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Ben made mention that I’m going to have to figure out my triggers…again (I should add, because I’ve done this all before.)

So, I’ve been trying to think of what they are… And now, my question is, what triggered response are you asking about?

Are you asking me to pinpoint what triggers the want to need to hurt myself? The anger? The flashbacks? The depression? Or the manic episodes?

More updates to come…


Career Change

I seriously need a career change. Like badly.

I’ve been noticing that the more I’m at work, the more agitated I become with simple tasks, there is a lot of aggression behind my behaviors or movements, and in my job, you just can’t do that. Is that a run on? Oh, well….

I don’t know what I would do. Because I need the money that this job pays. I have no experience in anything else.

If I could get paid for listening to music, or reading, that would be a dream. But, I can’t. Obviously. And obviously, this CNA thing isn’t working. I don’t want to get in trouble, but I can’t deal with people at my job, whether it be something simple or something more involved. It’s just not working for me.

Sometimes, I have visions in my head that include bashing people’s head against the wall. I catch myself grabbing people who grab me. I want to yell at people.

Um…Yea… I can’t have the job anymore.


I think that anger is a stupid emotion. There are several stupid emotions, but I really do think this one takes the cake.
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Late Nights

I’m tired of working nights. I don’t like the way it makes me feel, or the fact that I’m not home where I belong.

Everyone has to work. Yea, I get that. But that doesn’t mean that I like having to be here. I don’t like having to deal with people. The residents are killing me. And they all know that something is wrong.

Then there are the people I work with that have no idea who I am or what I deal with: “would you just cheer up?” Well, shit! Since you asked so nicely, why don’t I just do that! Seriously thought.

I’m mad tonight, calmer now, but I’ve imagined myself slamming a resident’s head into the wall. All because I just put then in bed and they wanted up already. I hate when they do that! It makes me mad.

Some of the people I deal with think or act like we are their personal servants. I’m sorry, but that is not what I get paid to do. But in all honesty, it is. Because if someone doesn’t like you, they can call state. It’s a huge ordeal. But we aren’t here to serve the residents. We’re here to help not serve. I am not a servant.

I’ve thought about continuing in the nursing field. Getting my medication aide certification. I could do it. If I really tried. I’ve almost been here a year now. Never would have thought that I would make it.

I need a change though. I’m tired of late nights being too stressful, and then having too much time to think of ways to hurt someone.