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Changes

The thing about changes… Very few people like them. Add in a mental illness, it makes it that much harder.

I have anxiety, there’s no secret there. So, with my anxiety, changes in my life are hard to deal with. Some are exciting, and I want them to happen. But more times than not, even when I’m excited about the change, it’s harder to deal with than it should be.

When I have to change jobs, it’s hard. Why? Because, while I want the change, my anxiety kicks in. It says things like “what if I made people mad?”  “What if no one likes me?” “What if this is a huge mistake?” “I can’t do this.” It’s hard.

With my anxiety and my personality type, I want to please people. I don’t want to be the cause of those ripples. I don’t want to disappoint people, but especially myself. I think that, in all reality, I place myself last. Point and case, when I left my last job. It was the job that placed me in the hospital, yet I still went back. Why? Because I didn’t want people mad at me. My husband, my mom, the people I work with, they all factor in, even if their opinions aren’t relevant. Like, the people I worked with, while I like them and cherish our friendship, it’s not my problem if they get mad at me, just like when they call in, it’s not my place. But I cared about them enough to try to stick it out, while others might disagree. I did try. I can’t do a job that puts my health in danger and obviously it did.

Now, I’m at a point in my life that I really have to make a decision. And that makes me very upset. I have to choose to move on, or wait. And I don’t know how much more waiting I can do. So I’ve decided to make small steps. The first would be to find a job. I have to find a job and make money so that I can support myself and pay my bills. Yesterday, I had two panic attacks because of this change. I’m already feeling anxious about it just writing this post.

I have a lot going on, not that this is a new fact. While things stay the same, I’m forced to make some changes. And I’m very anxious about them.

I think that people with mental illnesses like depression and anxiety, PTSD or Bipolar, I think that it’s hard for us to make these changes. Even though they could save our life, it’s hard to make the changes necessary. I, personally, like my life to be in some kind of order. And right now, it’s not in any kind of order. I can’t help that. So, I have to fight my anxiety to make my first move toward a long term goal, which is to be happy and secure. Right now, I am anything but secure and that terrifies me. But I think that I will make it through this.

I’ve talked about the anxiety portion, now what about depression? Fighting depression on a daily basis is hard. Add in a major life change, and I think that it just gets that much harder. There are so many things going on during a change that your mind can’t focus on everything. And, I think that changing with depression is just that much harder due to the fact that there is so much anxiety about everything. It’s depressing because you could be losing your security, having to find a new thing that makes you comfortable, and it’s a hard process. There are times that you’re going to want to give up because the change is just too hard to handle right now.

I’m dealing with a lot of change, and with the anxiety it’s hard. But my depression keeps throwing in thoughts that I don’t like. For example, it would be easier to die and give up than it is to move on. But I don’t want to give into those thoughts. Last night, I felt so broken, I just wanted to lie down and never get back up. But I didn’t. I cried a lot. Then, I got up. I didn’t let my brokenness keep me down long enough to give up. I’m fighting. I am going to keep fighting. And you should too.

Anything But

I’m trying to remain calm. I believe that I have gained a lot of my composure back and am able to process complete thoughts.

Today has been a very trying day.  And I don’t know when this trying day is going to end, because it feels as though it will last into eternity. I know that I can end the day by going to sleep, but honestly, when I wake up tomorrow, I’m going to be in the same situation.

For anyone concerned, I’m safe. I feel safe. I might want to break something, but I’m ok. And I’m not in danger of myself. So, I’m safe.

But I feel anything but ok. I am anything but calm.

It’s been a long day. And I hope that tomorrow will be brighter, but honestly, there is a rock in my heart that is pulling it down. There is no way to fix this and I don’t know what my next move is. All I can do is take one day at a time and keep my eyes forward.

I am anything but fine.

 

Nothing Left To Say

There has been a lot of ups and downs in my life. And recently, another huge down reared its ugly head.

Without revealing too much detail, since you’re not supposed to air your dirty laundry for others to see, I have come to realize that letting go isn’t about giving up. It’s realizing that you are the only one that you can control. I can’t control anyone else. I can’t control the actions of others. And I’m not going to try to either.

I realize that you can’t make someone love you when they don’t. You can’t make people treat you the way that you want to be treated. Even if you try over and over to matter to someone, ultimately, it’s up to them to make the decision. And that is a really hard lesson for someone like me to learn. Why? Because all I’ve ever wanted was approval, love, and devotion.

You say, “But Pres, that’s all you’ve ever had.” No it’s not. It’s not because I have never truly felt that. When I was with Bitch, I never felt it. Or maybe I felt it a few times, but unconditional love was never there. There was always something that I had to prove, some hoop that I had to jump through. There was always something. I never was truly, unconditionally loved. Read the rest of this entry