Things have changed a lot since the last time I updated the blog. I apologize to my readers for not keeping up, but things around here have been busy and chaotic.
So, in August of 2018, Marcus and I decided to move to Weatherford. We couldn’t find jobs where we were living and decided that it was time to try our luck near the metroplex. Marcus found a job right off the bat. It took me a couple of weeks, but I found something, and it wasn’t all that great so I found something else. A month later, after finding his first job out here, he quit. He said that it was due to his anxiety, which I could definitely understand; I was upset because we were supposed to be saving for our own place. So he quits and the deal was that he was supposed to be looking for a new job to replace the one he just quit. He went on a couple of interviews, filled out some applications.
Fast forward three months, he still doesn’t have a job. During these three months, we started seeing MHMR here in town. He changed medication and started skipping doses and stopped taking it all together. His attitude changed. He became more depressed. He had a passive suicidal episode for two nights in a row. He would ignore me during the day and get mad when I would fall asleep after taking my night medications. Things just got weird. He was rude, lazy — he wouldn’t help around the house, he just sat on the couch on his phone all day, and just weird. This person living with me and my mom wasn’t the man I married. When I would confront him about his behavior he would ignore me. When I would ask him about getting a job, because at this point he wasn’t even trying to look for a job, he would say that he gave me six months. There was a time, two years ago, when I got really sick and had to leave the workforce for a good six months. My mom confronted him one day, and told him he needed to get a job by the first of the year, he was not happy.
The first of the year rolls around, and he still doesn’t have a job. Needless to say, my mom isn’t happy. He’s still not doing anything around the house other than sitting on his phone. He’s not taking care of Rockee or anything. Just sitting on his phone all day. Finally, I get in his face, because I’m tired of the behavior and tell him straight up how it’s going to be. He needs to get a job, stop ignoring me, help around the house, get his stuff together or get out. He looked shocked, but I’d had enough. I couldn’t take walking on eggshells anymore, and I couldn’t take being ignored. And when I wasn’t being ignored, he would gaslight me. When I would say something hurt my feelings or something he would tell me that it didn’t happen that way. Nothing was ever his fault or anything. Like I said, things just got weird. I had enough. So, when I got in his face and everything, the behavior changed for a day. He was pleasant and he was talking more.
A couple of weeks later, things are back to the way they were. He’s trying to get accepted into a trucking school. I have a Saturday off and I have some things to do, like laundry because neither one of us have clothes. He wants to go to his parents’ house because the school needs a W-2 from last year, and it’s in a file cabinet in storage. He told me all week that I didn’t have to go because Saturday was my one day off and he knew I was tired. Well, Saturday comes and he’s asking me if I’m going. I told him no, because I had things to do. And he gets mad because I didn’t want to go. He said “You should want to go!” I told him it wasn’t because I didn’t want to go, it’s just that I had things to do. He took off that night and stayed the night. He was supposed to come back that Monday but he didn’t. When I called him, he said he didn’t know when he would be home. He stayed away for a week and a half and came back when he was supposed to start school. The day he started school, I found profiles on his Instagram that he was following of half naked people. I got really mad, and that was the last straw. I’d had enough. I was done being ignored and bullied when he wasn’t ignoring me. And then to find that? No wonder he was spending so much time on his phone…. So he went to school and I called his parents to pick him up. Worst. Idea. Ever. They called him before I could. He was mad when I did get to talk to him. And I completely understand. So Mom and I packed his stuff. It was waiting for him when he got home. He took off in my car and I didn’t hear from him for a while. His parents started to ignore my calls and everything.
A New Reality
I filed for divorce on February 15. I signed the car over to him so I could get most of my stuff out of storage, so when I move out I’m going to have to start over…again…
We tried to make another go of it. That lasted two weeks. It just felt forced and fake. He still had the same behavior and attitude. And I was apprehensive about the whole thing. Finally, it came time for him to take his CDL test, and I kept asking him what happens when he takes his test. He said that he will go over the road. And I asked what happens to us. He shut me down. He said that I should be supportive. And then he left and I haven’t heard from him since. I thought that maybe I would hear from him when they served him papers, but I didn’t.
This is for the best though. I’m thankful for him and the love he gave me when it was there. I miss him sometimes. But I don’t miss how he treated me. He became a toxic person in my life and people have noticed the difference in me. They say that I’m happier and that I glow when I smile.
The divorce should be done some time next month. I just need to finish paying the fees and we will be done.
To be honest, I haven’t been this happy in a long time. I wish him well, I pray for safe travels for him, and I hope he finds everything that he’s looking for in this life.
My life bothers me a lot.
There’s too much stress, too much frustration, too much, too much.
That being said, I don’t want my life to end. Some times I just want it to slow down.
I want to go back. All the way back. Rewrite some things and see where the path would change. But I know that, if that were possible, I wouldn’t have the family I do now.
I wish I could erase parts of my life. The parts that bother me the most.
I wish I could forget my childhood, not the good memories, just the bad ones. All the fighting, the harsh words, the emotional distress. Keep the good, erase the bad.
I wish I could forget Donna and all she did or didn’t do for me. All the times I wasn’t good enough for her. The pain she still causes me. I wish I could forget her, because I’m afraid to turn out to be just like her. But knowing her, how she is and what she does, makes me a better person. It’s a lesson in parenting I will never forget.
I wish I never married the first time. I lost a great opportunity when I did it, for what? A jerk who didn’t care about me or my feelings. I feel like spoiled goods for my husband now.
I wish I could take it all back. Retry my life and still end up with the love of my life. But I know that there is a plan bigger than me and that everything happened the way it was supposed to. Because if it didn’t, I wouldn’t have my soulmate. I wouldn’t be an advocate. I am where I am needed for now.
Things are going to change. I have goals now for my life and career. I just have to keep going.
Today we celebrated our second wedding anniversary.
It’s been a crazy two years of marriage. I didn’t think it would be like this.
We met in college. A little college, that is growing in students now, in Stephenville. It was 2010. And I liked him, but I was with someone else at the time. Had I known what waited for me there, I would have chosen him then and there. But life, life has other plans. We went our separate ways and lost touch for a long time.
It wasn’t until I started this blog and the Facebook page that we reconnected. He found my page and liked it. Eventually he messaged me and we started talking again.
Our first date was on July 18, 2014. We went to San Antonio to watch DCI at the alamodome. I remember asking “what are we?”
After that, we were together long distance. We made plans to move in together and it happened.
It was rough the first few months, I’ll admit. We were learning to live together, both of us independent and set in our ways.
He had never seen the ugly side of my disorder, very few people did. Sometimes it came out, and he was there, always there for me.
We decided that, if we could put up with each other and our differences and quirks we wanted to get married. We were in love. We were close to each other, there for each other.
We got married on September 19, 2015. It was a beautiful little ceremony. My veil got stuck in the door as I came in. He surprised me with wearing a tux! He was so handsome. I was so nervous! He talked to me the whole ceremony to make sure I didn’t freak out, because I was on the verge of a panic attack. He was sick with pneumonia, but he was able to enjoy our wedding. It was beautiful.
Since then, things have been chaotic. He’s been sick with something that doctors aren’t sure what it is. The neurologist just said “we’re going to call it Upper Motor Neuron Disease, but I don’t think that’s what it is.” We’ve been in and out of hospitals trying to treat it, seeing doctors from all over the place trying to get a proper diagnosis.
My mental health hasn’t always been that great. I will cycle from being ok and stable to being suicidal with a plan in just a few minutes time. And when I go that low it’s hard for me to come out, but he’s always there for me. I’m more stable now. I still cycle, but I feel better. And he’s still there for me.
I had the opportunity to be there for him recently. It got so bad that we had to go inpatient. But he’s better now.
The point is, two years ago, I has no idea life would throw so many challenges our way. But because of those challenges, we are closer than ever. I’ve never been this close to anyone in my life, other than my mom. I can tell him anything and everything. And when we get upset with each other we talk about it instead of letting it fester. He’s my best friend and my soul mate. I don’t want anyone else but him. If I had the chance to choose him again, I would do it in a heartbeat.
He’s my favorite person and the one I want to spend all my time with, and it hard to be apart (yes, I know my BPD is showing.)
Two years and we have 3 dogs and 1 cat, we have a home that we are restoring, we have a plan for what to do with that home. We have a lot going on but we’re together and stronger than ever.
I love you baby. Happy 2 years with many more to come!
I don’t speak well…
I know the words I want to tell you.
Words in my head that trip over my tongue.
I don’t speak well.
I know you need words.
Words of comfort and peace.
Words that will make you feel at ease.
They are there in my heart and mind.
But the path to my mouth is polluted.
My mind, it goes in a million different directions at one time.
The words get lost.
I don’t speak well.
I’m a writer.
I’ve always been better at writing than speaking.
And I know that doesn’t help you right now.
Because you need to hear the right words from me.
Words of peace and love and safety from my tongue.
But they are gone, they are lost.
Just to write this takes a while.
My mind drifts.
I don’t speak well.
I wish I could be the voice of reason for you.
I wish I could be the calm in your storm.
But I don’t speak well.
And as I’m writing this, I know you need me to say words.
But I don’t speak well.