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This is No Time To Panic

THIS IS THE PERFECT TIME TO PANIC!

UGHHHHH! I am so frustrated! I got my paycheck this morning from my previous job, which I apparently left with only 3 hours of work, and I got a whole whopping $4!

Now, it’s crunch time! I am frustrated and panicking this morning. I thought that I would have had more money than this, and in fact, I would have. Had they not taken out my insurance that I thought for sure that I wasn’t getting anymore, I also thought that they would give me my sick time.

So I tried to call them, right? Seeing as how they made an obvious mistake, I should be compensated? No. The person in charge of paychecks is, of course, not there. FUCKKKKKKK.

On another note, I apparently qualify for unemployment…. Unfortunately, they won’t release funds for another week. OF COURSE.

Bad day begins.

GRRR.

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Odd Feelings

I feel off today.

I woke up feeling nervous and on edge. It’s been happening the past couple of days. But, it seems to wear off within a few minutes of being awake. I’ve been up about an hour now and the feeling hasn’t dissipated. I feel nervous for no reason, I’m on the verge of tears for no reason.

I know that this has a lot to do with my depression. It’s part of my down swing. I was doing so well though, being ok, being “normal”. It started really last night, I was at my mom’s and got really depressed for no reason. I continually ask if everyone around me is ok. I feel like everyone is mad at me, though they aren’t, but it feels like it.

But I guess that’s the battle, right? The battle between believing in what you feel vs. what you know?

The Will

I’m sitting here, realizing, “damn, I have a strong will.”

Then I think, “well that’s ridiculous of someone who has a hard time getting out of bed most days to say.”

But in all honesty, I really do think that I have a strong will.

My theory: I haven’t cut in years, though, the thought is ever present in my beautiful, chaotic mind. I have not attempted to take my life, though, on several occasions, I have seriously considered taking all the pills in the med cabinet or drinking all of the alcohol in the fridge. I’ve thought about purposefully wrecking my car on the way to work, or just drowning my sorrows in the bath tub. But I have never actually acted on those ideas.

So, I start to wonder, “why?” Why is it that, though I deal with these overwhelming thoughts daily, I haven’t acted on any of the suggestions? Voices booming in my mind, “Do it! Save yourself the pain!” And yet, I’m still here. Shattered, though I maybe, I haven’t caved in yet. I haven’t given in.

I’m wondering where the strength comes from. Maybe it’s the idea that I would be in trouble. Say that I failed, I would be in trouble with everyone. Then there are those that really don’t understand anyhow, and they would consider having me locked away for good. Hubby, it would kill him, he would probably leave me. Although, I guess if he did, there would be very little holding me back. I mean, there would be the thought of my mom having to bury a child, which would probably kill her, but she would have someone where I would not. Of course, if I were dead I don’t guess that it would really matter would it? That I didn’t have anyone?

Life is so short though. I can’t imagine actually acting out the ideas in my head. Though, some days, they really do seem to be the thing to do. Instead, I sleep. And, I panic in my sleep, but I’m not cutting, or crashing, or drowning.

On the days that I can’t get out of bed, I’m glad that no one can see me. I’m glad that, for those few hours when I’m alone, I’m invisible to the world. I don’t talk or text, I just sleep. I stay under the covers or on the couch staring or crying. I don’t have to go outside, I don’t have to see another soul. I sit and weep or sleep the day away.

Sleeping doesn’t always help my depression. Sometimes, it really hurts. Why? Because I get mad at myself for wasting the day. Which is stupid, I know. But I did, and now I’m upset that I did.

I worry about some of my readers, when I post things like this. I am thankful that someone is reading, but when I go and read your site, I just wonder that if I post this, and you read it, will it trigger something for you? And, that is not my goal at all.

I want to start writing poetry again. I’ve read a few posts that I liked and sounds like something that I would have written. But I haven’t written in years. Why? Because the last time I did landed me in the counselor’s office of my school with my parents. I’m just saying that this would have been the huge sign saying “help me.”

I think that I have finally fixed my site the way I want it. To which, I am ecstatic! Finally! I can stop messing with it, at least for a while.

Hope you all enjoy. I enjoy reading your posts too.

No Title

I realize that I am NOT the most interesting person in the world. Hell, I don’t even find myself interesting anymore.

I look back at my life and see how much of a waste I’ve become. Now, family will argue that it’s not true “Look at all you’ve accomplished.” But there is nothing.

I used to sparkle and shine. Look at the world through wondering eyes. But now all I see is a darkness, all too familiar and friendly. I used to look forward to the future, and now, all I want to do is go to bed.

I wish that I was as successful as those around me. Having been placed in situations that allowed them to flourish, while I, I withered away to this…mess.

I could have finished college, but I shut down. I didn’t see the point. I could have had a degree by now. But I didn’t finish, and I haven’t gone back.

I can look in the mirror and cry. It’s not the me that I used to see. My eyes have grown darker and older. Maybe, much more crazy. They look tired and sad, and sometimes empty. They rarely even laugh or smile, not like before. Before, they were gold, so full of life, now…Not now.

A smile is rare, and when it is there, there’s a chance that it’s not real. A mask, one that I have grown all too accustomed. I’ve been wearing it so long, maybe that’s just who I am.

Where is the me that I used to know. The one who loved with all her heart. The one who laughed at danger and defeated the odds. Now, I would rather just sit on the sofa…

My life isn’t interesting. I work all the time. My work depresses me, brings me down. But some nights are ok. When will it ever even out?

Maybe I’m going to be ok. Maybe I’m not. I miss the joy that was there…I wonder where it went?

The walls close in, darkness is my friend…Maybe I’ll just lie here a little while longer.