Around the house, around the yard, at work… On my days off it’s a lot worse.
It’s like I can’t relax, I can’t rest. The longer I sit still, the more upset I get. I have to move. I have to do something.
At work, it’s not so bad. There’s plenty to do, so I just stay busy. But when there’s a lull in how busy it should be, I’m moving. Because I can finally sit, for a minute. But the minute ticks by and I have to move.
This weekend should have been fun and relaxing. We went to visit a friend. And I was anxious the whole way up there. When we got there I started pacing. Sitting on the edge of the seat, fidgeting with my hands, pacing again. I finally took an Ativan, it helped a little. I’m having to take them a lot more.
The same thing happened today. More pacing. Another pill, this time I went and took a nap because I just couldn’t handle it.
I go to see the doctor Thursday. So I plan on telling her that I’m more anxious. That I’m having to take my emergency pills almost every day. That my sleeping patterns are still off and that I need some kind of help. Something needs to change. I can’t go around feeling like this all the time.
I’m trying to remain calm. I believe that I have gained a lot of my composure back and am able to process complete thoughts.
Today has been a very trying day. And I don’t know when this trying day is going to end, because it feels as though it will last into eternity. I know that I can end the day by going to sleep, but honestly, when I wake up tomorrow, I’m going to be in the same situation.
For anyone concerned, I’m safe. I feel safe. I might want to break something, but I’m ok. And I’m not in danger of myself. So, I’m safe.
But I feel anything but ok. I am anything but calm.
It’s been a long day. And I hope that tomorrow will be brighter, but honestly, there is a rock in my heart that is pulling it down. There is no way to fix this and I don’t know what my next move is. All I can do is take one day at a time and keep my eyes forward.
I am anything but fine.