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Lost

I am confused. And I am hurting. I feel like everything is falling apart and I don’t know how to put it back together.

The tape and glue only mask everything, and nothing is holding. I don’t know what to do.

I feel like the life that I have built is empty and meaningless and I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know where to turn. I don’t know where to go.

I feel out of control. On the inside I am screaming, pulling my hair, clenching my fists, holding back with every breath. While on the outside, I am collected. I am calm. But I feel anything but calm! I want to scream! I want to cry! I want to fall apart.

I am afraid. And I am confused. And I am hurting.

My stomach hurts. My heart is pounding. My breathing is erratic. I don’t know what to do.

My mind is racing. A million miles an hour in a million directions. No one will tell me what to do.

I don’t think that I am unsafe, but I don’t want to be alone. But I don’t want to be with people either.

What do I do? How do I control this? Running running running and there is nothing that I can do to stop it.

Restless, breathless, hopeless. What do I do?

I don’t understand what’s going on. There are circumstances that I am not prepared for, though I thought that I was. I want to go home, but I can’t stand being at home. I am doing no good here. What do I do?

Where do I turn when things go like this? When I can’t stop long enough to deal with what thoughts are in my head. And there is nothing that I can do. It looks like I’m calm. My fingers racing across the keyboard. Thoughts racing and bouncing around in my head. What am I going to do?

Maybe this is over. Maybe this is my brain telling my heart that this is the end. That I need to pick up and move on while I still can move. Before things get messier and I destroy everything that I have ever aspired to be.

Darkness clouds my thoughts, well I wish it would. Then I would have a moment’s peace. There is no peace. And I don’t know where to turn.

I don’t want to speak ill of things, airing dirty laundry never got me anywhere. But I have to talk to someone. And the one person that I need to talk to is too busy to talk to me. Not only thatĀ  but they could careless. I wish I had that air about me.

I’m vulnerable. I feel wounded. I am lost. And I don’t know how to save myself.

I am anything but fine. And I don’t know what to do.

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I’m tired…

I am tired.

I am tired of being yelled at for doing my job. I am tired of being second guessed, overlooked, overused. I’m tired.

Literally, physically, emotionally, I’m tired. I’m done.

Work is seriously killing me. I actually was ok last night, going up there to work. But before midnight, I was ready to go home.

I get yelled at by nurses, who aren’t my own, for doing my job. See, if you’re a CNA, you are taught, in classes, that you do not leave a resident when you are working with them. Not until you’re done. If you were to leave, mid-job, you leave that resident as a fall risk, it’s a hazard. So, when people page me and ask for help, I don’t mind. I do, however, mind when they expect me to be over there as soon as they call. Believe it or not, I do actually do work while I’m there. I feel like no one believes me, no one seems to think that I’m actually busy from the time I hit the floor until, at least, midnight. I feel like everyone expects me to kiss their asses, when they say jump I’m supposed to ask how high. I mean, this is ridiculous and it can’t happen like this.

When is it that things are going to settle out? I am not a work horse. I do my work, people need to stay out of my way.

A Day in the Life

Work is a major trigger for me. It gets my anxiety to work overtime, all the time. And it really irritates me, which upsets me more. There is so much to do and not enough time to do it. Not to mention that there is no help!
Tonight was a little different. One of the day girls stayed over, til 9, to help me put everyone to bed. It was a huge help. If only I could get help at 5 am, I would be set! Five is when I get the busiest. Having to do a check and change on everyone, answering call lights, and getting people up, that’s a lot to do in two hours. I have 30 residents now. That’s a lot of people for one aide!
There’s a few people that I really can’t stand. I know, I shouldn’t be like that, but there are those that just really get on my nerves. Like tonight, there is one lady who is sick. So what does she do? She whines like a dog. I understand she doesn’t feel good. And maybe she’s in pain. But there is no need for that. It’s just attention seeking. Then there is another lady who waits on her roommate hand and foot. She’ll go as far as getting in your face if she thinks you aren’t taking care of the other.
Then there are the residents that just make me smile. The ones that are appreciative of your hard work, those that try to not bother you, but they are glad you’re there. Those who crack jokes and care about what’s going on with you. They share life stories and just make you feel like all the crap is worth it. Those are the reasons to smile.
My husband, I asked him if he thought I would ever be happy, and he nodded. I asked, why am I not happy now? He simply said, because you’re not trying to be happy. I told him that it’s hard for me to be happy when work triggers things for me. I’m not dealing with stress like I should. He said just find the one thing that makes you smile and try to focus on that. That is just crazy enough to work.
So there’s my thoughts, for the moment at least.

My Mind, Wandering.

I’m trying to find links that I can use in my menu. I want things that will help others, provide support. But I’m having some issues…Mainly because when I need support, I text my friend or call my mom. I also check out certain “support” Facebook pages, so I don’t actually know what links to use.

I’ve been feeling…blahish today… I have to go to work tonight, and I already feel myself getting nervous. I haven’t been to work in a while, well, about a week.

I posted something about dementors and panic attacks. I feel like work is a dementor to me. It takes away all my happiness and leaves nothing but despair. Work, though I love my title and my line of work, causes me to get anxious and stressed. I’m sure that many people have this issue. When I talked to my counselor, I called it “work anxiety”. I think that the biggest problem for me is that I hate where I’m at. I’m beginning to wonder if I will ever overcome this.

I can’t find a professional to talk to, I mean, I have my counselor, but I feel like she isn’t really helping me. And it’s not as though I can quit my job, I need the insurance and the paycheck. But what if this really becomes a problem? More than it already is?

I panicked the last weekend I had to work, that was two weeks ago… It’s becoming a problem… And that isn’t good. I need that paycheck. And it’s not as though I can just talk myself into being ok or getting over it. It’s not that we haven’t tried. That day that I panicked, my husband tried to get me to go. Thankfully, he saw that this wasn’t going to work and quit pushing. What if this keeps happening? I mean, I could lose my job…

My mom, she would be understanding, to a point. I’m sure of that. But it’s like I’ve told her before, that if I didn’t have to work, I wouldn’t. And she told me that the world doesn’t work that way. Well, yea, I know that. But at the rate that I’m going, I feel like not working could be a good thing for me…But I know that the world has other ideas. What path am I going on?

Thankfully, I haven’t thought much about suicide or self harm. The self harm idea is always there. Maybe it’s because I miss the feeling of control. Especially, lately, since everything seems so far out of my control. The only time I ever feel in control of anything is when I’m with my husband. And that feeling only lasts for a little while. Like last night, he knew that I was ok, and then I wasn’t. I hate when that happens. He always asks me if I’m ok. He knows that whatever it is that I’m dealing with is real and it really hurts me.

What if this is why they have programs for people who are bipolar? What if I am bipolar and that’s why I can’t do my job like I need to? Ugh! I hate where my mind goes sometimes. I hope that tonight goes well…