Things have changed a lot since the last time I updated the blog. I apologize to my readers for not keeping up, but things around here have been busy and chaotic.
So, in August of 2018, Marcus and I decided to move to Weatherford. We couldn’t find jobs where we were living and decided that it was time to try our luck near the metroplex. Marcus found a job right off the bat. It took me a couple of weeks, but I found something, and it wasn’t all that great so I found something else. A month later, after finding his first job out here, he quit. He said that it was due to his anxiety, which I could definitely understand; I was upset because we were supposed to be saving for our own place. So he quits and the deal was that he was supposed to be looking for a new job to replace the one he just quit. He went on a couple of interviews, filled out some applications.
Fast forward three months, he still doesn’t have a job. During these three months, we started seeing MHMR here in town. He changed medication and started skipping doses and stopped taking it all together. His attitude changed. He became more depressed. He had a passive suicidal episode for two nights in a row. He would ignore me during the day and get mad when I would fall asleep after taking my night medications. Things just got weird. He was rude, lazy — he wouldn’t help around the house, he just sat on the couch on his phone all day, and just weird. This person living with me and my mom wasn’t the man I married. When I would confront him about his behavior he would ignore me. When I would ask him about getting a job, because at this point he wasn’t even trying to look for a job, he would say that he gave me six months. There was a time, two years ago, when I got really sick and had to leave the workforce for a good six months. My mom confronted him one day, and told him he needed to get a job by the first of the year, he was not happy.
The first of the year rolls around, and he still doesn’t have a job. Needless to say, my mom isn’t happy. He’s still not doing anything around the house other than sitting on his phone. He’s not taking care of Rockee or anything. Just sitting on his phone all day. Finally, I get in his face, because I’m tired of the behavior and tell him straight up how it’s going to be. He needs to get a job, stop ignoring me, help around the house, get his stuff together or get out. He looked shocked, but I’d had enough. I couldn’t take walking on eggshells anymore, and I couldn’t take being ignored. And when I wasn’t being ignored, he would gaslight me. When I would say something hurt my feelings or something he would tell me that it didn’t happen that way. Nothing was ever his fault or anything. Like I said, things just got weird. I had enough. So, when I got in his face and everything, the behavior changed for a day. He was pleasant and he was talking more.
A couple of weeks later, things are back to the way they were. He’s trying to get accepted into a trucking school. I have a Saturday off and I have some things to do, like laundry because neither one of us have clothes. He wants to go to his parents’ house because the school needs a W-2 from last year, and it’s in a file cabinet in storage. He told me all week that I didn’t have to go because Saturday was my one day off and he knew I was tired. Well, Saturday comes and he’s asking me if I’m going. I told him no, because I had things to do. And he gets mad because I didn’t want to go. He said “You should want to go!” I told him it wasn’t because I didn’t want to go, it’s just that I had things to do. He took off that night and stayed the night. He was supposed to come back that Monday but he didn’t. When I called him, he said he didn’t know when he would be home. He stayed away for a week and a half and came back when he was supposed to start school. The day he started school, I found profiles on his Instagram that he was following of half naked people. I got really mad, and that was the last straw. I’d had enough. I was done being ignored and bullied when he wasn’t ignoring me. And then to find that? No wonder he was spending so much time on his phone…. So he went to school and I called his parents to pick him up. Worst. Idea. Ever. They called him before I could. He was mad when I did get to talk to him. And I completely understand. So Mom and I packed his stuff. It was waiting for him when he got home. He took off in my car and I didn’t hear from him for a while. His parents started to ignore my calls and everything.
A New Reality
I filed for divorce on February 15. I signed the car over to him so I could get most of my stuff out of storage, so when I move out I’m going to have to start over…again…
We tried to make another go of it. That lasted two weeks. It just felt forced and fake. He still had the same behavior and attitude. And I was apprehensive about the whole thing. Finally, it came time for him to take his CDL test, and I kept asking him what happens when he takes his test. He said that he will go over the road. And I asked what happens to us. He shut me down. He said that I should be supportive. And then he left and I haven’t heard from him since. I thought that maybe I would hear from him when they served him papers, but I didn’t.
This is for the best though. I’m thankful for him and the love he gave me when it was there. I miss him sometimes. But I don’t miss how he treated me. He became a toxic person in my life and people have noticed the difference in me. They say that I’m happier and that I glow when I smile.
The divorce should be done some time next month. I just need to finish paying the fees and we will be done.
To be honest, I haven’t been this happy in a long time. I wish him well, I pray for safe travels for him, and I hope he finds everything that he’s looking for in this life.
3 years ago, today, I was preparing for a major change in my life. I was taking a chance and making a leap. I was ready to marry my best friend. I knew that no matter what, we would make it, we would be ok. As I got ready, I wondered what he looked like, if he was as nervous as I was. I walked down the aisle, my mom by my side, friends waiting for me at the end, my aunt waiting to perform the big day. My eyes focused on him, tears building. I was ecstatic. I couldn’t wait. As the years flew by, things changed. While my heart was flooded by the thoughts and love of him, his heart had other plans. And now, I wake up to our anniversary alone. His family taking over his life and his heart. He has a new love, while I sit alone picking up the pieces, holding them together with tape and glue. I’m moving on. And I am happy, and I pray that he is too. I miss waking up to him. But I don’t miss the mistrust, the fights, the worry, the harsh words, and a family against us. I asked you before all of this, do you want out, and you said no. And when I asked why did you want to get married in the first place, “I wanted to snatch you up before anyone else did.” Selfish. So I wake up to our anniversary alone, and feel a piece of my heart longing for you, only to know that you don’t feel the same. Merry Christmas, baby. Happy anniversary. May you find love in the arms of someone who cares now…
I know that you will never read this. But if you did, I wanted the chance to clear my chest.
I know that things have been crazy. With us fighting, or not talking, like we have been, it’s hard to determine what’s going on. I think that you should know that I will always love you. I will always want you.
It hurts, more than you obviously would ever know, to let you go. But you’ve wanted this freedom, it seems, for a long time. And who am I to deny you what you want?
I can’t see you suffer anymore, for whatever reason, you were unhappy. And I guess that I never noticed. But, remembering the old times, there was a time that you were happy, and in love. And I miss that love and friendship.
But the person you’ve become, is someone that I can’t remember, someone I don’t recognize. It pains me to see you like this, and I wonder how long you’ve been like this without me knowing, or at least acknowledging it… You’ve been changing for a while, and I think that you, too, have seen the changes. What I mistook for growing closer, you saw as breaking away. So, forgive me for seeing this departure as a bad thing, at first at least.
I can look back on the good times and think of how wonderful our lives were together. How close we were, how happy we seemed. But, deep down, hidden in the shadows of our hearts, there was a sadness and anger. I think that yours boiled out at a bad time, maybe it took a crisis to make it come through, but your monster showed his face. At the same time, my monster growled and clawed at me; instead of embracing it, I ran from it. I thought that, by doing so, we were closer, stronger… I was wrong.
I will never forget you. All the times you made me laugh and love and fall deeper in love with you. I just wonder, now, how much of it was all just a hoax. Did you find what you were looking for? Or is that the reason why you left?
What makes me think it’s over? Clearly, it’s your actions, your words, and the lines that you have crossed. Some of which, are impossible to come back from. I hope that you understand that. I hope you realize that things are over, and will never be the same again.
You have your family to comfort you, as you have chosen them over me for the last time. And I really hope that you are happy with that decision, and the decisions they’ve made for you. You can’t deny that there have been issues in the past, and more recently that prove my position on this.
So, to you, I wish you nothing but happiness. But I really wish that you would realize what you threw away.
I’m sorry that I wasn’t pretty enough, smart enough, career driven enough, or whatever the excuse is, for you. But I am me, and I am still a warrior. This is nothing more than a meaningless task for me to overcome in my effort to become better, for myself and family. I hope you understand that, while sometimes, you will cause me tears, it is not the you that you became, but the precious memories that I will forever hold close to my heart. The you that disappeared before my eyes, the you that I will never see again. And that, truly, is sad.
So, again, to you, happiness and love. But stay away from me, as I cannot see you destroy yourself before my eyes.
A warrior, wearing no more wedding rings, embracing a new life.