Afraid

“When I wake up, I’m afraid, somebody else might take my place. When I wake up, I’m afraid, somebody else might end up being me.”

This is my favorite song from The Neighbourhood. It’s called “Afraid”. I think that it perfectly sums up the feelings of BPD.

Being me, I have a large fear of people leaving me. Whether they are going to or not, they are going to leave me. I fear that I am going to be replaced. I feel that I’m not good enough, because I’ve never been good enough.

That feeling is overwhelming. And it’s ruining my life…

“You need to ignore what your brain is telling you, you should know in your heart. And if you don’t know it in your heart, there’s the problem.” But that is the problem. How do you know what your brain is telling you vs. what you know or feel in your heart is true? I’ve felt things in my heart before and I’ve been wrong.

My brain tells me that I’m being replaced, that I’m not worthy of what good is happening around me. So, naturally, I question everything. Do you know how annoying that is? To question every action, to try and find out what motive is at play? It’s exhausting. It’s disgusting. And I hate that I do that. I hate that I can’t just accept a compliment, or a kind action, or love without wondering why. I wonder why you’re being nice to me. I wonder why you would tell me that you love me. I question if you love me, if you’re going to leave me. And it’s killing me.

I hate that I have to ask. And it annoys people. If it annoys you, can you imagine how I feel?

“Being me can only mean feeling scared to breathe. If you leave me then I’ll be afraid of everything that makes me anxious, gives me patience, calms me down, lets me face this, let me sleep. And when I wake up, let me be.”

I’m not crazy, I just have borderline personality disorder.

According to the DSM, Fourth Edition, Text Revision (DSM-IV-TR), to be diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, a person must show an enduring pattern of behavior that includes at least five of the following symptoms:

>Extreme reactions—including panic, depression, rage, or frantic actions—to abandonment, whether real or perceived
>A pattern of intense and stormy relationships with family, friends, and loved ones, often veering from extreme closeness and love (idealization) to extreme dislike or anger (devaluation)
>Distorted and unstable self-image or sense of self, which can result in sudden changes in feelings, opinions, values, or plans and goals for the future (such as school or career choices)
>Impulsive and often dangerous behaviors, such as spending sprees, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, and binge eating
>Recurring suicidal behaviors or threats or self-harming behavior, such as cutting
>Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days
>Chronic feelings of emptiness and/or boredom
>Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger
>Having stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms, such as feeling cut off from oneself, observing oneself from outside the body, or losing touch with reality.

And living with this is a lot harder than you think.

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About Preslee

I am diagnosed with Bipolar 2 Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Panic and Anxiety disorders, and PTSD. I write about my own personal experiences and thoughts.

Posted on January 20, 2016, in Life, Mental Health and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. I can only imagine!
    I don’t have BPD, but sometimes, some of those fears seem to ignite within me. It’s not a good place to be. To have to live that way? I can only imagine the frustration, heart ache, anger….
    I admire your courage to not only be determined to ‘still live’, but to share so openly the experiences!

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