We’ve Come A Long Way
There’s been so much going on lately that I should have plenty to blog about, I just keep having a hard time writing it down.
Maybe that’s a good thing. Because when I look over what I did in the past, I see how depressed I was, and while I’m in a down swing right now, I can say that I’m still not as bad as I was. Which leads me to believe that I don’t have to blog every day like I used to. But I wish that I could blog every day. I want to be a blogger, I just don’t have the focus to continue to talk about things.
I was looking over some of my past posts and realized just how far I’ve come in just three years. And it’s crazy to think that everything really came crashing down then. Three years ago was my pheonix moment. My rebirth, my rising from the ashes. And, if I’m going to be honest, I’m proud of how far I’ve come.
I’m not where I want to be yet. I still have a ton of things that I want to work on. I want to get out of the depression. I want to manage my anger better. I want a family and I want to be happy. But I’m so much better than where I was.
Three years ago, I was hospitalized for suicidal thoughts. I was there for a week while they adjusted my medications and diagnosed me with Major depression, PTSD, and generalized anxiety. Shortly after I got home, I was kicked out my home. I got divorced. I started seeing new doctors. It was a rough time with several ups and down, as recovery isn’t a straight line.
During recovery, there is no straight path. Recovery, people like to think that the line just goes straight up from the darkest, lowest point, but it doesn’t. It might start at rock bottom, but with mental illness, it can go up and right back down again. The key is to not stay there, you have to get back up and keep going. And that’s one of the hardest things to do. I know it was hard for me. There were many times that I just wanted to stop. Many times that I just wanted to sit there and wallow in my anguish, sit in the darkness and just quit. But some how, for whatever reason, I kept getting back up.
I have found someone who loves me. Someone who sits with me in the darkness and walks with me on the good days. He helps keep me grounded when I’m manic. He understands that my recovery is everything and pushes me when I need a push, but backs off when I’ve had enough. That’s something that means everything to me. We have goals. And he wants to see me succeed. We push each other, because we understand each other. And I think that’s amazing. The first year of marriage is supposed to be the hardest, and life has given us a whirlwind of a year. Crazy things have gone on, but we are still together and still going strong.
I’m not where I want to be yet, but I’ve come a long way from where I was.