On and Off Switch

I don’t understnad people who can just switch emotions on and off. I’m not talking about us bipolar people, who switch from depressed to happy or mad. I mean those around us, who we think are there to keep us safe.

I think that it is cruel of those people to take advantage of situations or people who have illnesses. Those who would rather live a lie than face the truth and be adult about things.

I guess, for example, my relationship with my ex-hubby. I don’t understand how he can just simply fall out of love with me, and not even care where that leaves me.

I guess I saw it coming. I know that I asked my aunt like what would happen to me if I wasn’t married. What would I become? I’ve spent 5 years with this individual, granted, it’s not been a long relationship, but it’s the longest I’ve ever had. 5 years, is a long time. I don’t even know who I am by myself.

In relationships, you become more and more like the person you’re with. And if someone tells you that’s not true, they don’t understand or they are too blind to see it. I believe that there are subtle changes that happen over time. It includes the type of music you listen to, the way you wear your hair, the shows you watch, how you speak or form sentences.

I know that when I was with Him, I started listening to the Beatles. A band that I found highly annoying and repulsive, but I started to listen, and found that there were more songs by them that wasn’t annoying. I became more and more like Him.

With hubby, I’ve seen that I listen to a broader spectrum of artists, watch different TV shows – shows that I would never have watched before. I changed, because I became like him. I spent all my time with him, wondering about him, thinking about him. And now, he’s just gone.

I’ve lost my identity. I thought that my identity had been lost to my depression, my anxiety, my PTSD, my bipolar… I never thought that I would be lost in him. And, maybe, I saw some warnings. Like losing my friends, I saw them disappearing, and I was pushing them away. And maybe I knew.

I’m not who I was before. I’m lost because I don’t know who I really am. I don’t have me anymore. And I don’t know where to find me.

Think about it:

I quit school for him. I was in Tarleton, working on my Psychology degree. Granted, I was getting bored… But, maybe that’s because I had wrapped myself in him. I got lost. Anyhow, when we got married, we needed income, and he wasn’t working, so I found a job. It wasn’t enough. We moved, a couple of times before settling in Hico.

I gave up my dreams. I gave up my goals. For him.

All I have now, music, and, thankfully, my family and close friends. But I am utterly alone. I feel alone. I feel lost.

I look at him now, on Facebook…I thought that if I deleted him it wouldn’t tempt me, but I’m attracted to him like a moth to the flame. I look, and I realize that he isn’t hurting. He’s toying with me. And I feel like he’s winning.

It’s painful. I don’t understand what possesses someone to switch on and off like that.

Maybe it’s just me.

But I think that it’s cruel.

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About Preslee

I am diagnosed with Bipolar 2 Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Panic and Anxiety disorders, and PTSD. I write about my own personal experiences and thoughts.

Posted on October 9, 2013, in Life, Mental Health and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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