Depressed and Confused
I’m depressed. Very depressed. For over a week now.
I’m dating again. It’s hard. And there is this good guy. He’s good and nice. And constantly backing out. I don’t know if it’s because of me or if he’s just too scared.
I’m crazy. I’m living with bipolar disorder and depression and now, borderline personality disorder. I mean, I was always living with it, it was obviously there. I don’t think that these things just pop up. But, looking at the research and information I can see how damned I am. Everything that it says is exactly me. I’m troubled. I have a “severely distorted self-image and feel worthless and fundamentally flawed. Anger, impulsiveness, and frequent mood swings (that) may push others away, even though (I) may desire to have loving and lasting relationships.” – Mayo Clinic
Also, according to Mayo clinic:
” Signs and symptoms of borderline personality disorder may include:
- Impulsive and risky behavior, suck as risky driving, unsafe sex, gambling sprees or illegal drug use
- Awareness of destructive behavior, including self-injury, but sometimes feeling unable to change it
- Wide mood swings
- Short but intense episodes of anxiety or depression
- Inappropriate anger and antagonistic behavior, sometimes escalating into physical fights
- Difficulty controlling emotions or impulses
- Suicidal behavior
- Feeling misunderstood, neglected, alone, empty or hopeless
- Fear of being alone
- Feelings of self-hate and self-loathing” -Mayo Clinic
There are different factors that can be the cause. But, hey, don’t worry! “Many people with this disorder get better with treatment and can live satisfying lives.”
Sorry, that sounds so depressive. But it is. I feel so empty and alone. And I feel sad. And I want to cut. I want to feel better. I want to feel something other than this pain and loathing and loneliness. I don’t want to feel like this. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to be sad. And oddly enough, I don’t want to feel happy because feeling happy feels overrated and priceless and too much for someone like me.
That’s how I feel. And I feel like I’m pushing everyone away. Do you know that I deleted pretty much everyone out of my phone? Changed my number. Deleted a lot of people off my Facebook account. I’m moving on. And I’m moving on alone and lonely. But I’m alive. I’m alive and sometimes I don’t feel like I’m supposed to be alive or ok or anything. I don’t feel deserving. I feel lonely and hateful. I just feel done. Over so many things. Over everything. I just want to crawl up in bed and never get up again.