Self Care

Self care is an important issue when dealing when mental health. It’s one of those things we seem to neglect some times, especially when we are in a low swing. 

Here are some tips to help with self care:

1. Be sure to get some sleep: It’s hard to do when you’re having an episode of mania or when you work a crazy schedule. But your body needs sleep. It’s how you process information and your body restores systems. Try to schedule it to where you can get at least 7-8 hours of sleep a night. If you are having trouble sleeping, you may want to talk to your doctor and let them know that you aren’t getting enough sleep at night and discuss a good course of action. My doctor was kind enough to prescribe a sleep aid for me. Some times, I still don’t get enough sleep, but that’s my own fault for being a night owl.

2. Drink plenty of water: Water is great for the body! I’m not going to ask you to drink a gallon of water a day, but you do need to drink more than 8 oz of water a day. Your body needs water, considering you are mostly water. Daily activity drains you of water. And drinking a soda does not count as water. Drink up!

3. Make sure you eat: Believe it or not, breakfast is important, though I usually skip breakfast because I’m running out the door in the morning. But your body needs food. And when you’re manic, you might not notice that you’re not eating. Please try to remember to eat at least 3 meals a day. Maybe have a light snack in between meals, something healthy? 

4. Listen to your body: This can be as simple as “I’m hungry” or “I’m tired”. If you need to take a nap, find the time to take one, and if you need to eat, find something to eat. Your body knows what it needs you just have to listen to it.

5. Make a wellness toolbox: A wellness toolbox can look like anything. Most people have a box with a few of their favorite things in it. Some have a journal and pen, music, a favorite book, a stuffed animal, it can really be anything. But it’s like something that will help cheer you up.

6. Take a shower: Even on the days that you don’t want to get out of bed, getting up and taking a shower can do wonders for you. Yes, it requires some energy, and it may take some coaxing, but you can do it, and you will feel better. 

7. Go for a walk: If the weather is nice, go for a walk, especially on sunny days. Your body will thank you for the sunshine. It gets your body moving and your heart pumping. 

8. Call a friend: Sometimes it’s nice just to hear someone else’s voice other than your own. Plus, it’s a great way to catch up. 

9. Play with a furry friend: Dogs and cats have been shown to reduce depression. If you have a pet, play with them or simply take some time to pet them. It makes them feel good and you too.

10. Journal: Journals are great tools. They can be set up in any way, shape, or form. They can be scattered thoughts, or bullet journals with concise lists. A journal is for your own thoughts on the day, on something that is bothering you, maybe some poetry, anything you want. 

Hopefully, some of these tips help. Keep your chin up!

Closed Door

So, from the past two posts, you can tell that I tried opening the door to a relationship with my legal mother. As expected, it didn’t go well. 

For the first couple of weeks, it was great. We tried to catch up. But, like I said in my last post, it was awkward. Things with her felt forced. Well, I guess now I don’t have to worry about it.

I tried to take a break from it, to see what I wanted to do. I wasn’t sure what I wanted out of the relationship. Did I really want to drag myself down the rabbit hole again? Trying to please this woman is damn near impossible, or at least it was when I was growing up. It felt like nothing I did ever made her happy, you know? Straight a’s in school weren’t good enough, working full time in high school wasn’t good enough, doing extra cirriculars wasn’t good enough, the kitchen wasn’t cleaned good enough. It just felt like nothing I ever did was enough for her. And it’s sad really. I don’t think that I was a bad kid. I didn’t do the things that you see on the movies, where kids sneek out and go to parties, drink and do drugs, get pregnant. I was on the honor roll, National Honors Society, student counsil at one point. I mean, I did what I was supposed to do. 

So, when things went crazy, that’s when I started to veer off the path. When Donna tried to kill herself back in 2010 and had to be hospitalized, I started drinking. I started smoking cigarettes. And while she was there, that’s when I found out that she had legally adopted me. I had visited with her every day the first week she was there. I missed a week of school so I could be there. I missed all my classes (I was in college at that point) for a week, just so I could be with her, supporting her. But then, they moved her to the state hospital, and that’s a four hour drive from my dorm. And I had to get back to class. I didn’t visit, but I called every day, until they switched units and no one told me how to get ahold of her. I did go to see her one time, it was after I found out about the adoption. I remember her being mad that I found out, she was screaming. She told me to get out. 

No matter how many times I keep trying to tell her that things never had to change, she’s the one who keeps changing them. Maybe because she doesn’t like that I’m stronger willed than she anticipated. I don’t bow to anyone anymore. Certainly not her. When she got home from the hospital, she slammed the door in my face and threatened to call the cops on me. I’ve tried reaching out to her since then, but we always come back to this issue here. The adoption and the fact that I found out. 

The last time I reached out to her, we talked for a few days and it blew up in my face. I crumpled a little. This time, I’m not crumpling. I expected it. I anticipated the fall out, I knew it was coming before it happened. Now, well now I’m just mad. 

I’m mad that I put myself out there again. I knew that nothing was going to come of this, yet I got my hopes up that things would be different this time around. That enough time had passed and she had changed. But she’s really just the same. 

This time, she said that I have no respect for her. And to be quite honest. I don’t. I can’t respect someone who walked out on me like she did. I was trying to have a relationship with her, trying to love her again. I was willing to let go of everything and start over for us. But that’s not going to happen.

She lives in a world that she has created. She believes every lie she has ever told. She believes that I was told things about her, instead of what I have experienced with her. I guess she forgot that I grew up with her. She wants to control who I have in my life, and I’m not about to have that happen again. 

Things just got out of hand again. Did I say some mean things, yes. But it was the truth. And some times the truth can hurt. I know when I’ve been told the truth about me, my actions, some of those truths hurt. 

I just wanted to try to have a relationship. I opened a door so that, in the event that something bad happens to her, I would have the closure I needed. But it blew up in my face. And she has the audacity to say that she feels sorry for me! 

I’m not trying to get any sympathy or anything, just simply venting at this point. I told her at the beginning, this was the last time I would try to have a relationship with her. Because there’s no point. If she closes the door again, I’m not wasting anymore of my time. And she closed the door. She runs away from problems, like I used to do. 

In all honesty, I hope that she gets help, because she needs therapy. I had hoped that we could get a relationship off the ground, a genuine relationship. But I’m not going to be told what I can and can’t do, who I can and can’t love. I’m an adult, not some small child that you can bully into doing what you want with guilt (her favorite trick). 

I wish it wasn’t going to be this way. But I feel like, I tried, it failed. My message was delievered. Whether she accepts that message is up to her.

Sorry, readers for the long bitchy post. 

Conflicting Emotions

So, remember when I told you I was talking to my legal mother again and I was happy about it? Now, I’m not so sure.

There are so many emotions going on, I’m not so sure what I’m feeling.

I’m happy that we’re talking again. It feels like we’ve picked up missing pieces and are having a nice time catching up. I have missed her… So I should be happy, right?

But I feel like I have to be guarded too, because I don’t want to get hurt again. Because I know how she’s been in the past, I don’t want to be manipulated… I don’t want her to walk out of my life again, and I guess I’m preparing myself for her departure. I feel like, if/when she leaves I might be crushed again, even though I’m telling myself that I don’t need her and that I haven’t needed her for the past 7 years. So I should be prepared for her to walk away.

I feel like she’s pushing me to do things that I’m not ready for yet…. Like she wants to come see me. I don’t want her to know where I live. I’m not ready for her to know where I live. She knows the area that I live in, but not my address. If we were to see each other, I would want to meet somewhere that’s neutral or something. And she wants me, so badly, to call her mom. And, really, she’s not my mom. I mean, legally, yes, she is. But in my heart… No. She hasn’t been my mom. She lost the title when she literally slammed the door in my face so long ago. Even when I had reached out to her years ago, she kept shutting me out, and didn’t want to have anything to do with me. So, no, she’s not my mom. My Momma is a strong woman who’s been with me my entire life and didn’t leave me when things got hard. She has helped me keep going when my life got hard, stood by me during my divorce, and walked me down the aisle to the man of my dreams. That’s my mom. Donna, my legal mother…. Is just that…. She’s just legally my mother… And anyone can be a mother. It takes great strength and patience and LOVE to be a mom.

I feel bad for not wanting to call her mom. I do. But then by talking to her, I feel like I’m betraying my mom! The one who’s been there with me through everything. And I’ve talked with my mom about this, she said that I’m fine. She wants me to have a relationship with Donna, because she’s always wanted me to have a relationship with Donna. Things never should have changed when I found out I was adopted. I was just supposed to have two moms, you know how cool is that? To find out that one of your best friends happens to be your biological mother? Yes, I was mad about the fact that it was kept a secret. But I was going to have two moms. But now, I have the best mom in the world. But this new relationship with Donna makes me feel like I’m straining everything, and it’s barely a week old.

I told Donna that I forgave her. Which was the entire point of this venture, to let her know that I forgive her for everything that happened and that I don’t hate her. She has cancer and I still don’t know if she is going to die or not… So I wanted her to know that, at least. I never expected to get a response, let alone have a conversation with her. Or video chat with her. But it’s going so fast and I don’t know how to slow it down. I don’t do slow, I go at 100 mph!

Maybe this whole thing was a mistake, because now, I just feel so confused, I don’t know what to do with it. I feel like I brought home a new puppy and I’m face palming and saying “now what?” Because I really don’t know what to do with this. I don’t know if I want a relationship, I didn’t expect one. I had hoped for one, but now…. Now, I’m not sure.

I’m afraid. Afraid of being hurt, afraid of making her angry. All the fears from my childhood are rearing their ugly heads and I’m scared. I’m an adult. But I don’t know how to act around her. I still tiptoe around the conversation. But having a conversation with her makes her happy. Am I doomed to repeat the last 19 years of my life with her if I continue down this path? Tiptoeing around subjects, hoping not to piss her off? I mean, I planned on setting boundaries. But now that I’ve stepped back for a moment, I see that my boundaries are simply me avoiding subjects!

Then, she acts like we had this perfect relationship when I was younger. Our relationship was stormy, at best when I was younger. I think the best time we ever has was when I was 5. And then it got a little better when I went off to college, but she acts like there was never anything wrong. Like she did nothing wrong. And she tried to blame Mom for everything that happened. And she was still mad that I found out about the adoption? So I countered, I mean, I was bound to find out anyway, the ENTIRE WORLD KNEW BUT ME!

I just don’t know how to handle this one. I got myself in a pickle this time. I want to have a relationship, but at the same time I want to sabotage the whole thing so I don’t have to talk to her to save myself the heartache. What do I do? I’m so confused.


Feeling Good

Today I’m feeling good. I’m feeling much better actually. 

I finally got some sleep last night and today I don’t feel so anxious. Yesterday I was a nervous wreck. I couldn’t keep calm to save my life. But today, today I feel good. 

So good, I’ve been talking to my legal mother. We’ve been talking pretty much all morning. It’s been a really long time since we talked, I think I said that in the last post. But it’s good. It’s good to talk to her. It feels good to talk to her. 

I’m still guarded. I feel like I should be cautious because there’s a lot of hurt there and I don’t want to end up hurt again, but I enjoy talking to her. Maybe we can have a relationship again. 

But it feels good to sleep and not have anxiety clawing at me like it was yesterday. I’m doing the laundry today and cooking lunch for my hubby. So, feeling good and getting things done. These are good things. 

Hope everyone has a great day.