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My World

There is a song that sticks in my head when I feel alone. It’s called “My World” by Sick Puppies.

This has been a really tough year. It’s only half way over, and I’m already ready to see the next year and hope that it holds better fortune.

My husband and I separated in August of 2013, after almost 3 years of marriage and 5 years in a relationship, he called it quits. At the time, it really hurt. It still hurts. But in hindsight, I saw it coming. I knew that after my hospitalization last year, that our marriage was done. He held on long enough for me to get stable and then he was done. Meanwhile, he got involved with a girl named Tasha, a resident in Hico with a child. Now, he says that there was nothing going on when we were together, but I know that’s a lie. Because I know Justin, and I know how he acts when he has a girl on the side. I’m not an idiot, I see signs. Plus, he moved in with her not even two weeks after he kicked me out. That’s not my point.

We got divorced in March of 2014. Four days after his birthday, to be exact. He got stuck with all the debt that occurred while we were married. He got mad, of course. Threatened me, of course. But now he’s moving on. He posted on his Facebook page about our divorce: “Officially divorced!!! Gonna go get drunk and party tonight! Yee yee!” The comment below, someone said “I’m sorry”. He came back with this: “Dont be sorry. Im finally free from the crazy depressing psychotic suicidal wench that ruined the past 3 years of my life.” It hurt. A lot, when I saw that. It felt like my heart had been ripped out again.

I talked to my case worker today. She’s like a counselor and I can talk to her about anything. I told her all the things that has been going on, and what I had found out about Justin. She asked me if I thought I had a “bad picker”. You know, always picking people who are bad for you. i think it’s something to do with being Borderline. We face abuse at an early age and I think that we mirror that in our relationships. Finding those who are bad for us and abusive in their own way. Justin very rarely laid a hand on me, but he was abusive emotionally, just like Donna was.

That’s another thing, too. Donna, who was my mother for 19 years suddenly up and left me because I started making boundaries for myself. That’s something that we borderlines are bad at. Finding our boundaries to protect ourselves. Finding what we’re willing to deal with versus what we are needing to do without.

Setting boundaries has never been a strong point of mine. And when I do finally set them, things seem to back fire on me. When I set boundaries with Donna, she walked away. When I set boundaries with Justin, he walked away. When I set boundaries with my ex-roommate, she was accusatory and violent – threatening me with the cops. Boundaries are important, and we all need them. To put them up to protect ourselves and our sanity, we have to be strong. And it’s hard when people want to do nothing but tear them down. People often like to push boundaries and break them. That’s why it’s so hard for us to stand firm.

I’ve had a bad run with men. All the men in my life have been abusive in some way, shape, or form. And they’ve all walked away at some point or another. One boyfriend turned out to be gay, one boyfriend raped me, Justin cheated on me while we were engaged and then again while we were married and he walked away, Jay walked away without saying a word. The important people in my life seem to disappear. This is why I don’t have many friends. Because when I let people in, they always let me down.

I may not have many friends, but that doesn’t make me crazy or sad or lonely. My life is full of love from those who are most important to me. And if you think that your words can rock me, they are like the wind blowing the tree. I might shift, but I never break.

Welcome to my world, where everyone I ever need always ends up leaving me alone. Another lesson burned, and I’m drowning in the ashes, kicking, screaming. Welcome to my world.

To You

Dear you,

I know that you will never read this. But if you did, I wanted the chance to clear my chest.

I know that things have been crazy. With us fighting, or not talking, like we have been, it’s hard to determine what’s going on. I think that you should know that I will always love you. I will always want you.

It hurts, more than you obviously would ever know, to let you go. But you’ve wanted this freedom, it seems, for a long time. And who am I to deny you what you want?

I can’t see you suffer anymore, for whatever reason, you were unhappy. And I guess that I never noticed. But, remembering the old times, there was a time that you were happy, and in love. And I miss that love and friendship.

But the person you’ve become, is someone that I can’t remember, someone I don’t recognize. It pains me to see you like this, and I wonder how long you’ve been like this without me knowing, or at least acknowledging it… You’ve been changing for a while, and I think that you, too, have seen the changes. What I mistook for growing closer, you saw as breaking away. So, forgive me for seeing this departure as a bad thing, at first at least.

I can look back on the good times and think of how wonderful our lives were together. How close we were, how happy we seemed. But, deep down, hidden in the shadows of our hearts, there was a sadness and anger. I think that yours boiled out at a bad time, maybe it took a crisis to make it come through, but your monster showed his face. At the same time, my monster growled and clawed at me; instead of embracing it, I ran from it. I thought that, by doing so, we were closer, stronger… I was wrong.

I will never forget you. All the times you made me laugh and love and fall deeper in love with you. I just wonder, now, how much of it was all just a hoax. Did you find what you were looking for? Or is that the reason why you left?

What makes me think it’s over? Clearly, it’s your actions, your words, and the lines that you have crossed. Some of which, are impossible to come back from. I hope that you understand that. I hope you realize that things are over, and will never be the same again.

You have your family to comfort you, as you have chosen them over me for the last time. And I really hope that you are happy with that decision, and the decisions they’ve made for you. You can’t deny that there have been issues in the past, and more recently that prove my position on this.

So, to you, I wish you nothing but happiness. But I really wish that you would realize what you threw away.

I’m sorry that I wasn’t pretty enough, smart enough, career driven enough, or whatever the excuse is, for you. But I am me, and I am still a warrior. This is nothing more than a meaningless task for me to overcome in my effort to become better, for myself and family. I hope you understand that, while sometimes, you will cause me tears, it is not the you that you became, but the precious memories that I will forever hold close to my heart. The you that disappeared before my eyes, the you that I will never see again. And that, truly, is sad.

So, again, to you, happiness and love. But stay away from me, as I cannot see you destroy yourself before my eyes.

Sincerely,

A warrior, wearing no more wedding rings, embracing a new life.

Please Help

This is a reveltively short post. I have a friend that is in need of help. Their family is struggling and could use much love and support. The problem is chronic pain and a way to get relief that is going to cost several thousand dollars. Please help as much as you can. Every dollar helps. Thank you.

Read their story and donate at the link below:

http://gogetfunding.com/project/papa-s-dream-of-a-pain-free-life

Strange Notes

I’ve been doing pretty well today, with a few exceptions of course.

Being around BIL makes me crazy, I just want to punch him, but I resist the urge which makes me begin to panic. Then, I just made this connection, BIL condescends me just like he did, I wonder if that triggers me? I’ve been around him pretty much all day, and I’ve been fairing pretty well.

In the car, we have ants, and it makes me crazy, I feel like I’m covered in them. I start to get paranoid and it makes me panic.

Other than that, I’ve been pretty good. But now, I’m in the car, waiting on Mom to get off work so I can go take a shower at her place. I feel the anxiety raring up. It drives me nuts. I think it’s the town, the chance that I could run into him is pretty high, it’s irritating. It really irritating that I’m still getting triggered after all these years. That and it’s the simple fact that I’m feeling anxiety just over the chance that I might see him. See the problem?

On another note, it is hotter than hell here in Texas. It’s been a decent summer until now.

And another strange note, I’ve been choking today. Like, when I go to drink through a straw, I start choking. And it’s weirding me out!

So, that’s how my day has been going!