So, I thought about you and have thought about you for a long while. I’ve tried to think of things to say to you, but nothing sounds quite right.
I loved you. I couldn’t help falling in love with you and it felt right. I didn’t know that I was in love with you until it was too late. But I loved you, and I thought that we would be together forever. Everything felt so right and real.
And then the day came that we went our separate ways. You messed up with you got him fired. I was so mad at you. And I don’t think that the distance helped any. But I was mad and I began to hate you. That was my problem, and I can’t take that back.
After all that time, you sent me a picture. And I was so mad that you dared to send me a picture when we weren’t even talking. And we had talked about getting our tattoos together. You went and did it on your own and sent me the picture. I was mad. Mad that you even thought it would be funny to send me anything. but I think, deep down, I missed you. And I have always missed you.
We began talking, though it was awkward. We worked on rekindling our relationship. It was a slow progress, but you had changed so much and so have I. It’s weird and awkward. But we were talking again and I was happy.
I decided to get married, and asked you to fill an important role, which you graciously took. But it wasn’t done the way I wanted, and maybe it’s because there was a crunch time before the wedding. But I know that things could have been different. I missed you, and I was glad that you were there for my big day.
We were fine. We had grown apart in many aspects, you had changed and I had too, we each had different friends. I moved on and you stayed in the same place. Distance is a huge factor in many relationships, and I think that it crippled ours. We couldn’t see each other, couldn’t hang out together. It was a problem. But we still talked. Still missed each other.
And then came the day that I just threw up my brick wall. It was a day that was supposed to be happy for you, and I should have been happy with you, but I wasn’t. And I’m still not, but I am trying. I should have been there for you. But I can’t be. I’m guarding myself against you, because of my own selfishness. My own jealousy blinded me for such a long time. I can’t look at you on Facebook, you’re hidden now. But everyone else posts about you and your precious cargo. It’s too much for me to handle. So I avoid. I can’t see you. And I don’t want to know. I’ve tried.
You’ll have to forgive me, I’m still working on myself. And one day, I hope to let go of my petty jealousy and become a great aunt to your little joy.
Yesterday was my day off. Yay! How did I enjoy it? I think I slept late.
We went into town to pay some bills and my ticket. Then we went home.
I fell asleep sometime after we got home. And while I was asleep, my mind played.
I woke up several times, I was hearing things in my sleep. I heard people talking. I woke up one time and saw a little girl looking at me, no one was there, it was just a trick. I heard someone walking through the house, no one was there. Seriously! Brain??? Come on.
I finally got up, only to go back to sleep on the bed. Hubby had his meeting, so he left as I napped. When I woke up again, he was still out, so I got a shower. I was still hearing things.
Hubby and I were invited to the bar with a couple of my coworkers, so I was getting ready. And honestly, half way through my shower, I became depressed. I changed my mind, I didn’t want to go. I stalled as long as I could. But hubby always came up with answers. Eventually, we left the house. He knew something was wrong, but we went.
Honestly, it was the best night I’ve had in a while. It was fun and most of the night flew by in a blur. I was drunk.
We got home late, and went to bed even later. I think the last time I saw on the clock was 2 am.
I woke up this afternoon, at 4:30ish. I say ish, because I really don’t remember. But I know that I didn’t want to get up. I didn’t want to get dressed for work, let alone drive to work. I wanted to stay home, where I’m safe and not lonely. And I could sleep. I kept feeling shaky. I didn’t want to go.
I made it to work, the shaky feeling wasn’t going anywhere. I took my blood pressure, 136/93 pulse was 112. And I really hadn’t started working yet.
My anxiety is killing me. My heart rate skyrockets to over 100 even if I’m sitting still. The trembling is getting worse. I just don’t want to do this anymore.
Before I got to work, I should add, my phone had missed calls and texts like usual. My friend had her baby. And she sent me a picture. I’m not ready to deal with that. But it hurts my feelings. It hurts because I’m not pregnant. I don’t have kids, and I want them. Badly. But I know that I have some things to straighten out. But I’m upset by everyone who has kids. It’s ridiculous. Ridiculous that I feel like this. I’m jealous and frustrated that things aren’t going my way. And I know it’s just that, that things aren’t going my way so I’m getting upset. But I still want things.
I’m still upset. And my stomach hurts. I’m nervous and I shouldn’t be. I’m already thinking about tomorrow and how I have to work and I know that I don’t want to go. It makes me nervous.
I have my counseling appointment tomorrow, and I’m not ready for that either. I don’t want to go. But hubby said that he would go with me. And I’m hoping he’ll let me stay home. But he probably won’t. He doesn’t understand. And honestly, neither do I.
Mom is trying to be supportive. She is tryin to be on my side about this whole baby thing. But she doesn’t know what to say either. And then, she’s supporting my writing. But I think she’s only reading the creative stuff, referring her friends to my site. Which is cool, but there is more to me than just the creativity. And I worry that she’s going to find something that will make her not like me. Or what if she refers her friends who read some of my other things and they think that I’m crazy?
And that’s how yesterday was better than today.
It is. It is a horrible feeling, a horrible beast that most everyone deals with.
I just happen to be jealous of my best friend. Though, I guess we aren’t best friends anymore and haven’t been for some time now. My best friend has the one thing that I haven’t been able to get yet.
The pain in my chest is heavy. It’s very hard to breathe. I can’t feel happiness for her, all I can see is her through the green eyes of a monster.
And, I’m not.
She’s due, next week, I believe. And it’s killing me that I can’t be happy for her.
I remember when she called to tell me her good news. It was November, and my grandmother was in the hospital. She had just been admitted the previous day and Mom and I went to see her. I got a call, but I didn’t pick up, we were busy trying to find the room my grandmother was in. I got a voice mail saying, “hey call me back I have something to tell you.” I pressed the call back button, voicing to my Mom “She better not tell me she’s pregnant.” And, lo and behold, she was.
Devastated was not the word. Or maybe it was. The biggest sadness I had experienced in a very long time. The tears welled up and spilled over before I could stop them. Mom, of course was on my side attempting to comfort me. But, really, what could she say? She tried to be funny, she tried to confirm that it shouldn’t have happened like this, but it did. And what else could she have said?
We’ve been trying for two years, two years. That feels like a lifetime. Don’t get me wrong, we’ve had fun, but I’m ready for the next step.
And my poor husband, he knows that something is wrong, and he presses me until I tell him what’s going on. But it feels so stupid. It’s stupid to feel like this. Or at least that’s how I feel about it. It’s not right that I feel like this.
Have you ever had that Baby syndrome? You know, the one where you see babies everywhere, everyone’s pregnant, even the damn dog is pregnant? I mean, come on! The dog??? It’s frustrating.
And, to my friend, I miss you, and I’m sorry. I wish you the best of luck in your delivery. And I’m sorry that I can’t be more supportive right now.