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My First Fight

I am not a physical person…although, I have been noticing it more as I’ve aged. When it comes to confrontation, I’m more of a scream and yell type of person. But lately, I’ve been known to become physically aggressive.
Take for instance, today’s fight. I went to go get my stuff from the house, since hubby and I are no longer together and he said that he wasn’t going to fight me on anything. Well, he obviously doesn’t remember the not fighting me part. We pull up, and there he is, taking off with his family. They see us, so they turn around.
Its not like hubby to take things lying down, but I thought that he would back down on this. No. He started acting like an ass. I said that I needed in the house, he said it was open. I made a quick walk through of the house and noticed things were already missing. Really? I was upset. So I went outside and asked where the table is. He threw the key to his new place, I assume its the new place, at me and told me “go get it.” His mother, of course, intervened and said that he needs to be nice and that we could do this without a fight. Hubby had other plans I guess…
I remember that I was asking him about things, like the table, and he asked what I was going to take. And I said everything. Cruel? Yea, maybe. But I was under the impression that I wasn’t going to be fought on anything. I had also planned on leaving him the bed, the sleeper sofa, and all of his personal things. Meanwhile, I was going to take the things that I wanted and brought into the marriage. I was out to get my things. Well, again, his mother jumped in saying that I needed to leave him with something. And I said “no! He came in with nothing!” Anyhow! She was upset.
Something happened, and I can’t remember. I know that we were out by his company truck. And we were talking. And I can’t remember what was said. But BIL scoffed at me. So I called him out and it pissed him off. He started screaming “you got something to say?” I didn’t back down, I said “Yea! I got something to say!” Anyhow, after that its a little fuzzy.
I remember that there was yelling and I kept saying “fuck you!” to whoever was yelling at me. I remember that people were getting in my face, and I wasn’t standing for it. I was shoved by Hubby, and I slapped him, he shoved me again. Then BIL got in my face and attacked me. Thinking back, I could have ended the fight by smacking someone in the nuts. But I kept fighting. I know that I was upset about everyone yelling at me and at each other. There were several words that shouldn’t have been said, but they were.

Apparently, I’m a user, as my dear mother in law pointed out. I think that is complete BS because if anyone used anyone it was him using me. He had nothing coming into the marriage, we used my credit for everything. I don’t know. I know that this whole thing is crazy.

I told him when he first started talking about us being separated and getting a divorce, I said, “this is going to get ugly.” He didn’t believe me, and sure enough it got ugly. And I think that it’s only going to get worse.

When I got attacked, I called the cops when I was able to get out. I panicked. It was horrible. I have never had an attack that bad. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t see, my limbs were going numb. It was weird and awful. I couldn’t stand up, I almost threw up and passed out. I sat down and almost couldn’t get back up. My mom had to pull me up and keep me standing. The cop was more on hubby’s side more than he was concerned about my safety.

It’s been a long day, I’m glad that it’s over. Now, to just file and find a place to live….

Anything But

I’m trying to remain calm. I believe that I have gained a lot of my composure back and am able to process complete thoughts.

Today has been a very trying day.¬† And I don’t know when this trying day is going to end, because it feels as though it will last into eternity. I know that I can end the day by going to sleep, but honestly, when I wake up tomorrow, I’m going to be in the same situation.

For anyone concerned, I’m safe. I feel safe. I might want to break something, but I’m ok. And I’m not in danger of myself. So, I’m safe.

But I feel anything but ok. I am anything but calm.

It’s been a long day. And I hope that tomorrow will be brighter, but honestly, there is a rock in my heart that is pulling it down. There is no way to fix this and I don’t know what my next move is. All I can do is take one day at a time and keep my eyes forward.

I am anything but fine.

 

Lost

I am confused. And I am hurting. I feel like everything is falling apart and I don’t know how to put it back together.

The tape and glue only mask everything, and nothing is holding. I don’t know what to do.

I feel like the life that I have built is empty and meaningless and I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know where to turn. I don’t know where to go.

I feel out of control. On the inside I am screaming, pulling my hair, clenching my fists, holding back with every breath. While on the outside, I am collected. I am calm. But I feel anything but calm! I want to scream! I want to cry! I want to fall apart.

I am afraid. And I am confused. And I am hurting.

My stomach hurts. My heart is pounding. My breathing is erratic. I don’t know what to do.

My mind is racing. A million miles an hour in a million directions. No one will tell me what to do.

I don’t think that I am unsafe, but I don’t want to be alone. But I don’t want to be with people either.

What do I do? How do I control this? Running running running and there is nothing that I can do to stop it.

Restless, breathless, hopeless. What do I do?

I don’t understand what’s going on. There are circumstances that I am not prepared for, though I thought that I was. I want to go home, but I can’t stand being at home. I am doing no good here. What do I do?

Where do I turn when things go like this? When I can’t stop long enough to deal with what thoughts are in my head. And there is nothing that I can do. It looks like I’m calm. My fingers racing across the keyboard. Thoughts racing and bouncing around in my head. What am I going to do?

Maybe this is over. Maybe this is my brain telling my heart that this is the end. That I need to pick up and move on while I still can move. Before things get messier and I destroy everything that I have ever aspired to be.

Darkness clouds my thoughts, well I wish it would. Then I would have a moment’s peace. There is no peace. And I don’t know where to turn.

I don’t want to speak ill of things, airing dirty laundry never got me anywhere. But I have to talk to someone. And the one person that I need to talk to is too busy to talk to me. Not only that¬† but they could careless. I wish I had that air about me.

I’m vulnerable. I feel wounded. I am lost. And I don’t know how to save myself.

I am anything but fine. And I don’t know what to do.