That Blah Feeling
Lately, I’ve been feeling like blah. Blah is a general category for me. I don’t feel great, but I don’t feel too terribly bad, I’m not good, but I’m not bad, so I’m blah.
I had an episode the other day that resulted in crying and throwing up, then getting pissed off because of the earlier. I was freaking out because I was focusing on something that I couldn’t change. I had upset my mom earlier that day over something stupid that I should have known better than to do. But I wasn’t thinking, so I went ahead without everyone. Had I been thinking, maybe everything else would have been ok. Anyhow, I was sitting there and thinking about everything and that led to me thinking about every mistake I’ve ever made, which made me think that my newest accomplishment might be my biggest mistake yet. I’m back in School, to be an MA (medical assistant). It’s the next step up from being a CNA (certified nurses assistant). And I was sitting there thinking that everything is going to hell. I can’t pay for my bills, because I can’t hold a job, I can’t hold a job because I’m not stable yet, so what’s the point in going to school if I can’t do anything? So I started crying. And then I wanted to go home. Sad thing was, I was at home. There was nowhere for me to go. I miss people, my life before all this crap with Justin and everything else. I want to go home. But there is no home for me to go to. Nowhere that I would be happy like I want. I want to be happy like I used to be. Loved like I used to be loved.
Anyhow, that feeling passed. Well, not the going home part, but today I feel like I’m home. Or at least more home that I had been feeling. I’m doing ok. But I’m feeling kinda blah right now. It’s hard to explain, but I think that I did pretty good in the first sentence.
Remember that I want your stories for World Bipolar Day. Let’s end the stigma together by reaching out and sharing with others.