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Problems at the DPS

So, in case you didn’t know, I live in Texas. It’s a great state, a state that people don’t mess with. Get it??? “Don’t mess with Texas!”

Anyhow, I recently moved, to Abilene, a nice town, and so far I like it. I’ve been driving around town to find out where everything is, so that, when I need something, I know how to get there. So, I was out, looking at things, and thought “I need to change my address on my license.” I drove around until I found the DPS. Well, they moved the licensing part to the other side of town. Drive around some more, and finally I find the place. Now, let me tell you, I don’t like waiting with a bunch of people. Crowds like that make me nervous. Anyhow, so I quietly ask the lady at the desk what I need to change my address, and she tells me that I just need my license (it’s been a while since I’ve had to make a trip to get my license, so I couldn’t remember what I needed.) I give the lady my license and she looks at me and simply tells me that my license expires on my birthday next year. Duh, I knew that. What I didn’t realize was that it was so close. She tells me that I can go ahead and renew my license, for $25 of course. She gives me the paper to fill out and I go sit down to start working on it.

Looking at it, no big deal. The questions are simple, just my name and address, basic contact information. No big deal. Then, of course, it asks, do you want to register to vote? Yes. Do you want to donate your organs? Yes. Do you want to donate to this charity? No. Do you want to donate to this other charity? No. Then comes the kicker! Question 11. In the past two years, have you been hospitalized or sought treatment for a psychiatric disorder? Now, in my head, I’m thinking…”Well, that’s odd…But I remember someone saying something about it before when I was in Ft. Worth. No big deal, I’m not ashamed of what I am.” So, I check yes, I have been hospitalized and/or sought treatment for a psychiatric disorder.

Finally, they call my number. I go up to the desk, give them my paper, and the girl starts typing. She asks me what I few things are, because my penmanship can sometimes be hard to read, and I answer her questions. Then, she gets to question 11. She looks at me and asks what I have… A little too personal, I think, but since there’s no shame here, I answer “Bipolar disorder”. No big deal. Then, she turns and grabs another sheet of paper. She hands it to me and tells me to fill it out. And on this special paper, there are in depth questions, that I really don’t think are the state’s business.

This paper asks questions like: When were you hospitalized. What is your disorder? When were you diagnosed? When was your first treatment? When was your last treatment? And there were a few others that I can’t honestly remember. So…I fill the paper out, and hand it back to her. In a whisper, she asks “How long were you hospitalized?” Having looked at the back of the paper when she turned it over, I knew that I was getting into some trouble. Why? Because the form on the back asks something along the lines of people being in voluntarily hospitalized, there were some special instructions. I told her a week, back in 2013, and it was voluntary. She writes down that it was for a week, that it was for a bipolar episode, but she doesn’t put anything about it being voluntary.

Now, I’m getting worried. She’s quietly writing away, flipping the page over and over again. She looks at me, grabs this pink piece of paper and asks me to fill it out. That’s when she informs me that I will need to take a driving test before I can renew. Really? I’ve never taken a driving test. When I took driver’s education, I opted out of the driving test because the thought of driving with a policeman frightened me and I knew that I would fail. So I’ve never taken one. When I questioned her about why I would have to take one, she simply said that the State of Texas requires all drivers that have been hospitalized in the last year to take a driving test before renewal of their license. There was no other explanation or further expansion on the matter, that’s just how it is. She schedules me a driving test for tomorrow, and I’m to be there by 8:15.

By now, I’m infuriated. I don’t understand why the state thinks that just because I’m bipolar that I can’t drive a car. I could understand, maybe, if I had something that had more psychotic episodes, or if I was disassociating at the time or something. But the state is saying that I can’t drive my car without being reviewed. That doesn’t make sense to me. Of course, I don’t yell at the lady, it’s not her fault. I walk out calmly, but when I get to my car, I get mad.

I go to start my car and it doesn’t start. So, on top of being mad that I couldn’t just renew my license and move on, my car won’t start. This is just great. Long story short, the car does finally start and I go home.

I started looking at it online. Texas isn’t the only state that does this. Other states make you disclose your disorders when you apply for a new or renew a license. And, some times, they deny people their license! They have to go before the Texas Medical Advisory Board in Austin before they can get their license, and I’m thinking that they deny some people anyhow.

People have been upset about this, so I’m glad that it’s not just me. The Houston Chronicle┬áreported on it. They did some research ( I think they just stood outside a DPS and talked to people coming out) and people were not happy about it. Some people with disorders hid the fact that they had them. But there can be charges if you lie, because, let’s face it, your application is a legal document that you have to sign stating that everything on that paper is correct. “Texas applications carry a warning that failure to tell the truth could result in criminal charges, jail and a fine of up to $4,000, but officials suspect many people just lie.” – Houston Chronicle.

My thing is, if we are constantly fighting the stigma of mental illness, and we’re fighting ourselves, why do we need the state to come in and say that we can’t drive. My bipolar disorder does NOT hinder my ability to drive. My PTSD does not hinder my ability to drive. My BPD doesn’t hinder my ability to drive. I’m a decent driver, I’ve only had one accident and it wasn’t even my fault.

People can fire back saying that people with psychiatric disorders shouldn’t be allowed to drive because a car can be used as a deadly weapon. Just like gun regulations, you need to be of fit mind to get one, why not with a license to drive. Here’s the thing, I’m not going to be using my car to kill anyone. I don’t need a gun. Don’t step on me just because I’m bipolar. I will never join the military, I will never have a license to carry. But I need my car so I can get to work, and to the store, and so on and so forth. I need my car, and just because I have a psychiatric disorder, and have been hospitalized in the past, doesn’t mean that I’m a menace to society that doesn’t need to drive.

I think that this is going too far. I don’t think it’s the state’s business to know that my head isn’t on quite straight! I think that this is a breach of privacy. But that’s just one girl’s opinion.

So, I have a driving test tomorrow…And I guess we’ll be seeing if I’m allowed to drive after it.

To Friends & Family

I’ve been trying to think of what to say, how to explain my disappearance from Facebook, or from work. And nothing really sounds that great. I don’t know how to explain in simple terms, because I want people to clue into what’s going on. I think that it’s important.

So, if you don’t know, I have some things to attempt to explain, provide some key details that I have kept very private. Things that are important and vital to everyone, but are kept in the shadows. So, here goes. Read the rest of this entry

The Most Problems

The most problems

The two: BIL & Bitch

BIL: though I haven’t had much experience or 1:1 time with him, there are problems. He acts like he knows everything. He has to control everything. I “made [him] miserable”. I’ve posted about all the issues we have.

Bitch: I have 19 years of experience with her. She was my mom for 19 years, until a lot of things happened. It was a disaster of a relationship to begin with.

The crazy thing is, they are the exact same. They blame everyone for their problems, the entire world is out to get them. The world is to blame for their problems.

When it comes to me and our relationship: it’s all my fault. Whatever it is, it’s all me. It isn’t either of them, it’s me. Of course it’s me! That just makes perfect sense!

Bitch blames me for a lot of things that happened between us. It doesn’t matter that she stole money from me, shut off my cell phone (for all she knows I was left stranded without a phone in a city where I had no one), she took my high school diploma, threatened to call the cops on me, the list really can go on. When we “try” to have a relationship, she sabotages it. How? She automatically starts jumping to conclusions, blaming me, and shuts the door. But you know, it’s all just me. She wallows in self pity, blaming all of her woes on me or the world in general. She lives in a fantasy world where she is supreme ruler who knows all. It’s weird.

BIL just irritates me to no end. There are so many things that I see in him that remind me of Bitch, i.e. blaming me, self pity, sabotaging the relationship, knowing all. It’s uncanny, the resemblance. As I said earlier, he tries to control the situation, when Hubby is being a little childish, BIL swoops in to scold him like an unruly child. It’s ridiculous! And irritating because I’m not allowed to say anything. It’ll start a fight. God help us all if I start another fucking fight between us because I opened my mouth to defend myself or Hubby. He knows everything, even when he’s wrong, he knows it all.

I wish that I could get along with the two. But it’s an impossible task. At least I can avoid Bitch. BIL, on the other hand, I have to face every other weekend.

How do you deal with people like this? Obviously, from a psychological perspective, there is a ton of stuff going on that I would love to explore. But from the “lets get along” side of things, it’s hopeless.

It makes me wonder, if I’m the problem, why am I still here?

When The Past Comes Back

It’s funny how life does things. Like…throwing the past in your face. Constantly.

I received an email today from Bitch saying something along the lines of “Sorry, but this is your biological father and he passed away.” Like really?

For some background here, I have no actual relationship with my “biological father”, he was a sperm donor, in my opinion, and nothing more. He had a whole other life, family, and circle of friends. He had no rights to me, had no want to be in my life, so he’s not my Dad. So, why would I want to know of his passing? Other than the fact that I, now, know that he is no longer alive. But I don’t know him. So, without meaning to sound like a heartless person, why would I care?

It’s in the past, and so is she, so why does life keep throwing this in my face? Why would she continually try to contact me?

See, Bitch, just like BIL, live in a fantasy. A fantasy where they are both the hero of the story and everyone else is at fault. Bitch has done this to me too many times for it to make a difference. But it’s irritating. Irritating because she tells her “friends” (random people on Facebook) that she had a daughter that stopped talking to her, she has no kids, she reaches out to me every day but I ignore her…It never really changes. It’s all my fault, that’s what it boils down to.

The past should be left in the past. She’s not part of my life anymore, and I don’t appreciate her contacting me just to tell me that some man (I don’t know) passed away. I don’t know what she really wants, other than to bug me. She doesn’t want a relationship, she wants someone to control. I haven’t been that person in 4 years.

I don’t hate her, but I definitely don’t like her. Have I told you the story? Here goes:

So, for years this woman was my “Mommy”. I grew up loving and knowing her in that role. There was never a time that I questioned it. She raised me. She took me school shopping, attended school functions, etc. There was nothing that she couldn’t do.

As I got older, we became more distant. I grew closer to my mom, who, at the time, was called my aunt. (See how confusing this is?) Bitch became more of a bitch. WE couldn’t talk, about anything. I never got the sex talk, because I wasn’t having sex; I never got the “girl” talk…Kinda thankful for that, but I had questions; I couldn’t tell her about my bad days, hallucinations, insomnia, depression, curiosity, or anything. Anytime I tried to talk to her about anything, I was shut down. She would start yelling or talk over me about her needs. It was like I wasn’t supposed to have any issues or problems.

I remember when I was in 9th grade, I got called to the counselor’s office (I’ve posted about this before). They called my parents in, it was the first time they ever got called because of my behavior. It should have been a sign that she needed to listen, instead, she made some stupid joke about it, saying that we would get help. I got home, and was grounded for whatever reason. I “should have known better.” It all doesn’t matter now, but it was a big deal, and maybe I wouldn’t be doing what I am now if I had received the help I needed BEFORE it got to this point.

Life with her was really hard. I wasn’t doing good enough at school, it had to be all A’s or else. And when my grades started slipping, because school got harder, I was grounded. Really, I did very well in school. I wish I could see my transcript again. I graduated in the top 10% of my class, had a 3.74 GPA by graduation, was accepted to Tarleton. I thought that I did really well. But it wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t the perfect daughter.

Things got a little better when I went to college, I think the distance helped a lot. We were able to have a conversation, though it didn’t last for very long. But things did get better.

Now, we just talk through emails, and it’s really a fruitless effort on my part. She just does this to fish for information. I hate that. And everything is always my fault. So why do I bother?

The most recent, which had first been the email saying that my “bio-father” passed, to which I replied “what do you really want?” She replied “I don’t want a thing from you. Just letting you now your dad died. You made your choice in life, I can’t change that and wouldn’t if I could, so close the door totally if that’s what you want. Guess this is the last you will hear from me, just thought you might want to know, guess I was wrong again.” Please note, that she has said “Guess this is the last you will hear from me” several times before. I replied and told her that he wasn’t my dad. He wasn’t there. He had no part in my life. And I asked her why she does this, because I really don’t get it. She only pops up when she wants something, but then she will tell everyone that I shut her out, maybe I do. Maybe I shut her out because I’m refusing to get hurt over and over and over again. I have issues because of this woman. I have trust issues, I have nightmares involving her. I have a lot of problems because of her. And why is it that it’s always my fault? She pops up and says that it’s my fault. I don’t get it.

I’m trying to move on with my life, and right now, that doesn’t include being hurt by her lies and hate.