So, remember when I told you I was talking to my legal mother again and I was happy about it? Now, I’m not so sure.
There are so many emotions going on, I’m not so sure what I’m feeling.
I’m happy that we’re talking again. It feels like we’ve picked up missing pieces and are having a nice time catching up. I have missed her… So I should be happy, right?
But I feel like I have to be guarded too, because I don’t want to get hurt again. Because I know how she’s been in the past, I don’t want to be manipulated… I don’t want her to walk out of my life again, and I guess I’m preparing myself for her departure. I feel like, if/when she leaves I might be crushed again, even though I’m telling myself that I don’t need her and that I haven’t needed her for the past 7 years. So I should be prepared for her to walk away.
I feel like she’s pushing me to do things that I’m not ready for yet…. Like she wants to come see me. I don’t want her to know where I live. I’m not ready for her to know where I live. She knows the area that I live in, but not my address. If we were to see each other, I would want to meet somewhere that’s neutral or something. And she wants me, so badly, to call her mom. And, really, she’s not my mom. I mean, legally, yes, she is. But in my heart… No. She hasn’t been my mom. She lost the title when she literally slammed the door in my face so long ago. Even when I had reached out to her years ago, she kept shutting me out, and didn’t want to have anything to do with me. So, no, she’s not my mom. My Momma is a strong woman who’s been with me my entire life and didn’t leave me when things got hard. She has helped me keep going when my life got hard, stood by me during my divorce, and walked me down the aisle to the man of my dreams. That’s my mom. Donna, my legal mother…. Is just that…. She’s just legally my mother… And anyone can be a mother. It takes great strength and patience and LOVE to be a mom.
I feel bad for not wanting to call her mom. I do. But then by talking to her, I feel like I’m betraying my mom! The one who’s been there with me through everything. And I’ve talked with my mom about this, she said that I’m fine. She wants me to have a relationship with Donna, because she’s always wanted me to have a relationship with Donna. Things never should have changed when I found out I was adopted. I was just supposed to have two moms, you know how cool is that? To find out that one of your best friends happens to be your biological mother? Yes, I was mad about the fact that it was kept a secret. But I was going to have two moms. But now, I have the best mom in the world. But this new relationship with Donna makes me feel like I’m straining everything, and it’s barely a week old.
I told Donna that I forgave her. Which was the entire point of this venture, to let her know that I forgive her for everything that happened and that I don’t hate her. She has cancer and I still don’t know if she is going to die or not… So I wanted her to know that, at least. I never expected to get a response, let alone have a conversation with her. Or video chat with her. But it’s going so fast and I don’t know how to slow it down. I don’t do slow, I go at 100 mph!
Maybe this whole thing was a mistake, because now, I just feel so confused, I don’t know what to do with it. I feel like I brought home a new puppy and I’m face palming and saying “now what?” Because I really don’t know what to do with this. I don’t know if I want a relationship, I didn’t expect one. I had hoped for one, but now…. Now, I’m not sure.
I’m afraid. Afraid of being hurt, afraid of making her angry. All the fears from my childhood are rearing their ugly heads and I’m scared. I’m an adult. But I don’t know how to act around her. I still tiptoe around the conversation. But having a conversation with her makes her happy. Am I doomed to repeat the last 19 years of my life with her if I continue down this path? Tiptoeing around subjects, hoping not to piss her off? I mean, I planned on setting boundaries. But now that I’ve stepped back for a moment, I see that my boundaries are simply me avoiding subjects!
Then, she acts like we had this perfect relationship when I was younger. Our relationship was stormy, at best when I was younger. I think the best time we ever has was when I was 5. And then it got a little better when I went off to college, but she acts like there was never anything wrong. Like she did nothing wrong. And she tried to blame Mom for everything that happened. And she was still mad that I found out about the adoption? So I countered, I mean, I was bound to find out anyway, the ENTIRE WORLD KNEW BUT ME!
I just don’t know how to handle this one. I got myself in a pickle this time. I want to have a relationship, but at the same time I want to sabotage the whole thing so I don’t have to talk to her to save myself the heartache. What do I do? I’m so confused.