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Goals

So, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately. Not that this is anything new. But my mind has been wandering towards the future, now, that is new as of late. It means that I am actually considering a future! How cool is that? It’s a new step, one that I’ve taken before, but it’s new as of the last few months.

So, the future. It holds a bunch of promises and mysteries. There are so many ways that the future can go, all influenced by the past and decisions that I make from here on out.

Goals help move this whole process of life along. So, I’m making some goals, or maybe they aren’t going to be goals…Maybe they are…Where was I going with this???

Anyhow, excuse my brain fart, ha ha.

Goals:

  • Get this depression and anxiety under control (continue medications, go back to therapy)
  • Get a confirmed diagnosis, because I want to know what is going on (call clinical psychologist for psych testing)
  • Get more financially stable (pay off bills, continue to go to work)
  • Get back to school (Research Ranger college and their cosmetology program)
  • Socialize more (Go out more often)
  • Get more tattoos (retrieve drawings from Big, save money!)

Yay! Goals! Things will get better. Things will work out, even if I have to give them a little push.

Future Me

Dear me,

I know I’ve written to the past, but I want to look toward the future for a minute. Not many people, that I know of, do this sort of thing. It’s always to the past, never to the future. I want to look toward the future in hopes that I do, indeed, have a future. Read the rest of this entry

Teenage Me

If I could go back in time and write a letter to myself…what on earth would I say?

Hey,

I know this is weird, maybe we’re just dreaming. But I’m you, from the future. Don’t FREAK OUT!

Believe it or not, not much has changed. You’re still the reader and writer that you always were. Are you still with me?

So…Where are we? What year are we reading this so that I know where to begin?

I guess we will start with high school. Because, believe it or not, this is where EVERYTHING starts, as usual. Like a stupid movie about teens, this is where everything happens.

So, ninth grade. Everything is pretty good in this year. But you’re going to have some trouble sleeping. I’m still not sure why. But it happens, so be ready. What you really need to do is go and talk to the counselor. If I remember correctly, she’s an alright kind of person. Go talk to her. Don’t “play a prank” on Preston…It ends you up in the counselor’s office against your will. Don’t do it. You just need to go ask for help.

Tenth grade…You didn’t go ask for help did you? Nope. So, ok…Let’s move on. The summer before your 10th grade year, you move, to a small town of all places. Hun, they don’t have football. But, they have band. Now, be patient because the director is new just like you. The first year is going to be interesting. You’re going to meet a BOY! He’s different, and sweet. But you’re wasting your time. He’s not worth the time or effort. BUT, he introduces you to The Beatles, brass, and the orchestra! But he’s not the one you need to be with. He will end up hurting you, because you let him. Don’t let him…

So, after you and Tyler have your fling and bitch finds out—oh wait, you don’t know who bitch is, well that’s a long story that no one bothered to tell you. You’re adopted. You look like bitch, but you always were Bippie’s. She loves you, and will stand by you through this transition. There’s a reason you share her humor, and the same cough. We could have figured this out. But we didn’t. That’s ok. Just don’t get upset. Now you know. OK? We call her bitch because, she ends up leaving you high and dry. She won’t talk to us, at all, no contact. It’s like you have become invisible. But, be warned, she will tell all of her friends that it’s your fault.–Anyhow, bitch is going to tell you to break up, just like she did with Preston. And, we won’t listen, like usual. But don’t let him hurt you.

You see that strange kid on the bus? The first day of 11th grade. He’s on the first row, he’s weird right? No. Trust me, don’t count him out yet. He’s going to apply to your job, and you’re going to think he’s crazy, but you’re going to like him. Don’t let anyone fool you. You like him, and he likes you too. You should just go with him and leave Tyler alone, completely.

You’re going to get engaged to this wonderful boy. He proposes after prom, and it’s the most romantic thing that has ever happened. Stay with him, and don’t let Tyler fool you–he’s nothing but dirt under your feet. This boy, he’s wonderful. Trust him.

You’re not as far as you would have hoped. Maybe you should give some serious consideration to what you want out of life. Why are you wanting to go to college, and don’t let it just to be to get away from the house. Put some thought into this. Because, not thinking about it, well…That’s why we aren’t in school anymore. Maybe you should go for psych your first time in. You’ve loved it, you could do it!

You’re going to get married young, to this wonderful boy who turns into this wonderful man. Don’t worry about grades, because that’s not what counts, though, it is nice because you graduate top 10!

When you start feeling depressed, go talk to someone. It’s ok. We just need to nip it in the bud before it gets too bad.

Remember that I love you, and you will make it through. Just be patient. Oh, and don’t start cutting. It’s a dumb thing to do and it’s hard to stop.

Love always,

Future me

Dear Children

My dearest children,

I want to share with you something that I think you will need in years to come.

Life is never what it seems. There is never black or white, there are areas of grey and every color imaginable in between. I want you to remember that. Remember that because the world wants you to only see the two shades, and never the spectrum between.

Remember that everyone you see is fighting their own battle. Everyone was given this life because they are strong enough to live it, but there will be times of trial, trouble, and points where they will want to give up. It’s not for you to judge. Believe me, I know how hard that is. There will be people who you can’t stand, but there may be reasons behind it.

No matter what, let your faith be strong. You don’t have to go to church to be a good person. You simply have to KNOW your God, in your heart. He has a relationship with you that will be far above any other. Remember that, and you will be ok.

It’s ok to be different. If we were all the same, the world would be boring. It’s ok if your best friend is gay, bi, curious, atheist, goth, punk, shy, or whatever. It’s ok, and it’s not your place to judge. Be supportive and understanding.

Don’t pick on the ones that are different than you. Don’t be mean to those with special needs, they are just as beautiful as you. Be kind to everyone, even when it’s hard.

Get what you want, but don’t be a bully. Shoot for the stars or the moon. You can be successful when you try. You have your Dad’s ambition, you will be fine. “Shoot for the moon, even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars.”

School is simply that, school. It’s a device to teach children, but they only use one method. You might not learn that way, I don’t, your dad doesn’t. So don’t be too hard on yourself. Learn and try your best, that’s all we can ask. And when I freak out about a bad grade, try to remind me of this. 🙂

You will be beautiful in your own right. You don’t have to be a size zero to be beautiful, the media lies! Remember that. But do try to do something with your hair! You can dress how you want as long as you’re covered. But don’t join a gang, there’s no sense in that.

When you become sad or upset, about anything, come to us. We will figure it out together. There is no sense in holding it in. There is no shame in being upset, it just means that you need a little help, that’s what mommies and daddies are for! We’re here to help. If you feel alone, sad, or down, we’ve been there too. Come talk to me.

READ! I cannot stress that enough. Reading is a wonderful thing. Much better than movies. Reading allows you to live in worlds beyond your greatest imagination! You can soar through the skies on dragons, swim with mermaids, cast spells, save the kingdom! You can’t do that in movies. Your father will disagree, but believe me, you’ll want to read! The places you can go and the things you can see are amazing. Don’t ever give that up.

Your grandmother and I will be your best friend. But, seriously, your grandma will be the best person ever. I’m talking about my Momma. She can’t wait to play with you, she’s already ready to spoil you rotten! Just remember to be a little gentle. She’ll love you, no matter what. Don’t scream or fight, because that will get you on her shit list, and that’s not a happy place to be. She’s a wonderful lady, and you will never forget her. She already loves you, and you aren’t even here yet! Be kind to her. She’s all I got.

Don’t be a brat. Just because you’re young now, and Mommy and Daddy get you things, doesn’t mean this is how it’s going to be forever. You are a kind soul and I expect you to show that. Not to show how much of a little spoiled thing you can be. Brats don’t make many friends, remember that.

When you’re old enough, I hope you go to college. Even if you don’t come out with a degree, go, experience that world. Join a sorority or a fraternity, enjoy! But don’t party too much. Be safe! Use the brain that God gave you. If you find out that college isn’t the place for you, that’s ok, but we’ll do something else. Believe me, you want some kind of career. Don’t expect to come home and live on our couch for free. That’s not happening. OK? We love you, but you’re old enough, you don’t need a babysitter or free ride.

Work for what you have. It makes you appreciate things more. Trust me. When people buy you things, it’s much easier to tear it up vs. when you work for the thing yourself, you cherish it better.

Remember that we will always love you, even when you screw up. Mistakes are part of life. And we will love you every bit of the way. But learn from your mistakes. They are lessons in disguise.

When you are old enough, we will have “the talk”. The one that the older kids may be talking about, the one I never got, but you will get the talk and there will be some questions. That’s ok. But just know that if you get “involved”, there might be some consequences. We just don’t want you hurt, love.

Life is an adventure. Don’t waste it. When you are little, go outside. Enjoy the summer, use your imagination. Don’t stay inside all day playing video games, its killing your imagination. When it’s cold or raining, read a book, color, paint, but don’t waste the day. Enjoy the little things. Enjoy yourselves. Enjoy life, you only get one.

Clean your room. It’s amazing what you will find if you pick things up!

Listen to music. It’s all around you. In the air you breathe, in the trees you see, it’s everywhere. Just listen.

Love with all you have. Your family is the one thing that will never change. Friends, they come and go. Crushes, they don’t last forever. When you find the right one, don’t let them go. Don’t let them slip through your fingers, I almost did. Heartbreaks are real, and we will deal with them when they come.

We’re your cheerleaders and coaches. We’re here for support and making game plans.

We’re always here for you. I cannot stress that enough. We love you. We want you to talk to us when you have a problem. Don’t ever think that we won’t understand, chances are, we’ve been there too. It’s ok to ask questions, and it’s ok to disagree with us. But that doesn’t mean that you have to be afraid to come to us with anything.

Remember that you only get one Mommy and Daddy. So be kind, and remember we love you.

With everything we have. We love you.