Blog Archives

Explaining Without Explaining

Have you ever done that?

Trying to explain something without explaining it fully, because if you explain fully then you reveal something that you don’t want to?

Example: Tonight, I was talking to a friend, we have a mutual ex…The same ex that pops up when I have an episode… I wanted to tell her, but I didn’t want to give too much away. It kinda shows me how many of my family and friends actually read my blog, which is fine, because I’m not sure that I could live down the humiliation of my family knowing my innermost secrets. Read the rest of this entry


Jealousy is a Bitch

It is. It is a horrible feeling, a horrible beast that most everyone deals with.

I just happen to be jealous of my best friend. Though, I guess we aren’t best friends anymore and haven’t been for some time now. My best friend has the one thing that I haven’t been able to get yet.

The pain in my chest is heavy. It’s very hard to breathe. I can’t feel happiness for her, all I can see is her through the green eyes of a monster.

She’s pregnant.

And, I’m not.

She’s due, next week, I believe. And it’s killing me that I can’t be happy for her.

I remember when she called to tell me her good news. It was November, and my grandmother was in the hospital. She had just been admitted the previous day and Mom and I went to see her. I got a call, but I didn’t pick up, we were busy trying to find the room my grandmother was in. I got a voice mail saying, “hey call me back I have something to tell you.” I pressed the call back button, voicing to my Mom “She better not tell me she’s pregnant.” And, lo and behold, she was.

Devastated was not the word. Or maybe it was. The biggest sadness I had experienced in a very long time. The tears welled up and spilled over before I could stop them. Mom, of course was on my side attempting to comfort me. But, really, what could she say? She tried to be funny, she tried to confirm that it shouldn’t have happened like this, but it did. And what else could she have said?

We’ve been trying for two years, two years. That feels like a lifetime. Don’t get me wrong, we’ve had fun, but I’m ready for the next step.

And my poor husband, he knows that something is wrong, and he presses me until I tell him what’s going on. But it feels so stupid. It’s stupid to feel like this. Or at least that’s how I feel about it. It’s not right that I feel like this.

Have you ever had that Baby syndrome? You know, the one where you see babies everywhere, everyone’s pregnant, even the damn dog is pregnant? I mean, come on! The dog??? It’s frustrating.

And, to my friend, I miss you, and I’m sorry. I wish you the best of luck in your delivery. And I’m sorry that I can’t be more supportive right now.


For my family: everything that I’ve ever kept secret, was to protect you and to protect me. Read the rest of this entry

Musings at 2:30

Today, well yesterday, has been a pretty good day thus far. It started off a little weird because I had to go pay a bill and then go to work.

The closer I get to work, the more anxious I get. I hit the city line and felt my heart start racing, it was getting hard to breathe. I kept thinking, it’s ok. It’ll be ok. But it wasn’t helping. About that time, right before it got really hard to breathe, I passed my friend! One who graduated and moved off. She was in town seeing her fiancĂ©. She called me. We talked a little bit. The distraction helped, a lot.

By the time I got to work, I was very calm. Like nothing was wrong at all. Of course, it helped that I saw that Angel was here at work! Yay! I’m not going to be bullied while she’s here!

Work is going well. I have help for another 30 minutes. I hope that’s enough time. I’m almost done with my documentation, so it’s just two more rounds and answering lights. Hopefully it will be smooth getting people up in the morning.

So, about, what, midnight? Angel is typing up her two weeks notice. That kinda bummed me out. Like I know that it’s good for her to be going onto better places where she will be more comfortable, but I feel left behind. I know it’s selfish, I’m happy for her. But I’m going to miss her. She is my only friend at work, and honestly, she is just bitchy enough to save me from the bullies. She also helps me when I need it or she makes sure that I get some help. I’m glad that she’s getting something better to help her family. But it’s a bum deal for me.

I’m ready for this night to be over now. I’ve eaten lunch, so now I’m cold and tired! I know that when I get back on the floor things will be different. But a girl can always dream!

This weekend should be good, but as always, not long enough. But I think that realizing that this is, literally, all in my head is helping me cope better. It’s not that I hate my job, I hate the situation, and maybe I’m unbalanced. I remember that I’ve been down this road before and that as soon as I get some medication to balance me out, I will be ok.

That’s it right? It’ll be ok.