I am hurt, broken beyond recognition.
I don’t understand what’s happening to me.
The pieces crumble, falling down.
We built a castle, nestled on the sand, beside the ocean.
Ashes, ashes fall all around me.
Burning, everything is burning now.
Our life, our lies. Everything.
When the end came, I tried.
I tried to keep hold of everything.
Dousing the flames of the deceit and pain.
I grab my chest, holding my heart close, as I run.
Broken and shattered.
I ran, ran far away hoping you’d chase me.
Looking over my shoulder, I see that you are but a dot on the horizon.
I see you now, content with a life full of lies.
Contentment based on a freedom, a freedom from me.
I don’t understand.
I can’t pretend.
I miss you, and I will always want you.
But you’ve changed, you’ve faded.
You’re more a memory than a real person,
Pictures on the wall, falling like snow.
Memories faded around the edges, missing pieces
Like a puzzle that will never be solved.
Oh, how I miss the times when we,
King and his queen, loved like no one has ever loved.
But now, I lie on the ground broken, shattered.
Dying, barely breathing.
One day, I will wake up from this.
The nightmare will be over,
But now, all I feel is pain, hurt, and anger.
I’m watching our castle burn to the ground,
All the while, shadows collapse the walls.
Secrets shout like fireworks in the night sky.
One day, you’ll look back.
One day, you’ll miss the view, the castle we built,
The walls that we put up around our love.
One day, you’ll realize you never should have set fire to us.
You never should have shot me.
I’m trying to remain calm. I believe that I have gained a lot of my composure back and am able to process complete thoughts.
Today has been a very trying day. And I don’t know when this trying day is going to end, because it feels as though it will last into eternity. I know that I can end the day by going to sleep, but honestly, when I wake up tomorrow, I’m going to be in the same situation.
For anyone concerned, I’m safe. I feel safe. I might want to break something, but I’m ok. And I’m not in danger of myself. So, I’m safe.
But I feel anything but ok. I am anything but calm.
It’s been a long day. And I hope that tomorrow will be brighter, but honestly, there is a rock in my heart that is pulling it down. There is no way to fix this and I don’t know what my next move is. All I can do is take one day at a time and keep my eyes forward.
I am anything but fine.
There has been a lot of ups and downs in my life. And recently, another huge down reared its ugly head.
Without revealing too much detail, since you’re not supposed to air your dirty laundry for others to see, I have come to realize that letting go isn’t about giving up. It’s realizing that you are the only one that you can control. I can’t control anyone else. I can’t control the actions of others. And I’m not going to try to either.
I realize that you can’t make someone love you when they don’t. You can’t make people treat you the way that you want to be treated. Even if you try over and over to matter to someone, ultimately, it’s up to them to make the decision. And that is a really hard lesson for someone like me to learn. Why? Because all I’ve ever wanted was approval, love, and devotion.
You say, “But Pres, that’s all you’ve ever had.” No it’s not. It’s not because I have never truly felt that. When I was with Bitch, I never felt it. Or maybe I felt it a few times, but unconditional love was never there. There was always something that I had to prove, some hoop that I had to jump through. There was always something. I never was truly, unconditionally loved. Read the rest of this entry