Okay here we go– every day is a struggle. I know I should live, but I feel like I want to die. To take the burden off of everyone. Everyone would be better off without me here. All I do is cause them pain and make their life harder. I have nightmares.. Things that i relive every single night because of things that happened in my past. I wake up screaming, self harming, covered in sweat and blood some nights.. I feel okay today. But what about tomorrow? Just two days ago I was sitting in my bathroom cutting because me and my girlfriend got into an argument. A stupid argument over nothing, yet I couldn’t bounce back from it. The more I thought about it, the more I dwelled on it, the more I wanted to die. That’s how it happens. The smallest things unbalance me and I’ve lost it. I feel like I’m not enough. I feel like I don’t bring any happiness to anyone. I want to be happy, and I try my damnedest to be. To be with her. To have a happy life with her because she’s amazing. But that black cloud is ALWAYS hanging over my head and it’s always drowning out the happy. I can have a good day… A great day.. And one small thing happens and my entire world is upset, turned upside down. I can’t bounce back from that… Ever. It overtakes me. She’s better off without me. I bear the scars of the strong. Most people think of us as weak but like I said. Every single day is a struggle to live. I can’t seem to have successful relationships, I can’t seem to feel I’m worth anything. I feel useless and like a downright piece of shit who will never amount to anything. But I’m still here. Still breathing. I’ve attempted several times to blow my head off. I’ve threatened to take my life. I know I should feel worth more. I have a beautiful and very supportive girl, two sons and much more. But on those days, in those moments.. Not even that seems to matter. Somehow though I pull through it. Only God knows how.
This was sent to me by anonymous. Thank you for sharing. Things have to get better when they get worse. We’re all in this together.
Posted on March 30, 2014, in Mental Health, Support and tagged anonymous, bipolar disorder, Cutting, Depression, guest blogger, self injury, Self-Harm, world bipolar day. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.