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Hurt

I am hurt, broken beyond recognition.

I don’t understand what’s happening to me.

The pieces crumble, falling down.

We built a castle, nestled on the sand, beside the ocean.

Ashes, ashes fall all around me.

Burning, everything is burning now.

Our life, our lies. Everything.

When the end came, I tried.

I tried to keep hold of everything.

Dousing the flames of the deceit and pain.

I grab my chest, holding my heart close, as I run.

Broken and shattered.

I ran, ran far away hoping you’d chase me.

Looking over my shoulder, I see that you are but a dot on the horizon.

I see you now, content with a life full of lies.

Contentment based on a freedom, a freedom from me.

I don’t understand.

I can’t pretend.

I miss you, and I will always want you.

But you’ve changed, you’ve faded.

You’re more a memory than a real person,

Pictures on the wall, falling like snow.

Memories faded around the edges, missing pieces

Like a puzzle that will never be solved.

Oh, how I miss the times when we,

King and his queen, loved like no one has ever loved.

But now, I lie on the ground broken, shattered.

Dying, barely breathing.

One day, I will wake up from this.

The nightmare will be over,

But now, all I feel is pain, hurt, and anger.

I’m watching our castle burn to the ground,

All the while, shadows collapse the walls.

Secrets shout like fireworks in the night sky.

One day, you’ll look back.

One day, you’ll miss the view, the castle we built,

The walls that we put up around our love.

One day, you’ll realize you never should have set fire to us.

You never should have shot me.

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Anything But

I’m trying to remain calm. I believe that I have gained a lot of my composure back and am able to process complete thoughts.

Today has been a very trying day.¬† And I don’t know when this trying day is going to end, because it feels as though it will last into eternity. I know that I can end the day by going to sleep, but honestly, when I wake up tomorrow, I’m going to be in the same situation.

For anyone concerned, I’m safe. I feel safe. I might want to break something, but I’m ok. And I’m not in danger of myself. So, I’m safe.

But I feel anything but ok. I am anything but calm.

It’s been a long day. And I hope that tomorrow will be brighter, but honestly, there is a rock in my heart that is pulling it down. There is no way to fix this and I don’t know what my next move is. All I can do is take one day at a time and keep my eyes forward.

I am anything but fine.

 

Nothing Left To Say

There has been a lot of ups and downs in my life. And recently, another huge down reared its ugly head.

Without revealing too much detail, since you’re not supposed to air your dirty laundry for others to see, I have come to realize that letting go isn’t about giving up. It’s realizing that you are the only one that you can control. I can’t control anyone else. I can’t control the actions of others. And I’m not going to try to either.

I realize that you can’t make someone love you when they don’t. You can’t make people treat you the way that you want to be treated. Even if you try over and over to matter to someone, ultimately, it’s up to them to make the decision. And that is a really hard lesson for someone like me to learn. Why? Because all I’ve ever wanted was approval, love, and devotion.

You say, “But Pres, that’s all you’ve ever had.” No it’s not. It’s not because I have never truly felt that. When I was with Bitch, I never felt it. Or maybe I felt it a few times, but unconditional love was never there. There was always something that I had to prove, some hoop that I had to jump through. There was always something. I never was truly, unconditionally loved. Read the rest of this entry

Stop Laughing

The one thing I’ve learned on this journey, is that you don’t laugh at things that you don’t understand. Chances are, the thing that you’re laughing at, should never have been laughed at in the first place. The people affected by the thing that you’re laughing at don’t accept your laughing as an innocent occurrence and take it very personally, whether you meant it or not.

And, whether you meant it or not, it’s mean and it’s cruel. And those who take those words to heart, they might not have the support system they need to be able to laugh off your laughing at their situation.

You laugh at people with mental disabilities. Why? Because it’s funny, because it’s convenient, and because you “didn’t mean it like that.” But you did, and you and I both know it.

You laugh at people like me, the ones who are sometimes so depressed that they can’t get themselves up off the couch to take a shower. Those who are too afraid to leave their home in fear that someone out there will notice their scars, or laugh at them, or trigger something that is very hard to deal with. You laugh, because it’s easy, it’s funny. Oh, and you didn’t mean it like that.

But let me tell you this. You did mean it like this. Yes. Take offense to this. And get mad, because I’m singling you out, because I’m pointing out your flawed image of yourself, and I’m pointing out that¬† you are a monster. Oh, but you didn’t mean it like that. Right?

No. Read the rest of this entry