High Low

Every time I get high, the harder I crash.

I have episodes, short lived of pure euphoria. And it’s great.  But it’s short lived, very short lived. And the higher I was during that episode, the lower I sink into this hole.

I hate depression. I hate that I’m messed up like this. I like to feel high even if it were for a little while, but I’m not ok with the crash at night. It’s hard to sleep. It’s hard to think. I’m mad all the time, at everyone.

The only time I feel halfway normal is when I’m with my mom. We don’t even have to be doing anything at all, and I’m happy. I’m ok. I’m not exactly happy,but I’m not anxious, or depressed, or pissed off. I’m just ok. And then I come home, and I’m depressed. And it’s hard to sleep, to get to sleep, to stay asleep. I’m tired of living like this. And then I think that it would just be better if I weren’t anywhere at all, if I were just to pass peacefully in my sleep. It would be easier than dealing with the highs and lows of what’s been going on here.

I don’t like feeling like this, and I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know if I need new medications, or therapy, or if I’m just losing my mind.


About Preslee

I am diagnosed with Bipolar 2 Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Panic and Anxiety disorders, and PTSD. I write about my own personal experiences and thoughts.

Posted on May 7, 2014, in Mental Health and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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