Monthly Archives: February 2014

Depressed and Confused

I’m depressed. Very depressed. For over a week now.

I’m dating again. It’s hard. And there is this good guy. He’s good and nice. And constantly backing out. I don’t know if it’s because of me or if he’s just too scared.

I’m crazy. I’m living with bipolar disorder and depression and now, borderline personality disorder. I mean, I was always living with it, it was obviously there. I don’t think that these things just pop up. But, looking at the research and information I can see how damned I am. Everything that it says is exactly me. I’m troubled. I have a “severely distorted self-image and feel worthless and fundamentally flawed. Anger, impulsiveness, and frequent mood swings (that) may push others away, even though (I) may desire to have loving and lasting relationships.” – Mayo Clinic

Also, according to Mayo clinic:

” Signs and symptoms of borderline personality disorder may include:

  • Impulsive and risky behavior, suck as risky driving, unsafe sex, gambling sprees or illegal drug use
  • Awareness of destructive behavior, including self-injury, but sometimes feeling unable to change it
  • Wide mood swings
  • Short but intense episodes of anxiety or depression
  • Inappropriate anger and antagonistic behavior, sometimes escalating into physical fights
  • Difficulty controlling emotions or impulses
  • Suicidal behavior
  • Feeling misunderstood, neglected, alone, empty or hopeless
  • Fear of being alone
  • Feelings of self-hate and self-loathing” -Mayo Clinic

There are different factors that can be the cause. But, hey, don’t worry! “Many people with this disorder get better with treatment and can live satisfying lives.”

Sorry, that sounds so depressive. But it is. I feel so empty and alone. And I feel sad. And I want to cut. I want to feel better. I want to feel something other than this pain and loathing and loneliness. I don’t want to feel like this. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to be sad. And oddly enough, I don’t want to feel happy because feeling happy feels overrated and priceless and too much for someone like me.

That’s how I feel. And I feel like I’m pushing everyone away. Do you know that I deleted pretty much everyone out of my phone? Changed my number. Deleted a lot of people off my Facebook account. I’m moving on. And I’m moving on alone and lonely. But I’m alive. I’m alive and sometimes I don’t feel like I’m supposed to be alive or ok or anything. I don’t feel deserving. I feel lonely and hateful. I just feel done. Over so many things. Over everything. I just want to crawl up in bed and never get up again.


Axis 1: 296.54

296.54 Bipolar I Disorder, Most Recent Episode Depressed, Severe With Psychotic Features

Bipolar 1 Disorder…Most recent episode Depressed, severe, with Psychotic Features….

That’s a hell of a wake up, don’t you think?

New doctor, new diagnosis.

Bipolar 1 disorder, Borderline personality disorder, PTSD. That’s my diagnosis. It kinda sucks.

Most people who have BPD suffer from:

  • Problems with regulating emotions and thoughts
  • Impulsive and reckless behavior
  • Unstable relationships with other people.

People with this disorder also have high rates of co-occurring disorders, such as depression, anxiety disorders, substance abuse, and eating disorders, along with self-harm, suicidal behaviors, and completed suicides.  -NIMH


It was something that I had thought about, but never really diagnosed myself with it. I knew about the bipolar, but borderline personality? No…I didn’t have the guts to say it.

It’s a personality disorder, it can’t be treated with meds. It can’t be cured, it can’t be fixed. The good news? The symptoms can be treated… People can cope with it. People can move on and lead normal lives.

Me? I’m shocked…still in shock… I didn’t know, or maybe I did but didn’t want to know…

I feel numb, and hurt, and weighted down. I feel everything. Even angry. It means that I’m fucked up. Or at least that’s how I see it, I guess.

I know that every psychological thing can be dealt with. Therapy, meds, counseling, coping… But it still hurts.

Signs & Symptoms

According to the DSM, Fourth Edition, Text Revision (DSM-IV-TR), to be diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, a person must show an enduring pattern of behavior that includes at least five of the following symptoms:

  • Extreme reactions—including panic, depression, rage, or frantic actions—to abandonment, whether real or perceived
  • A pattern of intense and stormy relationships with family, friends, and loved ones, often veering from extreme closeness and love (idealization) to extreme dislike or anger (devaluation)
  • Distorted and unstable self-image or sense of self, which can result in sudden changes in feelings, opinions, values, or plans and goals for the future (such as school or career choices)
  • Impulsive and often dangerous behaviors, such as spending sprees, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, and binge eating
  • Recurring suicidal behaviors or threats or self-harming behavior, such as cutting
  • Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days
  • Chronic feelings of emptiness and/or boredom
  • Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger
  • Having stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms, such as feeling cut off from oneself, observing oneself from outside the body, or losing touch with reality.

Seemingly mundane events may trigger symptoms. For example, people with BPD may feel angry and distressed over minor separations—such as vacations, business trips, or sudden changes of plans—from people to whom they feel close. Studies show that people with this disorder may see anger in an emotionally neutral face and have a stronger reaction to words with negative meanings than people who do not have the disorder.

Suicide and Self-harm

Self-injurious behavior includes suicide and suicide attempts, as well as self-harming behaviors, described below. As many as 80 percent of people with BPD have suicidal behaviors, and about 4 to 9 percent commit suicide.

Suicide is one of the most tragic outcomes of any mental illness. Some treatments can help reduce suicidal behaviors in people with BPD. For example, one study showed that dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) reduced suicide attempts in women by half compared with other types of psychotherapy, or talk therapy. DBT also reduced use of emergency room and inpatient services and retained more participants in therapy, compared to other approaches to treatment.

Unlike suicide attempts, self-harming behaviors do not stem from a desire to die. However, some self-harming behaviors may be life threatening. Self-harming behaviors linked with BPD include cutting, burning, hitting, head banging, hair pulling, and other harmful acts. People with BPD may self-harm to help regulate their emotions, to punish themselves, or to express their pain. They do not always see these behaviors as harmful.


I need to do more research… I just wanted to give you an update…