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That Blah Feeling

Lately, I’ve been feeling like blah. Blah is a general category for me. I don’t feel great, but I don’t feel too terribly bad, I’m not good, but I’m not bad, so I’m blah.

I had an episode the other day that resulted in crying and throwing up, then getting pissed off because of the earlier. I was freaking out because I was focusing on something that I couldn’t change. I had upset my mom earlier that day over something stupid that I should have known better than to do. But I wasn’t thinking, so I went ahead without everyone. Had I been thinking, maybe everything else would have been ok. Anyhow, I was sitting there and thinking about everything and that led to me thinking about every mistake I’ve ever made, which made me think that my newest accomplishment might be my biggest mistake yet. I’m back in School, to be an MA (medical assistant). It’s the next step up from being a CNA (certified nurses assistant). And I was sitting there thinking that everything is going to hell. I can’t pay for my bills, because I can’t hold a job, I can’t hold a job because I’m not stable yet, so what’s the point in going to school if I can’t do anything? So I started crying. And then I wanted to go home. Sad thing was, I was at home. There was nowhere for me to go. I miss people, my life before all this crap with Justin and everything else. I want to go home. But there is no home for me to go to. Nowhere that I would be happy like I want. I want to be happy like I used to be. Loved like I used to be loved.

Anyhow, that feeling passed. Well, not the going home part, but today I feel like I’m home. Or at least more home that I had been feeling. I’m doing ok. But I’m feeling kinda blah right now. It’s hard to explain, but I think that I did pretty good in the first sentence.

Remember that I want your stories for World Bipolar Day. Let’s end the stigma together by reaching out and sharing with others.

Loneliness at Work

I feel so lonely tonight. I’m tired and I just want to go home.

I’m back at work. Shocker right? I’ve had like a week off and have gotten used to being with hubby at night. Being with him after he gets off work and sleeping with him at night. Now. Now, I’m all alone.

I hate that feeling. It feels like something a pathetic person would say, and I’m not pathetic. But I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to do this. I want to go home.

I want to be with him. I want to be asleep and in his arms. But I’m not.

I’m sweating my ass off for people who could care less. Not the residents, but the others that I have to deal with. While the night is going quickly, it’s not going quick enough. I’m still here and I don’t like it one bit. I keep trying to tell myself “one more day, I can do this.” But I feel like I can’t. I just want to go home.

If I didn’t need to work, I wouldn’t. But I need the money, isn’t that always the problem? Money is a major issue with everyone. Money rules the world and is the root of all evil. Pathetic.

I have a new job lined up. One that I’m hoping to start very soon. But I fear everything. I’m afraid of change, but I’m so ready to get out of this hell.

I just have to keep thinking that there is something better than this out there. There has to be.

I don’t want a perfect life, I know there is no such thing, but damn it. I just want to be happy and it seems that even that is too much to ask. I don’t understand what it’s going to take for me to just be happy with what I have, where I’m at. To be semi-normal. I’m just tired of being like this.

I’m tired of being in a building full of people and feel empty and lonely.

Loneliness

I hate being at work. For one thing, it stresses me out more than it helps me. I don’t feel that I’m making a difference at all. I feel like a slave to someone who doesn’t care whether I’m ok or not. Another thing is that, though I’m surrounded by people, I’m alone.

I don’t have my best friend to make me smile, to help me get through the hard times, to hold my hand, or kiss me just to see me smile. I’m surrounded by people who want everything handed to them. I miss him. I miss being with him. It kills me. I want to be with him all the time. And being here isn’t helping.

Work, as I’ve discussed before, is a trigger. It makes me anxious, depressed, and is physically painful. There is not a day (night, actually) that I don’t have a headache, dizzy spell, high blood pressure, strained back, sore shoulders, the list really could go on.

It makes me think of my husband, my best friend, who isn’t here. Sleeping peacefully in our bed, while I’m suffering in a 12 hour hell. I have to get out.

Where we live is a problem. There is NOTHING hiring here. We live in a college area. Full of college kids. One reason I want to move. But I have no experience doing anything other than what I’m doing now. Nothing pays as well either.

I honestly believe that my nerves can only be pressed and stretched so far before I really do snap. I want to go home. I give up! I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to be here. I’m tired of not getting any help when I actually need it. I’m tired of nurses snapping at me for no reason. I’m tired of hurting and crying just because I have to go to work.

My hubby says that I’m not happy with my job because I’m not trying to be. Really? I am trying. I try everyday. I try to come in with a good attitude and within a few minutes, all that is shot to hell. I’m just done.