Okay here we go– every day is a struggle. I know I should live, but I feel like I want to die. To take the burden off of everyone. Everyone would be better off without me here. All I do is cause them pain and make their life harder. I have nightmares.. Things that i relive every single night because of things that happened in my past. I wake up screaming, self harming, covered in sweat and blood some nights.. I feel okay today. But what about tomorrow? Just two days ago I was sitting in my bathroom cutting because me and my girlfriend got into an argument. A stupid argument over nothing, yet I couldn’t bounce back from it. The more I thought about it, the more I dwelled on it, the more I wanted to die. That’s how it happens. The smallest things unbalance me and I’ve lost it. I feel like I’m not enough. I feel like I don’t bring any happiness to anyone. I want to be happy, and I try my damnedest to be. To be with her. To have a happy life with her because she’s amazing. But that black cloud is ALWAYS hanging over my head and it’s always drowning out the happy. I can have a good day… A great day.. And one small thing happens and my entire world is upset, turned upside down. I can’t bounce back from that… Ever. It overtakes me. She’s better off without me. I bear the scars of the strong. Most people think of us as weak but like I said. Every single day is a struggle to live. I can’t seem to have successful relationships, I can’t seem to feel I’m worth anything. I feel useless and like a downright piece of shit who will never amount to anything. But I’m still here. Still breathing. I’ve attempted several times to blow my head off. I’ve threatened to take my life. I know I should feel worth more. I have a beautiful and very supportive girl, two sons and much more. But on those days, in those moments.. Not even that seems to matter. Somehow though I pull through it. Only God knows how.
This was sent to me by anonymous. Thank you for sharing. Things have to get better when they get worse. We’re all in this together.
The one thing I hate about talk about self-harm is that everyone thinks that it’s a suicide attempt. I look at people with their scars and think how brave they are. They are brave because they decided to live.
You live with the self-harm. It’s not the end. It’s a way to cope. It’s not exactly healthy. But it’s how we get through the crappy day or crisis.
I cut, or I used to. I still want to…really badly. But I’ve resisted.
When I have a bad day, I want to cut. When I’m bored, I want to cut. When things get really tough or I get pissed off, I want to cut.
Self-harm isn’t the answer, but it’s not the end.
Keep holding your head up high. WE will get through this.
I am hurt, broken beyond recognition.
I don’t understand what’s happening to me.
The pieces crumble, falling down.
We built a castle, nestled on the sand, beside the ocean.
Ashes, ashes fall all around me.
Burning, everything is burning now.
Our life, our lies. Everything.
When the end came, I tried.
I tried to keep hold of everything.
Dousing the flames of the deceit and pain.
I grab my chest, holding my heart close, as I run.
Broken and shattered.
I ran, ran far away hoping you’d chase me.
Looking over my shoulder, I see that you are but a dot on the horizon.
I see you now, content with a life full of lies.
Contentment based on a freedom, a freedom from me.
I don’t understand.
I can’t pretend.
I miss you, and I will always want you.
But you’ve changed, you’ve faded.
You’re more a memory than a real person,
Pictures on the wall, falling like snow.
Memories faded around the edges, missing pieces
Like a puzzle that will never be solved.
Oh, how I miss the times when we,
King and his queen, loved like no one has ever loved.
But now, I lie on the ground broken, shattered.
Dying, barely breathing.
One day, I will wake up from this.
The nightmare will be over,
But now, all I feel is pain, hurt, and anger.
I’m watching our castle burn to the ground,
All the while, shadows collapse the walls.
Secrets shout like fireworks in the night sky.
One day, you’ll look back.
One day, you’ll miss the view, the castle we built,
The walls that we put up around our love.
One day, you’ll realize you never should have set fire to us.
You never should have shot me.
I lie a lot more than I would hope to.
Every time I get asked if I’m OK, I lie and say yes I am. But I’m not…
I lie to everyone. Including myself sometimes. But the one I can’t lie to is my dog. She knows something is wrong, she’s clinging to me.
I’m not OK. I wish I was. I wish I could explain this feeling of defeat and depression to you. I wish you could understand why, in times like this, I want to cut. But its a scary thought and it’s not a good thing to think about.
Right now, I’ve realized that I am alone. I have one friend that I talk to almost daily. And right now I have that feeling that I want to go home, then I remember that I don’t have a home. I’m living in someone else’s place, its not my own. I don’t have a shelf to put my things, I don’t have a closet for my clothes, hell, my clothes are in baskets and a storage tub.
Pity party? Maybe. But I wish that I could just give up. Because I’m realizing that I am alone.
I wish I could just die. But I can’t. And maybe I don’t really want that. I’m anxious, I feel it all over. I want to cut. I need to. But I can’t.
So much for being stable.