But don’t let a few bad seeds ruin the entire force. Cops are just trying to do what they are supposed to do. I’m tired of seeing the riots because someone got shot, blah blah blah. Have you ever stopped to think that maybe, just maybe, if everyone followed the law — no stealing or vandalizing, etc. — the cops wouldn’t need to be called? And have you ever thought for a moment, that if a cop gives you an order — like, I don’t know, maybe stopping when they say to stop — he wouldn’t need to pull a gun? If cops feel threatened, they are going to react that’s what they are trained to do. That’s what happens. The same thing would apply to us, if you come up to me and I feel threatened, I’m going to react. Just follow the law. Honestly, it doesn’t matter what color you are. The law applies to everyone. Don’t do something stupid, get mad because you got caught, and then riot in the streets. It’s really stupid and immature.

People Killing Animals: Why? And for the sake of sanity, why do you post the pictures with you smiling? Like what kind of sick person kills an animal just because. Like I understand hunting and fishing, stuff like that. But I don’t understand these people who kill cats, dogs, endangered species and other things of that nature just because. I hate it. I think animals are great and they do serve a purpose. Leave them be, unless they are endangering you or your family. I’m just saying.

And dog fights, or animal abuse, because I see that a lot too, it’s sick. Pits are the most loving dogs I have ever had. And I see no reason to pit them against each other. And I think that if you’re going to abuse an animal, you deserve to be treated the same way you hurt that poor creature.

Another Thing: Christians against everything. Please don’t take this the wrong way, I love that everyone has something to believe in. I believe that there is an after life, there are miracles, and someone created the world we live in. But from my understanding of religion, or of the Christian faith, we are not the judges. We are simply meant to help others and try to show them the way. We are supposed to be beacons for sinners in hopes that others will find God and everything. No where in there does it say — Hate someone because they sin differently than you. I don’t know where everyone got the idea that we can kill people in the name of God, nor do I understand why it’s ok to protest everything. Since when are you perfect? Please tell me that. When was the last time you did everything that God told you to do? You know, you’re not “supposed” to do half of the stuff we do everyday! Eating certain meat, drinking, having sex, getting a divorce, and there are so many more examples. Please, tell me, when was the last time you were perfect? And since you are perfect, let me see you walk on water as well. I’m just saying that believing in a book that is centuries old that states that God is a loving god but you are supposed to fear him, and that you aren’t supposed to do things that you do everyday, I think something is wrong. I’m sorry. I don’t believe in the Bible. I think it’s a great book, that has some great lessons and great stories. But, it was rewritten how many times, by how many different churches, by how many different men, interpreted by how many millions of people? I’m just saying that things aren’t what you may think they are. I don’t believe that if God exists he would want us to hate everyone around us. Last time I checked, he wanted people to live in peace and harmony and be kind to others. If you want to follow a book, that’s fine. I would rather follow a rule that states to be a good person, one who would do unto others as you would like them to do to you. Why can’t we all just strive to be good people?

Apparently, there’s a group of people who call themselves “Christians Against Tattoos” and other modifications. We’re “harmful” to children, and all around bad people. Let me tell you: Some of the best people you will ever know are tattooed/pierced (or even atheist) and some of the meanest, hateful and toxic people go to church every Sunday.

Gay Marriage: Ahhh! Gay marriage! Today, on this day, June 26 of 2015, the Supreme Court of the United States finally ruled that Marriage Equality is legal in all 50 states! This is a landmark! This is exciting! But, it’s also one that is a spark of much debate, much hate, and so many harsh words.

“Gay Marriage will ruin the sanctity of marriage.” “I can’t stay married if the gay couple down the street get married!” “One man and One woman!!!” Bigots. The whole lot of you. Do you ever listen to yourself, like when you talk, like ever? I ask, because some people, I really think they have a blockage inside them. Something that the brain is telling their mouth to say something, but they can’t hear themselves talking, and all that comes out is complete garbage. There are a few people that I’ve seen online : a couple who have been happily married for years and a pastor/preacher/church someone important. The couple states that they are going to get a divorce when marriage becomes equal, that they can’t be married if some gay couple, that they don’t even know, gets married. And the pastor? Well they pastor states that he is going to light himself afire if marriage becomes legal. Seriously? Don’t you think that you’re pretty insane to light yourself on FIRE – which, by the way, can, oh, I don’t know KILL YOU! Seriously? Overly dramatic? And they say that the gay community is DRAMA!

Here’s my input: Why can’t everyone be happy? Everyone stay out of everyone else’s DAMN business and just get along? Or, don’t get married. Here, how about this: If you don’t want to get married, don’t get married. If you don’t want a gay wedding, don’t have one, don’t go to one. If you want to get married, then get married. If you want to wear nothing but rainbows for the rest of your life, marry the person you’ve been in love with for years, and genuinely be a good person, then BY ALL MEANS, do just that. I don’t understand.

Oh, and another thing that I don’t understand, how is this going to “ruin the sanctity of marriage”? Seriously. Like, Brittney Spears can have, what was it, a 55 minute marriage and that doesn’t “ruin the sanctity”? But, a couple who genuinely love each other, who would die for each other, who have dealt with hate and people telling them “no you can’t be together because it’s “immoral” ” who actually want to get married and deal with life together are going to ruin the damn “Sanctity”??? Please, tell me how much sense that makes.

“The bible says this: ____” well do you know what else the book says? It says to honor your mother and father, be kind to your fellow man, don’t get divorced, don’t drink wine, don’t eat a certain kind of meat, don’t wear pants, don’t have sex unless your married. Just out of that list, how many of those have you done just today? I’m just saying that if you want to believe a book, that’s fine. But don’t sit there and condemn everyone else just because YOU don’t like how they live. What was the saying? Hate the sin not the sinner? Seriously. If you want to consider being in love a sin, that’s fine…Well it’s not fine, but you know what I mean. Don’t sit there and condemn someone because they are in love.

Love is love

And as a last statement, why can’t we all just try to be good people?

For Ashley

From the short time of my diagnosis to now, I know that living with BPD and Bipolar isn’t a death sentence. Logic doesn’t always work when the logical thing to do is it kill yourself. So I’m here to shed a little light on the subject.

Living with BPD is hard. We go through our lives being told that we’re the problem, and maybe we are, at the time. But that doesn’t mean that the world would be better off without us. Logically, in our depressed state, we want to die. It’s the logical thing to do. It’s better for everyone around us and everyone that we care about will be better off without us, but that’s not true. And we all know it. But we forget it when we’re down.

Try to do things that will help you remember that you’re not alone in this. Before you get down, right notes to yourself, encouraging you to keep going. Show yourself what you’re living for with pictures or poems. Post them places that you will see them every day, like the bathroom mirror, bedroom door, car’s rear view mirror, any place that you will see them daily. When you feel like you’re 6 feet from the edge, call someone who cares about you and can talk you down. When you’re on the edge, have someone come over so they can physically talk you down, get in your face in a loving manner and talk to you. When you’re ready to jump, it’s time to call in some back up. Call the suicide hotline 1-800-273-8255. When that fails, call the ambulance and get yourself to a hospital. Take someone with you so that they can be there to support you until you’re admitted. It’s scary, but it’s better than making a permanent decision for a temporary emotion.

BPD:

Most people who have BPD suffer from:

  • Problems with regulating emotions and thoughts

  • Impulsive and reckless behavior

  • Unstable relationships with other people.

  • NIMH

According to the DSM, Fourth Edition, Text Revision (DSM-IV-TR), to be diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, a person must show an enduring pattern of behavior that includes at least five of the following symptoms:

  • Extreme reactions—including panic, depression, rage, or frantic actions—to abandonment, whether real or perceived

  • A pattern of intense and stormy relationships with family, friends, and loved ones, often veering from extreme closeness and love (idealization) to extreme dislike or anger (devaluation)

  • Distorted and unstable self-image or sense of self, which can result in sudden changes in feelings, opinions, values, or plans and goals for the future (such as school or career choices)

  • Impulsive and often dangerous behaviors, such as spending sprees, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, and binge eating

  • Recurring suicidal behaviors or threats or self-harming behavior, such as cutting

  • Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days

  • Chronic feelings of emptiness and/or boredom

  • Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger

  • Having stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms, such as feeling cut off from oneself, observing oneself from outside the body, or losing touch with reality.

  • NIMH

We aren’t always the problem. We have problems. We are good people that deserve love and acceptance. Don’t forget that. Just because we sabotage ourselves doesn’t mean that we don’t deserve happiness and love and every other right known to mankind. WE are people too. We just have problems, but we work on them everyday. And every day that we don’t give into our urges is another day spent being a warrior. Keep on my warriors and know that you are loved.