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My World

There is a song that sticks in my head when I feel alone. It’s called “My World” by Sick Puppies.

This has been a really tough year. It’s only half way over, and I’m already ready to see the next year and hope that it holds better fortune.

My husband and I separated in August of 2013, after almost 3 years of marriage and 5 years in a relationship, he called it quits. At the time, it really hurt. It still hurts. But in hindsight, I saw it coming. I knew that after my hospitalization last year, that our marriage was done. He held on long enough for me to get stable and then he was done. Meanwhile, he got involved with a girl named Tasha, a resident in Hico with a child. Now, he says that there was nothing going on when we were together, but I know that’s a lie. Because I know Justin, and I know how he acts when he has a girl on the side. I’m not an idiot, I see signs. Plus, he moved in with her not even two weeks after he kicked me out. That’s not my point.

We got divorced in March of 2014. Four days after his birthday, to be exact. He got stuck with all the debt that occurred while we were married. He got mad, of course. Threatened me, of course. But now he’s moving on. He posted on his Facebook page about our divorce: “Officially divorced!!! Gonna go get drunk and party tonight! Yee yee!” The comment below, someone said “I’m sorry”. He came back with this: “Dont be sorry. Im finally free from the crazy depressing psychotic suicidal wench that ruined the past 3 years of my life.” It hurt. A lot, when I saw that. It felt like my heart had been ripped out again.

I talked to my case worker today. She’s like a counselor and I can talk to her about anything. I told her all the things that has been going on, and what I had found out about Justin. She asked me if I thought I had a “bad picker”. You know, always picking people who are bad for you. i think it’s something to do with being Borderline. We face abuse at an early age and I think that we mirror that in our relationships. Finding those who are bad for us and abusive in their own way. Justin very rarely laid a hand on me, but he was abusive emotionally, just like Donna was.

That’s another thing, too. Donna, who was my mother for 19 years suddenly up and left me because I started making boundaries for myself. That’s something that we borderlines are bad at. Finding our boundaries to protect ourselves. Finding what we’re willing to deal with versus what we are needing to do without.

Setting boundaries has never been a strong point of mine. And when I do finally set them, things seem to back fire on me. When I set boundaries with Donna, she walked away. When I set boundaries with Justin, he walked away. When I set boundaries with my ex-roommate, she was accusatory and violent – threatening me with the cops. Boundaries are important, and we all need them. To put them up to protect ourselves and our sanity, we have to be strong. And it’s hard when people want to do nothing but tear them down. People often like to push boundaries and break them. That’s why it’s so hard for us to stand firm.

I’ve had a bad run with men. All the men in my life have been abusive in some way, shape, or form. And they’ve all walked away at some point or another. One boyfriend turned out to be gay, one boyfriend raped me, Justin cheated on me while we were engaged and then again while we were married and he walked away, Jay walked away without saying a word. The important people in my life seem to disappear. This is why I don’t have many friends. Because when I let people in, they always let me down.

I may not have many friends, but that doesn’t make me crazy or sad or lonely. My life is full of love from those who are most important to me. And if you think that your words can rock me, they are like the wind blowing the tree. I might shift, but I never break.

Welcome to my world, where everyone I ever need always ends up leaving me alone. Another lesson burned, and I’m drowning in the ashes, kicking, screaming. Welcome to my world.

You Still Hold My Hand

I wish it weren’t true. But, the truth is, I still miss you.

You are everywhere I look, even when I’m not trying. But when I try, you disappear.

Sometimes, I wish that it never happened. That we never met.

I knew the dream would end, faster than anticipated.

The sad thing is, I miss you. And I wish you missed me too.

Happy 3 Years Baby…

3 years ago, today, I was preparing for a major change in my life. I was taking a chance and making a leap. I was ready to marry my best friend. I knew that no matter what, we would make it, we would be ok. As I got ready, I wondered what he looked like, if he was as nervous as I was. I walked down the aisle, my mom by my side, friends waiting for me at the end, my aunt waiting to perform the big day. My eyes focused on him, tears building. I was ecstatic. I couldn’t wait. As the years flew by, things changed. While my heart was flooded by the thoughts and love of him, his heart had other plans. And now, I wake up to our anniversary alone. His family taking over his life and his heart. He has a new love, while I sit alone picking up the pieces, holding them together with tape and glue. I’m moving on. And I am happy, and I pray that he is too. I miss waking up to him. But I don’t miss the mistrust, the fights, the worry, the harsh words, and a family against us. I asked you before all of this, do you want out, and you said no. And when I asked why did you want to get married in the first place, “I wanted to snatch you up before anyone else did.” Selfish. So I wake up to our anniversary alone, and feel a piece of my heart longing for you, only to know that you don’t feel the same. Merry Christmas, baby. Happy anniversary. May you find love in the arms of someone who cares now…

On and Off Switch

I don’t understnad people who can just switch emotions on and off. I’m not talking about us bipolar people, who switch from depressed to happy or mad. I mean those around us, who we think are there to keep us safe.

I think that it is cruel of those people to take advantage of situations or people who have illnesses. Those who would rather live a lie than face the truth and be adult about things.

I guess, for example, my relationship with my ex-hubby. I don’t understand how he can just simply fall out of love with me, and not even care where that leaves me.

I guess I saw it coming. I know that I asked my aunt like what would happen to me if I wasn’t married. What would I become? I’ve spent 5 years with this individual, granted, it’s not been a long relationship, but it’s the longest I’ve ever had. 5 years, is a long time. I don’t even know who I am by myself.

In relationships, you become more and more like the person you’re with. And if someone tells you that’s not true, they don’t understand or they are too blind to see it. I believe that there are subtle changes that happen over time. It includes the type of music you listen to, the way you wear your hair, the shows you watch, how you speak or form sentences.

I know that when I was with Him, I started listening to the Beatles. A band that I found highly annoying and repulsive, but I started to listen, and found that there were more songs by them that wasn’t annoying. I became more and more like Him.

With hubby, I’ve seen that I listen to a broader spectrum of artists, watch different TV shows – shows that I would never have watched before. I changed, because I became like him. I spent all my time with him, wondering about him, thinking about him. And now, he’s just gone.

I’ve lost my identity. I thought that my identity had been lost to my depression, my anxiety, my PTSD, my bipolar… I never thought that I would be lost in him. And, maybe, I saw some warnings. Like losing my friends, I saw them disappearing, and I was pushing them away. And maybe I knew.

I’m not who I was before. I’m lost because I don’t know who I really am. I don’t have me anymore. And I don’t know where to find me.

Think about it:

I quit school for him. I was in Tarleton, working on my Psychology degree. Granted, I was getting bored… But, maybe that’s because I had wrapped myself in him. I got lost. Anyhow, when we got married, we needed income, and he wasn’t working, so I found a job. It wasn’t enough. We moved, a couple of times before settling in Hico.

I gave up my dreams. I gave up my goals. For him.

All I have now, music, and, thankfully, my family and close friends. But I am utterly alone. I feel alone. I feel lost.

I look at him now, on Facebook…I thought that if I deleted him it wouldn’t tempt me, but I’m attracted to him like a moth to the flame. I look, and I realize that he isn’t hurting. He’s toying with me. And I feel like he’s winning.

It’s painful. I don’t understand what possesses someone to switch on and off like that.

Maybe it’s just me.

But I think that it’s cruel.