I honestly think that I’m going crazy.
I’m a paradox.
But mostly, I’m me.
The problem with being me is that everything turns out wrong. It sounds cliche but, I really think that’s true. It seems like everything in my life gets broken at my own hands. The touch of my finger or a simple glance. I can’t seem to do things right. And when I do, it only lasts for a little while.
The biggest fear I have now is the fear of rejection. I think about it every day. What if this happens, what if they leave? I’m afraid to be alone in life. I’m afraid that I’m not good enough. Because I don’t ever feel like I’m good enough. I feel like I’m lost.
Here I was thinking that I finally have everything going for me. That things are finally straightening out. And all I had to do was one simple thing and it all goes to hell in a hand basket.
I try not to let people know that I’m upset. I try to wear a smile. But after years of pretending, I think I’m just tired. I can’t wear the mask anymore. I can’t fake a smile anymore. I can’t hold back my tears when I want to. I can’t do much of anything… But I can break things. I can make myself hurt.
I think the hardest thing for me to handle right now is silence. Silence means so many things. But, growing up, silence meant that I was wrong. That I needed to apologize for whatever nonsense I was blamed for. That I need to literally bend over backwards and make things better. Sometimes, there is nothing that I can do to make this better. And I don’t know what to do. I hate silence now. Silence makes me think. And I don’t like to think of things. Because I over think everything and I don’t know how to stop. It’s annoying and exhausting. But I don’t know how to stop.
I used to be a master of disguise. Hiding my fear and anger and sadness with a smile, a laugh, a joke, or a song. But now, now I can’t even try.
I ruin things. Things that I wish I didn’t. Things that I don’t know how to fix. Sometimes, that’s just because I don’t know how I broke it.
Things get better I think. It’s just learning to ride out the storm and learning to walk in the rain.