Monthly Archives: December 2013
3 years ago, today, I was preparing for a major change in my life. I was taking a chance and making a leap. I was ready to marry my best friend. I knew that no matter what, we would make it, we would be ok. As I got ready, I wondered what he looked like, if he was as nervous as I was. I walked down the aisle, my mom by my side, friends waiting for me at the end, my aunt waiting to perform the big day. My eyes focused on him, tears building. I was ecstatic. I couldn’t wait. As the years flew by, things changed. While my heart was flooded by the thoughts and love of him, his heart had other plans. And now, I wake up to our anniversary alone. His family taking over his life and his heart. He has a new love, while I sit alone picking up the pieces, holding them together with tape and glue. I’m moving on. And I am happy, and I pray that he is too. I miss waking up to him. But I don’t miss the mistrust, the fights, the worry, the harsh words, and a family against us. I asked you before all of this, do you want out, and you said no. And when I asked why did you want to get married in the first place, “I wanted to snatch you up before anyone else did.” Selfish. So I wake up to our anniversary alone, and feel a piece of my heart longing for you, only to know that you don’t feel the same. Merry Christmas, baby. Happy anniversary. May you find love in the arms of someone who cares now…
We draw closer to the holidays, and for once, I’m excited about them. I see hope in them.
But in the darkness of the night, I can’t help but think of the past and wish that things had worked out differently…
Knowing that we can’t go and change the past, my only hope is now of the future.
There is no hope that we will ever get back together. There is no hope that the past fire will rekindle from the ashes. There is no hope of the past. There is only the future.
In the rare event that we talk, it’s your smart mouth that reminds me why we will never work. We can’t help but argue. We will never have our friendship back, it wouldn’t be the same.
Our trust, broken and tattered, will never be whole. Once broken, even forced back together, will never be the same.
Our past, which I can look at with such love and loathing….Love, because I adore what we were. Loathing because I wish that we could have it back.
But you’re gone, and I have to move on, you gave me no choice.
When I say I love you, all the comfort you afford me is a simple, “I know you do.” That’s painful to hear, but stop lying to yourself, you know that you don’t love me. Not like I love, loved, you.
So, keep yourself true to your course, you’ll end up back at home with your mom and family, with no job. Knowing that I did you good. Losing me, tossing me away like you did, sounds like you’ve messed up. I don’t envy you.
Good luck in your endeavors.
It wasn’t long ago that I dreamt of a home full of love and laughter. A smile on my face and in my heart. A home filled with the joy and sound of little fweting running around.
You took those dreams, yours not to take, and smashed them up… You squashed them and ripped them to shreds all by a fee simple words.
My life could have ended that day. It could have been over. But I dreamt that things would look up again.
But here I see you, arms wrapped around someone new. And all I wonder is what did I do?
What did I do to you to make you see me in a different light. To make you say that things weren’t right. I don’t understand what happened or why. But all I know is that this is good bye.
I’ll always love you for you were my first. And I can’t believe the dreams you took. Away from my heart and away from my flesh. I will always long for that last kiss.
Good bye to a man that wasn’t a man. And hello to a new tomorrow.