Blog Archives

Compulsive

Looking back on my behavior over the past couple of months, and my bank account, I’ve come to realize I’m a compulsive shopper.

I have urges. And even though I can’t afford to go shopping, I have to. I need to go. I need to buy things. I need things, even if I don’t really need them. Even if I literally have no money for them. My bank account can be at $20 and I’ll go buy something for $50, putting us in trouble. And I simply can’t stop myself. Because even after I’ve done that, I still need to shop.

I don’t know if it’s being used as stress relief, you know how people say shopping is cheaper than therapy… I have been stressed lately, struggling with my depression and mania. I know I went shopping when I was manic and spent quite a bit of money. There was a time before that where I spent hundreds of dollars, I can’t even tell you what I bought… I’m a compulsive shopper.

Noticing I have a problem is the first step. I’ve admitted that I have this issue. I’ve told my husband what I’ve done and that I’ve got a problem. That we need to figure out a way for me to stop doing it, to recognize the signs.

I also think that I need therapy. I’m currently trying to find a counselor in my area that will help me, with everything actually.

Do you have a problem with impulsivity it compulsions?

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Sometimes, I just need some time

The way we live today, in this crazy, busy world with crazy schedules it’s hard to find time for yourself. 

Sometimes I just need some time. Time to relax and heal. Time to process. Time to think and breathe. Time to rest and really rest. With my schedule I can’t always get that. 

Today was an instance of overload. I went to my gyno and for news that I didn’t want to hear, it made me angry. Things aren’t happening how I want them to. I thought I would be pregnant by now. And yet there is still no progress there. There’s too many factors that he wants to consider first, things that he wants to work on first before we really start pushing hormones. I understand, logically – the logical side of me can see he’s being a good doctor. But the raw emotional side of me says that I hate him and he’s wasting my time. 

I needed time to process. 

Then I had an anxiety attack, different from a panic attack. 

I needed time to get over that. 

I called into work. They got mad. I felt bad. But I needed time. And then I needed time to get over then getting made at me.

I fell asleep and woke up in a panic attack. Shaking, heart racing, I felt like I was dying. I felt suicidal. The voices in my head saying I deserved to die. 

Marcus talked me through everything. He was calming and helped me take my medicine to calm the voices in my head. We’ve been resting since then. 

I just need time to rest and maybe I’ll be better tomorrow, if not, I just need more time. 

Love You to The Moon & Back

My dearest love,

I miss you. I wish that I was by your side as you’re going through something so profound, something so brave. You’re going through the hardest days you’ve ever had to face, and you’re facing them alone. But, please, know that I’m with you in every way I can be.

I miss you. I miss your smile and your laugh. But those have been missing for a while now. So maybe, when you get home, those will return with you. 

I want you to know how proud I am of you. You’re making progress and taking care of yourself. I’m proud. I’m a proud wife. You’ve been working so hard to take care of everyone and everything, it’s time to take care of you. But I’m proud of you, because what you’re doing is brave. It’s going to make you better and stronger. You’ll look back on this and be thankful for the experience that you’ve gained, the skills that you’ve learned. I’m proud of you.

I know you’re scared. It’s a scary place, a scary time, and you’re alone. But you’re going to be ok. We’ll be ok. You’ll come home soon. You’re so brave, you’re braver than you think. 

I can’t wait til you get home. We’re going to be stronger together. The girls miss you, but not as much as I do. 

You’re brave Babe, braver than anyone I know. And you’re strong. I just need you to hold on a little longer.

I love you to the moon and back. 

Pacing


I’ve started pacing again…

Around the house, around the yard, at work… On my days off it’s a lot worse. 

It’s like I can’t relax, I can’t rest. The longer I sit still, the more upset I get. I have to move. I have to do something. 

At work, it’s not so bad. There’s plenty to do, so I just stay busy. But when there’s a lull in how busy it should be, I’m moving. Because I can finally sit, for a minute. But the minute ticks by and I have to move. 

This weekend should have been fun and relaxing. We went to visit a friend. And I was anxious the whole way up there. When we got there I started pacing.  Sitting on the edge of the seat, fidgeting with my hands, pacing again. I finally took an Ativan, it helped a little. I’m having to take them a lot more. 

The same thing happened today. More pacing. Another pill, this time I went and took a nap because I just couldn’t handle it. 

I go to see the doctor Thursday. So I plan on telling her that I’m more anxious. That I’m having to take my emergency pills almost every day. That my sleeping patterns are still off and that I need some kind of help. Something needs to change. I can’t go around feeling like this all the time.