Today’s session went really well. My counselor was very pleased with my progress. She says that there is a sparkle back in my eyes that hasn’t been there for a while. I noticed it too. I feel pretty good today.
She talks a lot, a lot more than I think that a counselor should, but I like going to her. She thinks that I’m doing well. She likes my idea about speaking before a high school, saying that I’m being brave. She thinks that my story needs to be heard and that i have a lot to give others.
She also wants me to call her when I start to get down, because she wants to keep up with me. She also knows that I don’t have a job, which means no insurance, which means no money. She said not to worry about it. And for that I’m thankful. One less thing to worry about.
We talked about trying to get Rockee in to be a therapy dog… The best advice she could give me was to look online, which is what I’ve been doing. I can find the testing, the requirements, but not the training. So, if any of my readers have any suggestions on that, I would be very eager to hear from you.
Life has been very good as of the last few weeks. There was a down period last week, but like I told Pat, I don’t know if it was because of the circumstances surrounding me, or if I was simply depressed. I’m pretty sure that it was due to the circumstances.
I might have a job. So, that’s good I guess. I know that I need a job because I need the money and the insurance that is offered. But I’m nervous, or at least apprehensive because I like being able to schedule my life around what I want to do, instead of around a job. But, we’ll see how well it goes.
In therapy, we talked a little bit about my dreams. They all include bitch. That is something that is ever present. Pat thought that maybe it’s because I want to pursue that with her. But I told her that I know where bitch is, and it’s not a good place for me right now. I know that it’s something that I can’t handle right now. Pat said that she understood. And she thought that it would be good for me to just put that on the back burner and maybe come back to it later.
I think that I’ve made a lot of progress. I hope that this trend continues.
I have been neglecting my blog again… Like that should be surprising.
I have been doing a lot at home. Doing chores and looking for jobs, or sleeping pretty much fills up the day.
I’ve been doing well. I haven’t had too much anxiety or negative side effects. The Doctor that I drove all the way to Arlington for her to see me for only 20 minutes gave me a higher dosage of my Celexa, saying that it should help with the anxiety. Well, I guess it has, but I also haven’t been in any stressful situations. I do know that the medicine is effecting me. Although, at this point, I am not sure if it is negative. I see some random side effects that I haven’t looked up yet, like muscle twitches. They don’t bother me so much, so I don’t see that it’s too big of a deal.
I have been dreaming. A lot, really. It’s getting weird that all my dreams pretty much have the same cast of characters. It’s annoying. And I’m assuming that it has something to do with my mind processing the information that I’ve been dealing with since the hospital. Like the issues with bitch and Him. (Sorry, I don’t remember what codename I gave to him…)
Speaking of him, I saw him when I got out of the hospital. I’m sure that it was him. I caught him out of the corner of my eye, but when I turned, I know that it was him. It took everything I had not to panic, but I felt it setting in. I could feel everything, and I almost slipped away. Mom and Hubby were there to help me focus on where I was. What if I had been alone and had seen him? It would have sent me into an attack and lord only knows where I would have been then.
I haven’t heard from Bitch in a while, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t think about her from time to time. Especially when I dream of her at night. There is nothing I can do to help her, but I still see her. She’s still very upset with me and my choices, who I chose to be with versus being with someone who abandoned me. I don’t understand how she can sit there and say that she loved me and wanted me when she just left me. I don’t understand how you can give up 19 years of life, just throw it in the trash and expect me to just jump back on board. She wants nothing to do with me, although, she did unblock me from Facebook. I can now look her up and she can look me up. Fortunately, for both of us, privacy is a key. Neither of us can see too much information on the other. But we both have connections to each other. We’re not stupid. And I know that she spies, wanting to know how “poorly” I’m doing in the world. Minus a slight set back, I think that I’m fending very well.
Lately, I see that Hubby’s upset with me, though he will say that he’s not. It’s the way he acts, although, I think that he’s pretty psyched that I’m cooking dinner and lunch for him. He barely talks to me, I mean, he’ll talk about work, but he won’t talk after that. He just sits there and watches TV. It’s kinda nice, in a way, we’re spending time together, watching movies and laughing. I know that Sunday was fun. We had a tickle fight in the living room. It was the most fun I’ve had in a while. It was a nice change.
I’ve noticed that one day I will have a lot of energy, and the next, I’m really sluggish and tired. I don’t like feeling like this. It’s annoying because I do have things to do, and with being tired, I can’t do everything that I have planned.
I haven’t been journaling either. Just haven’t wanted to.
Other than these things, I’ve been doing really well I think. I’ve been taking my meds regularly, been going outside, completing chores. I’ve been doing well.
Today, I’m good.
I feel good. Better than I’ve felt in a long while, while being at home.
This weekend was great! I was able to relax and enjoy some much needed family time. Relaxing included cleaning the house, loads of laundry, loads of dishes, watching lots of TV, listening to my much missed music (try saying that three times fast!), relaxing with my family! Family included my mom and my other mom this weekend. It was great to spend some time with them. It’s been way too long! I hate having people spend money on me, well I don’t hate it, but it makes me feel weird.
I got new ink! I love tattoos. I think that we have started a new tradition, each year on mom’s birthday, I think that we will be getting new tattoos! I’m very pleased with this one. It’s delicate and beautiful. I love it. Lot’s of line work, I think. And I know where we will be going back to get tattoos.
I’ve been busy today. Although I haven’t been up for very long, I’ve been busy with the laundry. Lots of laundry! I haven’t been feeling well enough to do laundry, so now that I’m feeling better, I’m doing laundry!
I have been thinking a lot about writing, books. Ebooks to be precise. What would you think about that? I’m still trying to figure out what to write about. Any ideas?
Make all the difference.
There are so many things about this world that get overlooked each and every day.
A small child’s smile: It’s beautiful. Their eyes all aglow with excitement and wonder. When you show them something, so simple, like a butterfly, they just light up!
A baby’s laugh: Beautiful and pure. It lifts the weight of the world from your shoulders. I can’t wait to have a baby to hear that laugh every day.
The unconditional love of a dog: Have you ever noticed this about dogs? You can be having the WORST day ever, and that dog comes up to you and loves you, just for you. You could have yelled at that same dog for peeing on your shoes, and she will still come up to you with all the love in her heart and love you completely. I love playing with my dogs, they help with my recovery.
A little kiss on the forehead: It’s like the best thing ever. It’s a high. It means so much for something so little! I love when Hubby kisses me on the forehead. It feels amazing. He pours so much love into such a small gesture.
Sunshine: You never know how much you miss it until you’ve been down on your luck, surrounded by darkness. It’s healing. And I love it.
The little things in life are so often overlooked. But they can make a world of difference. Find the little things and enjoy them.