Starting Over…Again…

So, once again, I find myself starting over. It’s not the first time, obviously. But I’m really tired of starting over.

I’ve moved in with some friends this time. So, I have support, constant people in the house, no room for making stupid mistakes. I can’t cut, I’ll get caught.

So, starting over for me is hard. It’s a time to where I have to decide what I’m letting go of so that I can survive, and sometimes it’s really hard. I have to give up certain freedoms, bills, and responsibilities. I’m not opposed to giving up bills, that lightens the load on me a little. But I’m constantly surrounded by people, which is what I need, but at the same time, I either feel alone or over crowded.

I don’t like starting over, and when it happens I wish that it would happen like a reset switch. You know, you hit the button and everything changes over? Yea, that’s how I want things to happen. But life takes a process, which I hate. I hate the waiting part of it really.

I’ve been impulsive today. I went shopping when I got my unemployment. Now, of course, I took some of the things back, but I bought a purse that I didn’t REALLY need and a new wallet, again, didn’t REALLY need it. But I bought them anyhow. I didn’t take them back. But I got Rockee a harness for some reason, I did take that one back. I still need to pay my phone bill, but everything else is caught up. I’ve made payments on all my loans and even got a washer and dryer coming tomorrow. Clean clothes will be good. So, I can support some of my decisions. I still haven’t paid Ashley rent yet, but I’m still trying to get on my feet too.

I’m looking for a new job. The job at PetSmart did NOT work out, so I’m back to square one with that. School isn’t working out, so I’m quitting that too. I hate that I can’t follow through with things, but once I’m bored with it, that’s pretty much the end. School just isn’t what I want to do right now I guess, and I hate that I feel like that. I feel like I’m disappointing everyone, and maybe I am. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore, but I have to do what I think is best for me too.

So, starting over, again, not fun. But maybe this reset will be a good one.


About Preslee

I am diagnosed with Bipolar 2 Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Panic and Anxiety disorders, and PTSD. I write about my own personal experiences and thoughts.

Posted on April 30, 2014, in Life and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. youngandtwenty

    As scary as change and new beginnings are, it’s such an exciting chance to make good things happen! I hope this happens for you 🙂

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