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My First Fight

I am not a physical person…although, I have been noticing it more as I’ve aged. When it comes to confrontation, I’m more of a scream and yell type of person. But lately, I’ve been known to become physically aggressive.
Take for instance, today’s fight. I went to go get my stuff from the house, since hubby and I are no longer together and he said that he wasn’t going to fight me on anything. Well, he obviously doesn’t remember the not fighting me part. We pull up, and there he is, taking off with his family. They see us, so they turn around.
Its not like hubby to take things lying down, but I thought that he would back down on this. No. He started acting like an ass. I said that I needed in the house, he said it was open. I made a quick walk through of the house and noticed things were already missing. Really? I was upset. So I went outside and asked where the table is. He threw the key to his new place, I assume its the new place, at me and told me “go get it.” His mother, of course, intervened and said that he needs to be nice and that we could do this without a fight. Hubby had other plans I guess…
I remember that I was asking him about things, like the table, and he asked what I was going to take. And I said everything. Cruel? Yea, maybe. But I was under the impression that I wasn’t going to be fought on anything. I had also planned on leaving him the bed, the sleeper sofa, and all of his personal things. Meanwhile, I was going to take the things that I wanted and brought into the marriage. I was out to get my things. Well, again, his mother jumped in saying that I needed to leave him with something. And I said “no! He came in with nothing!” Anyhow! She was upset.
Something happened, and I can’t remember. I know that we were out by his company truck. And we were talking. And I can’t remember what was said. But BIL scoffed at me. So I called him out and it pissed him off. He started screaming “you got something to say?” I didn’t back down, I said “Yea! I got something to say!” Anyhow, after that its a little fuzzy.
I remember that there was yelling and I kept saying “fuck you!” to whoever was yelling at me. I remember that people were getting in my face, and I wasn’t standing for it. I was shoved by Hubby, and I slapped him, he shoved me again. Then BIL got in my face and attacked me. Thinking back, I could have ended the fight by smacking someone in the nuts. But I kept fighting. I know that I was upset about everyone yelling at me and at each other. There were several words that shouldn’t have been said, but they were.

Apparently, I’m a user, as my dear mother in law pointed out. I think that is complete BS because if anyone used anyone it was him using me. He had nothing coming into the marriage, we used my credit for everything. I don’t know. I know that this whole thing is crazy.

I told him when he first started talking about us being separated and getting a divorce, I said, “this is going to get ugly.” He didn’t believe me, and sure enough it got ugly. And I think that it’s only going to get worse.

When I got attacked, I called the cops when I was able to get out. I panicked. It was horrible. I have never had an attack that bad. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t see, my limbs were going numb. It was weird and awful. I couldn’t stand up, I almost threw up and passed out. I sat down and almost couldn’t get back up. My mom had to pull me up and keep me standing. The cop was more on hubby’s side more than he was concerned about my safety.

It’s been a long day, I’m glad that it’s over. Now, to just file and find a place to live….

I Can’t

It’s becoming a more frequent word, especially around here.

I can’t deal with things that make me upset, not because I’m weak, but because I’m not going to deal with it. And it’s easier to say that I can’t than it is to explain to degenerates that I have an illness and your provoking words are only making it worse. So, I quickly grab my headphones and I listen to music, killing my ears. But it’s better than provoking me into saying something that will start a fight that will lead to slamming doors and fists. Read the rest of this entry

Anger

I think that anger is a stupid emotion. There are several stupid emotions, but I really do think this one takes the cake.
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