The Low Swing

It seems that I’m on a low swing, at least for the time being. I have been reading like there is no tomorrow. It gives me an escape from my situation.

Its been a month or so since we’ve separated. And I’ve only heard from him like twice. And that should be OK with me, because I know that talking to him makes me miss him. More than I already miss him. We talked the other day, a long conversation about how are lives are going. He got rid of Maggie and the puppies, so now he has Remy and his family. He has a new house. A truck. He’s moving on. Its only a matter of time before he has the balls to tell me who he met while I was gone. But he still hasn’t said it.

Anyhow, my low swing, I had mistaken the beginning of it as my hypomania…I thought that it was mixed. But the more that I’m looking at it, the worse its getting. I want to cut just so I can feel something. But I haven’t. I feel that people would be extremely pissed if I did. Not that I should really let that matter, I mean I love my family. But when are they not pissed about something I’ve done or not done? That’s not fair to say that. My family has been extremely supportive of me in my separation and my bipolarism.  I just can’t see them hurt because of me.

Lately, I feel numb. I feel empty. There is nothing. I put on the mask everyday at work that tells people that I’m fine. But I’m not. I don’t feel fine. I feel empty.
So I read, to escape the feeling of emptiness I emerse myself in the characters’ lives and deal with their hardships. I feel something. And then I think of them as real people, I realized that yesterday actually. I have never done that… Or at least I don’t think I have. But I’ve been noticing that I miss them when I’m not reading. I wonder what they are doing, and then I realize that they are fiction. Made up people based on an authors imagination.

I’ve noticed that I can’t grasp things very well anymore. When I’m at the register, I end up almost throwing everything, dropping things on the scanner or in bags. Its been weird and I don’t like it at all.

Then I’m realizing that my whole life revolved around him. My hubby, that I had been so proud to call mine, is all that I’ve known for 5 years. I don’t have any friends near me, I have Amber, but she’s busy and so am I. I only have my family. I don’t even remember how to date people. Not that anyone has asked me out…

Then, I see all these people with their babies or their husbands and all I can think is how dare you come through my line while you’re kissing on each other. Or I think that I used to have that and I don’t now. Its a painful longing for company. Company that I don’t have.

I’m low. So low that I just want to feel. All I’m doing is sleeping or reading or working. And I’m tired. I hate depression! It takes all your joy and your energy and all your time. Its exhausting to deal with.

I wish more people understood. I wish that it was more open than it is. And its not. And it probably will take a long time before it is as open as we all hope.

People look at me and ask if I’m OK. All I can say is yes. I’m not OK. And they know it. They know that when I get quiet that something is going on. But they don’t push, and I’m thankful for it.

Take this razor, sign your name across my wrist, so everyone will know who left me life this… Bayside

I’ve been listening to Bayside a lot lately. They have a lot of songs that relate to how I’m feeling or lack in feeling.

I miss you, but I know things won’t change, so I’m not coming back. Just so you know. I love you. And I will always love you. I miss you terribly. But you started this, and I’m not playing games with you. This is goodbye. I hope that, one day, we will be friends again.

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About Preslee

I am diagnosed with Bipolar 2 Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Panic and Anxiety disorders, and PTSD. I write about my own personal experiences and thoughts.

Posted on September 23, 2013, in Life, Mental Health and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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