Monthly Archives: April 2016


Ben made mention that I’m going to have to figure out my triggers…again (I should add, because I’ve done this all before.)

So, I’ve been trying to think of what they are… And now, my question is, what triggered response are you asking about?

Are you asking me to pinpoint what triggers the want to need to hurt myself? The anger? The flashbacks? The depression? Or the manic episodes?

More updates to come…


New New New

It’s been a while since I’ve posted. And all I can do at this point is apologize… I’ve been busy and haven’t really thought about making a post.

My husband and I made a move to a new town, which is in a new county, which means a new MHMR program. This means NEW, NEW, NEW.

New doctors. New recovery plans. New medications. New treatments. New case managers. New, new, new.

The new clinic is fine. It’s an old post office that has been refurbished into a clinical setting. It was unsettling the first time, but compared to the last place, it’s a step up. The people there are nice; although the ladies don’t really know what they are talking about. And, bless the lady at the front desk, she really doesn’t have a clue as to what goes on or how anything works in her own clinic… The financial coordinator seemed to know what she was talking about until she messed up when she was talking about the insurance — stating that once the insurance begins to pay at 100% that I will be paying the clinic the mapped payments – that’s not how insurance works, honey, but it was a nice try. But that doesn’t matter anymore, my insurance has been termed.

New treatment plan. I had to be evaluated. And the only way to do that was to set up an appointment with a counselor who is in Big Springs via Telemed. She was nice. She listened. But, she took some liberties — like saying that I was recently hospitalized (within the last two years, when I was in fact hospitalized back in July of 2013). But, she was nice and was able to get me into the program to be seen by the doctor, I would have medication therapy, skills training (because who doesn’t love that!?), and something else.

New doctor. The new doctor is pretty great. Again, it’s a telemed guy, which isn’t exactly how I like to see my doc. I would rather have someone face to face. But, he seems to be pretty knowledgable. He kinda has a Dr. Phil feel to him, the tone of voice, which is slightly annoying, but nothing too upsetting. He asks me who am I angry at… Well,  I guess if I knew that I wouldn’t need you? Right? Besides, I don’t feel angry at anyone, some times, I just get mad.

He asks me all the right things, the history, the diagnosises that I have been labeled with, we don’t get into anything too deep. I guess because it’s our first meeting? And I guess that’s what the therapists are for. Anyhow, he wants me to take my Seroquel and the Topamax and that’s it. He orders labs and will see me in about a month.

Well, then I get a call saying that I need a 6 month treatment plan. The one that I did for intake only lasts a month, it’s enough to get me seen and that’s it. So, back to the clinic. And honestly, I hate doing treatment plans. Because they are stupid! They want a “recovery” plan. You can’t recover from Bipolar disorder. It’s a chemical imbalance. You can control the symptoms. But can you truly “recover”? And the casemanager is always some idiot girl social worker, fresh out of college, who really doesn’t give a shit about what you say. She will put something stupid on the paper just so there is something on the paper. Something about “I will better myself by reading more during the month to lessen my anxiety.”

Ben, is no stupid girl, fresh out of college. He is a casemanager with about 31 years under his belt. He helps with the treatment plans. He’s nice about how he approaches things, but he still puts words in my mouth. We redid all of my intake paperwork, and my treatment plan. One thing that he put on my treatment plan that made me mad is “I will learn that mental health is like diabetes.” Meaning that I shouldn’t feel stigmatized. I know all this! I’m not just somone new to this, I might be new to the clinic, but not to this. I have been dealing with my issues since I have been on my own. I’m not the same person I was when I started this journey.

Then he tells me that I need to learn my triggers. Seriously. I wish I hadn’t thrown away my mental health binder. I had all that stuff in there… But, I have changed so much, that the stuff in there isn’t relavent anymore.

New, new, new…. Just play the game.