Category Archives: Life
My life bothers me a lot.
There’s too much stress, too much frustration, too much, too much.
That being said, I don’t want my life to end. Some times I just want it to slow down.
I want to go back. All the way back. Rewrite some things and see where the path would change. But I know that, if that were possible, I wouldn’t have the family I do now.
I wish I could erase parts of my life. The parts that bother me the most.
I wish I could forget my childhood, not the good memories, just the bad ones. All the fighting, the harsh words, the emotional distress. Keep the good, erase the bad.
I wish I could forget Donna and all she did or didn’t do for me. All the times I wasn’t good enough for her. The pain she still causes me. I wish I could forget her, because I’m afraid to turn out to be just like her. But knowing her, how she is and what she does, makes me a better person. It’s a lesson in parenting I will never forget.
I wish I never married the first time. I lost a great opportunity when I did it, for what? A jerk who didn’t care about me or my feelings. I feel like spoiled goods for my husband now.
I wish I could take it all back. Retry my life and still end up with the love of my life. But I know that there is a plan bigger than me and that everything happened the way it was supposed to. Because if it didn’t, I wouldn’t have my soulmate. I wouldn’t be an advocate. I am where I am needed for now.
Things are going to change. I have goals now for my life and career. I just have to keep going.
Looking back on my behavior over the past couple of months, and my bank account, I’ve come to realize I’m a compulsive shopper.
I have urges. And even though I can’t afford to go shopping, I have to. I need to go. I need to buy things. I need things, even if I don’t really need them. Even if I literally have no money for them. My bank account can be at $20 and I’ll go buy something for $50, putting us in trouble. And I simply can’t stop myself. Because even after I’ve done that, I still need to shop.
I don’t know if it’s being used as stress relief, you know how people say shopping is cheaper than therapy… I have been stressed lately, struggling with my depression and mania. I know I went shopping when I was manic and spent quite a bit of money. There was a time before that where I spent hundreds of dollars, I can’t even tell you what I bought… I’m a compulsive shopper.
Noticing I have a problem is the first step. I’ve admitted that I have this issue. I’ve told my husband what I’ve done and that I’ve got a problem. That we need to figure out a way for me to stop doing it, to recognize the signs.
I also think that I need therapy. I’m currently trying to find a counselor in my area that will help me, with everything actually.
Do you have a problem with impulsivity it compulsions?
The last time I blogged, I was manic, I was on top of the world.
Then came the crash.
They say the higher you go, the lower you fall, well I believe it. I crashed hard.
I’ve been noticing some things about myself lately, that I really don’t like. And I’ve come to realize that my self care has taken a backseat to everything. There are other things, little things, like not watching what I say before I speak, or not eating properly. But the self care, that’s a big red flag that needs to be addressed. It shows me that I’m getting bad again.
I’ve noticed that my depression makes me not care. I couldn’t careless that I haven’t showered in a week. Meaning that I, literally, stink; my hair is an oily, greasy mess that hasn’t been brushed in days; my face is oily and dirty. I don’t remember the last time I brushed my teeth or put on deodorant. I’m just going through the motions of making it through the day.
I’ve noticed that I was doing these things even while I was having my manic episode, but I think I showered that day, I can’t honestly remember.
I know that I’m not eating like I’m supposed to, if I even eat at all. I’m surviving on caffeine and water. But not enough water at that. Because I simply don’t care to take enough care of myself.
I’ve been so busy working, or trying to work – as I haven’t been doing a fair job at my job, just enough to keep up appearances – and trying to take care of everyone else that I don’t care what happens to me. I’m not suicidal or anything like that. I simply don’t care.
When you get to this point, you have to start caring, which is hard. But no one is going to take care of you but you. And you can’t care of others if you don’t take care of yourself. So I’m starting to try again. Picking myself up, dusting off everything and trying again. Because I’m a caregiver to many, it’s my job, but it’s also my reality. And I know that I can’t pour from an empty cup.
So if that means that I have to take an hour for myself, to center and refocus, I’m going to have to start doing it. And I’m going to have to start showering again, because this has gone on long enough.
If you’re at this point, I want you to know, it’s ok. But you need to take care of yourself. It’s one of the hardest things to do, especially if you’re taking care of others. But you matter, and that means you have to matter to yourself too. Get up, get showered, brush your teeth and your hair, meet the day. Or just sit out in the sun for a bit. Take the time to recenter yourself, meditate, read, relax. But come back to self care. Realize that you’re not alone in this fight, and many others are going through the same exact thing you are. It’s ok. And you’re going to be ok.
With peace and love.
Today we celebrated our second wedding anniversary.
It’s been a crazy two years of marriage. I didn’t think it would be like this.
We met in college. A little college, that is growing in students now, in Stephenville. It was 2010. And I liked him, but I was with someone else at the time. Had I known what waited for me there, I would have chosen him then and there. But life, life has other plans. We went our separate ways and lost touch for a long time.
It wasn’t until I started this blog and the Facebook page that we reconnected. He found my page and liked it. Eventually he messaged me and we started talking again.
Our first date was on July 18, 2014. We went to San Antonio to watch DCI at the alamodome. I remember asking “what are we?”
After that, we were together long distance. We made plans to move in together and it happened.
It was rough the first few months, I’ll admit. We were learning to live together, both of us independent and set in our ways.
He had never seen the ugly side of my disorder, very few people did. Sometimes it came out, and he was there, always there for me.
We decided that, if we could put up with each other and our differences and quirks we wanted to get married. We were in love. We were close to each other, there for each other.
We got married on September 19, 2015. It was a beautiful little ceremony. My veil got stuck in the door as I came in. He surprised me with wearing a tux! He was so handsome. I was so nervous! He talked to me the whole ceremony to make sure I didn’t freak out, because I was on the verge of a panic attack. He was sick with pneumonia, but he was able to enjoy our wedding. It was beautiful.
Since then, things have been chaotic. He’s been sick with something that doctors aren’t sure what it is. The neurologist just said “we’re going to call it Upper Motor Neuron Disease, but I don’t think that’s what it is.” We’ve been in and out of hospitals trying to treat it, seeing doctors from all over the place trying to get a proper diagnosis.
My mental health hasn’t always been that great. I will cycle from being ok and stable to being suicidal with a plan in just a few minutes time. And when I go that low it’s hard for me to come out, but he’s always there for me. I’m more stable now. I still cycle, but I feel better. And he’s still there for me.
I had the opportunity to be there for him recently. It got so bad that we had to go inpatient. But he’s better now.
The point is, two years ago, I has no idea life would throw so many challenges our way. But because of those challenges, we are closer than ever. I’ve never been this close to anyone in my life, other than my mom. I can tell him anything and everything. And when we get upset with each other we talk about it instead of letting it fester. He’s my best friend and my soul mate. I don’t want anyone else but him. If I had the chance to choose him again, I would do it in a heartbeat.
He’s my favorite person and the one I want to spend all my time with, and it hard to be apart (yes, I know my BPD is showing.)
Two years and we have 3 dogs and 1 cat, we have a home that we are restoring, we have a plan for what to do with that home. We have a lot going on but we’re together and stronger than ever.
I love you baby. Happy 2 years with many more to come!